Hell

Today is our 5 year Anniversary. For many, 5 years is nothing. 5 years is just the start- the romance is faded, maybe young kids, maybe settling into a groove, maybe setting up for the 7 year itch, maybe coming into a deeper relationship. But not much. For those married 10, 15, 20 or longer- 5 years is a blink.
For us it's a big freaking deal.
I rarely post about my marriage, mostly because my husband asked me not to, but I need to get this out today.

I titled this post "Hell". You're are probably thinking Im nuts, or gone off topic as I tend to do, but hell is directly related to our anniversary.

We've been through hell. I don't mean we have fought and had issues deciding who would be in charge of cleaning this, or paying that, or if the kids can have screen time or dealing with job stress or money stress or home stress. We've done all that too. I mean absolute hell. When the bottom falls out and the only thing holding you to life is the little person who is completely reliant on you.

My husband was drunk for the first 2 years of our marriage. And longer in his life of course... I can't even explain the events of those years. I have to some people- the not knowing what was going to set him off, the not knowing where he was or how much he'd spend or when he would be home. The fear of going to a movie with friends and not knowing what to expect when I got home. The fights and tears and lies and manipulation. The feeling of being completely crazy and out of control and scared ALL THE TIME. That was my life. With a baby. And then with 2 babies.
I have been called lots of things and judged by a lot of people for not leaving. Mostly when I got pregnant the second time. I have had many judgements passed; friendships lost. I am codependent- that is without question. I write this out partly because maybe someone will read it and realize that being with an addict isn't black and white. It's not just leave and split up- it's so many shades. I see friends divorcing all over and while their journey is not mine and their reasons are their own- I have come through the other side.
We went to counselling. While he drank and then when he was sober. I thought if he got sober that it would be magical. I didn't realize the dark year that would follow. I was grateful and proud of him- but I was also filled with resentment. It was poison. And I didn't realize that he was full of resentment for ME... which made me hate him. WTF did I do? I held it together so you could fall apart so fuck YOU.
In his first year of sobriety, I took a trip  to Vegas and left the kids with him. We were not in a good place but I just needed a break. I needed some peace after the war of the last few years. I completely panicked on the plane. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop crying. Yeah he was sober now, but maybe this was the weekend he would drink again. With my kids. What had I done... I opened up my laptop and just randomly started typing. Yes as I bawled- I am sure the person across the aisle from me thought I was batshit crazy. And I was....
I still can't bring myself to read what I typed. I saved it just in case but everytime I think about opening the file I feel a lump in my throat and my breathing start to constrict. It scares me.

I have loved him. And hated him. And everything else in between. I think the scariest part of our marriage was when I just didn't give a shit anymore. That is a place hard to get back from, but we did.
That is my point. We did. Our relationship is still hard. I would never say we have an easy marriage. We aren't easy people. He works his program but still has the underlying issues. I try to work on myself, but as a codependent I have my own. We are finally starting to work together. After 5 years and 2 kids. It can be done.
There were many times I thought it would be easier to start over. I was probably right, but when have I EVER done what is easier.

That evil whore- The Scale

I run a Nutrition Challenge as part of my job. Don't worry- I am qualified. I've spent years reading, researching and taking courses. I am almost done another cert course... if my kids ever leave me along long enough to study and take the test. I think it's funny I thought a month ago that I could do a diploma through online correspondence. HA!
I digress.

As part of the challenge we do a weigh in. No mandatory, but client feedback says they like the accountability. It's one of the most hated parts of my job. Hauling out the scale, recording the number, watching dreams die and self esteem evaporate. Seeing the faces fall when that number doesn't go down, hearing the excuses when it actually goes UP.... the hope goes away and the faces crumble.

It kills me. And not just because I have my own issues with that bastard number (less issues than before which is good because I never ever thought I'd weigh 150lbs and be mostly ok with it) but because I sometimes run out of things to say. It's like when an aquaintince has someone die. If it's a bestie you cry along then start pouring the wine. If it's someone you barely know, it's awkward. Should I hug you? Should I say it's ok when it clearly isn't? I hate platitudes. I also hate being mean when people are upset.
When they are ok, I have no issues being extrememly forthright. Oh you can't lose weight and you're convinced that you have metabolic damage because you saw an article on facebook last week? No. Get out of your kids fries at McDonalds. Stop skipping workouts. Be HONEST with yourself GODDAMMIT.

But when I see that sad puppy look and realize how much emotional attachment this person has to that fucking number... is it the time to say these things? I just can't do it. Maybe that makes me bad at my job. Maybe that is THE time for it to sink in. Sigh.

I struggle with so many parts of my job right now. This is just the one that is in my head right now. I have gorgeous, fit moms looking to "drop that last 10 lbs". I just can't do that to them. I can't take them down that road.... because I know where it goes. Why do they need to be less? WHY do we not see ourselves as we are??? We are innundated with pictures of fit moms. Moms with full abs. Fitness women are all over my social media accounts (my fault for following and having those interests I guess) so I see lean women all over. It skews my perception of what I should and want to look like. What is feasible for me to look like, without being that crazy bitch I once was. I don't want this for them.