Mandatory NYE blog post....

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't do a post about New Years and resolutions and changes? I am already a lazy one that never blogs with any regularity so I really should do what I can.

I posted the link to a fabulous blog on my fb page about changing resultions- reframing the usual weightloss blahblah ones to a healthier mindset. That blogger really stated all I was thinking in a more cohesive manner than I can type, but I thought I'd expand/ be redundant on my own post.

Everyone is so anti-resolutions these days. "I don't believe in resolutions" "they  never work anyways" etc. I LOVE resolutions. I love excitement and life changes and reflections. I love anything that makes people look at their lives honestly and think about how they can move forward. I make a point of doing this several times a year- September is really my "new year".
I do NOT love anything that encourages people to feel inadequate, self conscious, not good enough. Really though, like all of life, it depends on how you look at it and how you frame it.

I can say I want to lose weight. Honestly of course I would love to lose 10lbs. I would love to be a small 4, rather than a slightly big 4 edging into the 6 a couple weeks out of the month. I am aware of what I would need to do to get there, and am right now unwilling to do it. If I say "I need to lose weight" I am subtly saying to myself that I am too big... I am too fat, I am not enough. Reframe that shit. I really want to be stronger. I want to lift more and run further and be better. Not better than anyone else- better than 2013 me. And I do that by working my ass off. In all things.
I want to fuel my body with quality foods- to feel better and perform better. The greatest thing about all that is that leanness comes with lifting more and fuelling the body properly. I'll slip and that's ok. All I can do is the best I can.
Maybe some will quit smoking, quit drinking pop, quit swearing (SO not one of mine obviously), quit eating fast food, quit raging, quit a job they hate, quit taking life for granted, start the gym/yoga/ cardio/ eating better/ drinking more water/ taking care of themselves..... Maybe they won't. I think anything that makes people start thinking about making positive changes is a beautiful thing.

Lets be realistic though friends. I tell clients to set smaller goals. You want to start eating better, don't buy only quinoa and grassfed beef and protein powder. Guaranteed it will crash- rare are those who can do 180 degree turn. Be gentle with yourself. Make small changes- drink more water and get rid of calorie laden beverages. Substitute whole grain/ real food for packaged stuff more often. Eat more veggies. Just consciously eating more fruits and veg will make an enormous difference. Register for a class- one class, not 6. Schedule the rest of your life around it. Don't let fear stop you. Everyone at the gym who is really there to work out won't give one shit what you are doing. And if they do, they're douchebags anyways and who gives a shit what they think.
That is the best resolution IMO- stop caring what other people think. LIVE.

My resolutions are really just reminding myself of the goals I have throughout the year. Looking back on my actions and behavior and how I can be authentic to myself. How I can live with intention, rather than impulsively and emotionally. How I can learn about and pursue my passions, while sharing them with others. How I can be present in the moment (this I SUCK at. I am addicted to the vampire that is my cell phone).... Large goals and ones I will likely be working at for the majority of my life. I will slip, I will have moments of sucking, but all I can do is take reminders like New Years and refocus.
And reread the 4 Agreements. I resolve to do that ;)
Happy New Years Eve friends. Take care out there.

Cookies....

4 dozen cookies and 2 dozen mini cheesecakes done for today. My back hurts.
I have to rebake some stuff bc my husband has been indulging. I don't REALLY mind sinc eI love the baking part, but I am WAY over my food budget this month and it's starting to stress me out. Plus my pain level has been awful lately, and all the standing in the kitchen is killing me.  Awful. I am trying to manage it but it's clearly not working.

I was thinking about Christmas cards today. Old school dying tradition. I LOVE cards. I get giddy everytime I pull an envelope out of the mail box. I get annoyed that people don't send them and I insist on sending out 40+. I get family pics every year mostly to make up a pic collage card. Maybe my friends don't all want pics of my family and they can get fuck themselves- but I want pics of ALL my friends. I want a damn family pic. I want to put them up and smile as I pass the pics of the people I care about. The sad thing is, I know a bunch of people who refuse... not because they hate cards or don't want family pics but simply because they hate how they look.
This makes me sad.
Really sad.

I expect to look back on all these pics when I am old and think "WTF was I thinking having my hair like that?" "Or you were such a hussy back then" or to my husband "Man remember when you had hair?!!??" but I certainly I hope I don't look back thinking what a fat ass I was... even though at the time I may not have been totally happy with where I was physically.
I've been thinking a lot about judgements and negative self talk lately. I have been going over and over in my mind how destructive and horrible it is.... and how myself can get out of it, never mind encourage clients to do so. I have also been thinking a lot about intentions. Being intentional. Living with intention. Bringing MORE to my training and being conscious about it. Ignoring my immediate visceral reactions to emotional events (and they can be extremely strong), stepping back and making an intentional response. Perhaps I have to (and encourage others) to be intentional in self talk as well. Yeah it feels ridiculous. It SOUNDS ridiculous for me to say it out loud to people. but how else can we change it? How can we change that horrible awful voice in our head? That voice that if it came from anyone else, you would either punch them in the throat or never speak to them again? (if that isn't your reaction then you have bigger issues than negative self talk tight now)....
Lets be intentional people. It's the time of love and brotherhood and peace. Let's carry that over to ourselves. Love and peace friends. Merry Christmas.

Shortest blog ever

I refuse to let the opinions and gossip of people I do not respect affect the way I behave or feel about myself. Repeat.

Sappy season?

I must begin with a disclaimer. This post will not be particularly well written, nor will it come with am amazing insight. I am simply struggling with an issue in my brain that I cannot figure out and needed to get it out to hopefully gain some clarity.
I thought sitting quietly reading would help yet I can't shut off my brain. My husband took the kids out on some errands to give me a moment of quiet so I figured I misght as well take advantage and ramble online.

I ALWAYS get sappy and emo at Christmas time. I always want to mend fences and make wrongs right and love everyone (not in a slutty way though). I am totally aware of this. I have been known to talk to exes on Christmas and send best wishes. This whole seasonal emotionality combined with my attempts to be more responsible for my actions, forgive, move on, etc all the stuff I am working on this year is making me a total disaster.
Plus I think my uterus is about to explode, so I am seriously having issues holding it all together.

I have had two opportunities in the last few weeks to spend time socially with two people who used to be extremely important to me. Both friendships ended badly years ago and I admit that I still carry hurt and scars from it. I really thought I would never see these people again... or that they would never speak to me if we did. I get my feelings hurt fairly easily and feel very rejected and tossed aside and just generally hurt. I feel like I did when I got dumped in high school- that raw wound feeling.
My first response says Fuck them. Walk away. Why put yourself out there again? WTF is wrong with you???
My second response is to be kind. We are people doing the best we can, and holding a grudge will just exhaust me anyways.
My last response (and that of my 12 stepping husband who has more insights these days than I would sometimes like) is to apologize. For my part, whatever that may be.
The hubs said to me today that taking responsibility for your own actions doesn't make you weak or vulnerable. It makes you able to live with the fact that you have done all you can to help the situation. Without expecting an apology back... simply taking your own actions.

Yeah. The Beard said that. I tear up as I type it out.... why? Other than the fact that he is right and that still sometimes pisses me off. So I sit here eating cookies I don't want, looking for an answer and feeling incapable of logical thought.

THEN in the midst of all this and all the holiday busy/ lovlieness, I get BLASTED on FB for posting a video that I thought was hilarious. Harmless and hilarious. I'd post it here but I'm fucking scared of what sort of backlash would result. I refuse to engage in the fb drama anymore so all I will say here is that NOTHING I post is malicious or intended to affect anyone's livelihood. Like my Elf on a Shelf rant- I am not attacking anyone who has one but I think they're creepy. So what?!?!? Who cares what I think??? . I rarely think of specific people when I post something and I would not post a passive shot through a video. Maybe 2 years ago I would have, but I am not that passive girl anymore. I cannot believe how ready to fight and battle people in general are. We assume everyone is out to get us- driving, at the store, in a line, on fb. Every shoulder check is a glare and every fb status is a personal shot. Are we really so self involved that we think that everything is about us? It blows my mind. What if we approached life and people as having the best intentions? What if we DID have the best intentions? That's fucking Christmas spirit right there people. Having the best goddam intentions all the time. I NEED to be comfortable with that. My intentions were good, so each personal perception is NOT my issue- it's theirs.
I am thankful for some wise friends in my life this weekend who reminded me of that, including the Beard. He's pretty insightful for a redneck ass.

Gratitude

I am not a person to whom gratitude comes easily. I am a bit of a spoiled brat. I have high expectations of people and events and have been consistently disappointed when things don't happen as I hope they would. It is my own issue, I recognize and one I am working on.
However... this past year I have been growing in my gratitude. I felt this was a good topic to explore today with the whole holiday season deal going on. Also notice I use the word greatful not blessed.

I am randomly hit with these huge feelings of gratefulness. They are pretty random- today was driving away from the grocery store to pick up my kids. All at once I felt so grateful for my warm vehicle (mostly seat warmer really- if you haven't had a toasty ass seat warmer you are truly missing out), for my bootcampers in class today, for the groceries I just bought without freaking out if I had enough money to pay for them.... for the day with my children that stretched out in front of me. I honestly wanted to cry at how much I love my life and feel so grateful to have it. If you know me IRL, you are probably wondering wtf... is this Cara? Are you bleeding from the uterus?
Yeah I don't mention it to many people because I am not one of those Hallmark card people. I do hope I am somewhat inspiring or encouraging as I would suck balls at my job if I wasn't, but I am certainly not a soft squishy hug the world kind of person.
Anyways, my gratitude. I remember years ago trying to do a gratitude journal. Oprah said we should, so I did. Sometimes it's nice to not have to think for yourself. I remember STRUGGLING with it. My life was so far from what I wanted how the shit was I supposed to ooze all this positivity?
 My husband and I had a discussion about it last week. I thought it would fade after the tough months earlier this year. I thought these fuzzy wonderful feelings would leave and I would start to take all my shit for granted again- and don't get me wrong there are spoiled asshole days. There are days where I stomp my feet and want to run away from my children and wonder how easy life would be to start over with someone else..... Everyone has those days, and if they say they don't they are clearly selling something.
We talked about intentional gratitude. Fake it till you make it. My husband is one of those people for sure- he is very intentional about it. He has to be. It doesn't make it any less meaningful- it actually makes it worth more when it comes. To use a fitness analogy (because I always freaking do lol), I respect the client who has to work their balls off to lose a few lbs, to lift a bit more, to run a bit further MORE than the client who is a natural athlete. I respect people who do things they initially suck at.

So today I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude in the car. Then came home, made cookies that went flat and my big little woke up my little little because he can't shhhhhh for an hour and GD WalMart photo centre wouldn't upload my GD family pics for Christmas cards and I wanted to pull my hairs out. Then I looked at both my littles coloring (on the GD kitchen table not the coloring books but whatever) and it all came back. Life is pretty effing great.

*Footnote- don't tell my husband I ordered photos from WalMart. I don't want to hear the rant about evil corporations today- I just want to hold onto my good vibes a little longer ;)

Elf on the Shelf... be prepared to be pissed off.

Yeah I suck at blogging. I know. I am working less now, but don't seem to have a ton more time. I do put a lot on myself for the holidays and have been busy busting my ass baking and decorating and trying to keep up with regular life. I think I am failing at that.
I've written half blog posts in my head a few times this month but haven't had time to actually type them out, but I wanted to get this one out because I am annoyed. And I feel bed because there are a couple people who read the blog and have been asking lol. A couple anyways ;)

This blog may offend you or make you defensive if you have children. Let me start off with this blog is about MY family and our choices for OUR children. I could give a crap what you do with your kids or for them. Honestly, I don't care unless it affects my kids. So before you read this and get upset- realize this is my opinion on my blog. If you don't like it, cool.

I HATE the Elf on the Shelf. Not only do I think he is fucking creepy and would scurry around my house while I slept, peering at me in my bed trying to decide how to murder me- I think the idea is awful. The Elf is watching you and reporting back to Santa so YOU BETTER BE A GOOD BOY/ GIRL!!! My husband and I discussed early on how we would not use Santa as a behavior control. I refuse to say "be good or Santa won't come!!" because I refuse to use empty threats. I think that unless you are actually willing to follow through- don't say it. Let's face it, my 4 year old would have to stab someone for Santa not to come. Even then, I would be more concerned with slamming him in some psyc facility where he would get the help he needed and santa would probably still come.
I think the Elf is one more mode of behavior control (now I sound like Rob lol) employed by parents who think "it's fun!" without thinking of the actual reasons behind it. I am not slamming anyone else's parenting, just urging others to THINK about why you do what you do. WHY is the elf watching? WHY should a child behave? I don't want my kids to behave because someone is "watching" and if they don't they won't get presents. What kind of adults does this create? Ones that think it's ok to act like hoodlums if no one is watching?
I hope that I am able to instill a sense of responsibility in my children. I can hear some of my friends saying I am going too far with this elf thing and I can understand that position. It really has to start somewhere. All too often, I feel we do exactly what our parents did. Not to say they didn't do the best they could. My parents did kickass obviously.... but I don't remember my mom saying if I wasn't good Santa wouldn't come. Maybe she did and I just have a shitty memory I don't know.
My point to all this is that we need to live with intention. Make choices for our families with intention- think about WHY we do things and how they will impact us and the people around us. Don't blindly buy an Elf because Pinterest has cute pictures of him making snow angels in flour and it's a fun game. Don't blindly do a workout program because so and so says so- find out WHY it's good and why it may not be for YOU. Don't blindly shove 8 cookies in your mouth because it's the holidays. Make choices- conscious well thought out choices. Take a moment to think about what you want and where each choice will take you.
Intention people. If you need to create some space in your mind to be able to make these choices, come join me for yoga :)

Modelling

... positive behaviours I mean. Not the heroin-hollow cheeked fashion kind.

I started regularly training a stroller class. It has its drawbacks- screaming kids running all over make for interesting program planning and a lot of yelling on my part. The moms often lose focus and wander off throughout the workout because a kid barfed or has to pee or is screaming for whatever reason. If I keep the majority of their attention up to the stretching part, I consider it a success. I figure many of them are just trying to stay alive somedays, so stretching may not be high on their list of things to do.

The part I LOVE about stroller class is that the kids are there. Not that they are kicking over my hurdles or running in the way or leaving their damn crackers on the floor, but that they are watching their moms. Consciously or not, they see their moms making an effort. They see them work and sweat and get red faced and struggle.... and keep going. I remember my mom weighing food. And dieting. And hating how she looked. I NEVER remember my mom working out. She tries now, but her health has declined so much that it makes it difficult to function some days never mind start working out. Trust me, I have harassed her. If and when she is ready she will. If not, she won't.
I didn't work out until I was in University. I certainly never ran on purpose. The guy I was dating was a gym rat and insisted on showing me how to workout. I really liked him (entirely too much in retrospect but it all turned out in the end and I still thank him for showing me the way) so I did it. I learned how to lift etc and now it's all history.
I wish I had the background in fitness before that. I wish that I was exposed to physical activity as something to do beyond phys ed in school. All I can do now is show my kids. My son asked me a couple days ago why I don't do mud runs anymore. I laughed and said because it's cold and now Mommy runs inside... next summer I'll do some more. He thinks its hilarious that I get dirty on purpose- I guess he does have a point.

I made this last night- other than spilling in too many red pepper flakes, it was lovely. Greek yogurt instead of sour cream, less cheese= goodness.
Spaghetti Squash Au Gratin
Tastes like Hash Brown Casserole without all the calories and carbs

1 medium spaghetti squash...
2 tablespoons butter
1 small yellow onion, cut in half and very thinly sliced
¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes, or more if you like it spicy
1 teaspoon fresh thyme
½ cup sour cream
½ cup shredded cheddar cheese

Cut the spaghetti squash in half and remove the seeds. Place in a covered dish with a ¼ inch of water and microwave for 10 -12 minutes. In a medium sized skillet over medium heat, add the butter, onions, red pepper and thyme and cook until the onions are slightly brown in color. Salt and pepper to taste.
Using a fork, scrape the insides of the squash and transfer to a small bowl. Combine the squash, onions, sour cream and half the cheese together and mix well. Transfer the mixture to a buttered baking dish and top with remaining cheese.
Place into a 375º for 15 – 20 minutes until golden brown on top

Having more by having less

-this is kind of redundant from my post todya, but I wrote it last week and forgot to post lol. Enjoy my redundancy.


We are moving. Well, maybe. If we can ever find a house that isn't a shithole or horribly overpriced or 900 square feet. I do want to downsize, but I also don't want to hear every time someone farts anywhere in my house.
It seems that our move is tough to understand for some people. No, there isn't anything wrong with our house- other than its covered in oak. It is a nice house. It's also a huGe house in a fancy neighborhood.... And we want more. By more I don't mean bigger or fancier or shinier. By more I mean more family time. More closeness. More memories. LESS mortgage, less cleaning, less bills. I am quitting my full time child care gig.... Because it makes my whole family crazy. I gave up teaching to raise my own kids but half the time I'm too stressed and busy to pay them half the attention I'd like.
Anyways, the point of our move is to simplify. Ive been asked numerous times how we will get back into a huge fancy house- who says we want to? I am so freaking tired of chasing the "dream". Having to have better, shinier, newer bullshit. It's all bullshit. I'm working my balls off for what? To get more debt? It's so ridiculous and no one steps back to see it.
After all we've been through this year, all that I want is family time. Simple. A long counter that I can bake on and can pickles and other bullshit my kids will hate growing up but look back on when they're grown ups. A backyard big enough for their swings and a garden. A basement for my husband to watch sports in because let's be honest- we aren't going to live like Hutterites or those creepy couples who spend 100% of their time together.

Transitions

I always feel September is my new year. January is overrated. Maybe I was in school for too long, between my own education and then teaching, but September is truly my favorite time of year. The leaves may be falling, and the flowers in my pots are looking sad (that may also be because I am tired of taking care of them and am completely neglectful by this point) but for me it's a time for growth and transitions.
I haven't started a new workout program or diet or anything like that. This year my big baby went to preschool, which was enough change for me this month. This year has been all about change for me- both literal and figurative. So many changes both in myself and my husband, it's a wonder how we even had conversations before. Oh right.... we rarely did.
 It seems the transitions will continue as we look for a house to downsize to.
One of the changes for me has been NOT freaking out about finding this new house. Nor do I care to explain to the non-believers (and they are many). There is nothing 'wrong' with our house. It is lovely. It is huge. That is one of the biggest issues- how do we teach our children about the evils of materialism when we live in an enormous house beside fancy people? Plus our family needs a new start, in a more modest, affordable home. Many just don't understand, and I just no longer care.
I'm almost 35 fucking years old. Why do I need to justify my choices to anyone? Oh right- I don't.
I don't know if it's my personality or my gender, but I instinctively feel a need to justify and explain to others. I hate that. I HATE that it matters if people think we are making a smart choice or if they secretly talk about how crazy I am behind my back. One of my favorite pins says that they will judge you anyways so you might as well do what you want.

I am a little freaked out myself about all this transition. I am so often reassuring my husband that I don't get to focus on my own worries. Are we making a mistake? Is giving up my full time job the right decision? Are we digging a hole? Ugh. At some point though, we will just have to jump in. Do or do not, there is no try.
It's just money anyways.

3 in one week WTF!!

It is rare I get one blog up consistently per week never mind 3. Goddamn I have a lot to say lately!!

This morning I got a text from someone I greatly admire, professionally and personally. This lady has it all- she is kind, beautiful, works her ass off and is generally interested in learning all she can to better herself (which to me is one of the greatest qualities one can posses). I am fortunate to call her a friend- I hope lol. She has opened up to me more in the last few months and shocker- she's not perfect. But insightful and amazing and I love her even more for her little nuances/ flaws.

Jesus Christ it sounds like I want to switch teams for her. Maybe... jk. Really it's not a lady crush- she's too clean cut for that and I only get lady crushes on dirtier girls. Angelina not Jennifer.

I digress. As usual.
So this text this morning was about how much ass she kicked at the race this past weekend. I sucked big hairy donkey balls, but that is a whole nother blog post. She rocked it. I wasn't surprised, but she was. THAT surprised me.
She said that she often puts others up on a pedestal and doesn't realize what she herself is capable of. I have seen this chick workout. You could tell me she climbed up a building like Spiderman and I probably wouldn't question it. It just brought me back to my last rambly post about compliments and how we just don't take them. We just don't see how fucking awesome we are.

Then I thought if SHE doesn't get how amazing she is- and I think the world of her- WTF chance do I have of changing my own thinking? BLARG and the cycle starts again.....

Lol. My point is that you are amazing. That is all.

At a loss....

Sometimes, believe it or not, I don't know what to say.

One of my many personal growth goals this year has been to slow down the babble that spews forth from my mouth. I have a big mouth. I am loud and sometimes a complete asshole. I am less sarcastic than I was when I was young, but my automatic reactions are sarcasm and general dickhead remarks. My husband shares this trait.
Because of this, I am sometimes at a loss of what to say. I bite back the immediate response and then wtf? I worry that I have become kind of a shitty friend because of it....

I ended last post with a sentence about the place where change happens. I am not a fucking expert in anything- not even my own life- but I DO know something about change. I can't divulge too many details, as we have agreed on a "tighter locker room" to make our marriage work and I have a big fucking mouth, but I can use my marriage as an example. It sucked. sucked big donkey balls. For a variety of reasons, a lot of stress and a lot of bad bad communication and pouty bitch behaviour. It was no ones fault that it almost ended. I say almost but really, it ended. Far before he left.
We have both changed so fucking much it's almost unbelieveable. And it was work. A shitload of work. Some days I woke up thinking "Fuck this. This is too hard. It's so much easier to start over". Maybe it would've been. Maybe I would've taken my shit to the new relationship and fucked that up too. Who knows. Us working on our relationship wasn't a popular decision with the people in our lives- but fuck it. What is that saying that no matter what you do someone will judge you, so do what you want anyways? Yeah- that.
My point- and I do have one- is change is fucking hard. I do believe it's possible now, and I never did before. But to accomplish it, you NEED to move out of your comfort zone. You can take this to mean fitness, or work, or relationship or whatever you need to apply in your life- but either way you need to be uncomfortable. We are so busy trying to avoid DIScomfort that we become so lazy and so dissatisfied.... yet so unwilling and scared to make the change.

Do it. Stop wasting your life. It makes me sad.

Empowerment

I wrote this a few days ago and forgot to post! Dammit.

I'm feeling a more positive and less ranty post today.

One of my lovely friends sent me a picture of her super cute new yoga pants today. She was pretty excited to get them, and despite having surgery and being pumped full of IV fluids last week, fit into them. They are not forgiving pants- I have them in a variety of colors because I am a yoga pant whore. The text immediately after the pic was, as usual, explaining to me why she looked so shitty (which she didn't at all) and talking about losing more weight.
Sigh. I hate this.

I do it myself. I know it. Someone compliment something and my first instinct is to downplay it; "Oh no, this old thing?" or "If I only did more cardio/ kept my booze intake under control/ didn't have hips created for birthing this would look soooooo much better blahblahblah". The ladies in my classes do it all the time. I try to focus on strength compliments or how far they've come performance wise- after all shouldn't that be the focus? The physical appearance will come if you focus on gains in the gym and eating clean most of the time.
I did however, specifically tell a girl how fabulous she looked the other day. She beamed. Like sunshine and rainbows shooting out her ass she was so pumped that someone noticed. I've told her how strong she is before, and while it was well received... not like this.

Anyways, as usual I digress. My point today is about empowerment. Other than changing the focus of our society so we grow up NOT thinking we have to diminish our accomplishments (which I can't do because although awesome, I am only one person), how do we counteract this? I know scores of amazing women- big, small, moms, childless, career, home.... most of of them have in common the fact that they will react with an immediate diminishing comment when you compliment them. WTF.
Why do we as women tear each other down instead of building each other up? Why is it a seemingly natural reaction to say something nasty about the lady wearing a bikini when it's really my lack of self confidence to wear one too? Pointing her out doesn't make me look better, or make my karma better- it makes me look like an asshole.
So my conscious decision is to build them up. I slip sometimes of course. Yesterday at the Spartan race I felt conscious of wearing shorts (which is weird because my legs were covered in mud and no one gives one shit what I am wearing but me) but every damn time I wear shorts I feel like there is a spotlight on my ghost white legs. I made a comment about a lady running in just a sports bra. I am insecure so I make a comment about someone who clearly isn't? I felt like a huge DB.
So I wear shorts. ALL THE DAMN TIME. I don't know how else to overcome something. I tell my yoga students to push the limits of their comfort zone- outside of comfort is where we make change.

Miracle Treat Day?

I've ranted about this before in real life, so now it's time to type it out.
It's DQ Miracle Treat day. Like McDonald's happy day and Tim Hortons Camp Day, it is yet another day where a restaurant will donate part of the profits of a certain item sold. When the fuck is Apple Day? Save a Kid with a Salad Day?
It bugs me. Not because I hate charity and hate poor children who can't afford camp and it's not like my heart doesn't ache for sick children and their families. Because it's a fucked up marketing tool used by companies to sell more product using my emotions.

If you want a goddamn blizzard, then eat one. Don't justify it by thinking you are saving a sick child. If you want to actually help a sick child, donate the money directly to the cause (where my husband would say a large percentage of your donation would go to some asshole beaurocrat taking a huge salary but I digress). It's just another way to justify eating like shit. Hmmmm it's ok to intake a few hundred more calories.... OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Eat a Blizzard. Eat a Big Mac. Eat a donut- but as a conscious decision and a planned treat (ok, I take it back. Don't ever eat a Big Mac. Eat a delicious burger that actually has some nutritional value and meat in it). Don't justify food or straying off plan by thinking you are saving the world. Become a Big Brother or Big Sister and take that kid out to play soccer. That's making a difference. Take the money you'd spend on the treats for the family and send it directly to the Stollery- then go down to the local ice cream shop and get a cone for $1. Support local, feel good and get a treat. Win win.

- I realize this wasn't particularly well worded or spelled, but I have two babies pulling on my leg right now, so that's the best I got-
:)

Attitude

You may have seen the post title and thought I was going to post about positive attitude and how attitude is everything. No. This will be about my preschool child's shitty ass attitude and how it's ruining my life.
I pictured staying at home with my children as this wonderful experience. We would learn letters and numbers and they would explore their environment while I drank coffee and basked in the glow of their minds expanding. We would do playdoh and crafts and walk and smile and our bond would be amazing because I had given up my career to ensure their young years were spent with their mother.

Fuck was I wrong. More wrong than when I dated that total idiot in high school- and that was pretty fucked up. Yes we learn letters and do puzzles and I certainly drink coffee. A lot of coffee. Maybe our bond is amazing- maybe that will show up when they're in their late teens and deciding to snort meth or lose their virginity in the back of their dads car (I think I saw them snorting meth on breaking bad right? Or do you smoke it? Have I mentioned what being a parent has done to my attention span?). Anyways. Once can hope right? Because right now the bond seems to be my 3.75 year old screaming no when I ask him to put a toy away, and kicking me when I ask him to wipe his nose. My immediate response is that I want to punch him. Before you call child services, I don't actually punch him. But sometimes I want to- and that sure as hell wasn't in my dream of being the most wonderful mother ever.
If you are judging me right now, either we aren't supposed to be friends or you have 0-1 children. And thats ok. The chick in my kickboxing class who stared at me in horror as I mentioned to my friend that I was struggling to not backhand my child that morning can judge all she wants. I knew we wouldn't be friends way before that. I am sure she is praying for me right now..... And I am sure God if he does exists has far more important things to worry about.
My point, and I only sort of have one, is that I am struggling at this "season" in my child's life. Everyone says this too shall pass..... But shit some of these experiences sure take a freaking long time  
I have realized that my need for impulse control of reflected in my kid- how can I possibly teach him that it's not ok to hit if I hit him back? And again, I do not hit him back. I am explaining why I don't believe spanking works. Although I have spanked him, and it hasn't worked. His impulse is to hit, as is mine- I'm just older and have learned the lesson that its not ok while he has yet to learn that and it's my job to teach him. Maybe when he does learn it,he will thank me for all the years of struggle and frustration..... HAHAHAHA. As if.

Jack of all Trades..... Master of None

I have been thinking about this blog topic for a while. That doesn't mean it will be cohesive or well thought out, so don't expect too much. That means it applies in so many areas that didn't occur to me.

I had a friend and person I respect immensely in the industry say to me years ago that a certain girl we knew with 3 jobs was a Jack of all Trades, Master of None. I have thought of that exchange a few times over the years as I switch focus and switch careers. I know trainers who collect certs like baseball cards (mostly because they are so freaking easy to get) and yet are sorely lacking in most, if not all, areas of 'expertise'. I decided long ago that would not be me. I would not fake interest in something to make money, to get more classes or get more clients.

A few weeks ago in our counselling session, my husband mentioned that I was doing too much and he wanted me to cut out some clients and focus more on our family. (yes we go to counselling to work on our family and marriage and I have no issues publically discussing it. I LOVE counselling. Without it, we would be long ago divorced and hating each other). Anyways, my immediate response was Fuck YOU I CAN do it all!!! I have learned through counselling that in general my immediate responses suck. Fortunately, I usually don't verbalize those lol. I thought about it for days. He was right. WTF. He is never right...... shit. What else was he right about? I reflected back on the Jack of All Trades thing. Is that what I was doing? Trying to be mother, wife, trainer, group instructor, yogi, child care provider, friend, daughter etc..... Holy shit. In trying to do everything, I was doing nothing well.
To admit that still hurts my pride a little. I have always been a do-it all kinda person. I make shit from scratch. My kids didn't eat store bought bread at home until last year. I work a LOT. I have all these standards that need to be met. If someone needs me, I am there in one millisecond. But my family was falling apart. I spent the whole day with my kids, but I was never really WITH my kids. Sigh. Fuck. I suck at life.

I've started to say no. I am not good at it. I cut back my pt clients (but really, no one wants to train in the summer anyways lol). I am cutting back my full time job and as he says "just working on being a happy person, mom and wife". I thought about running a half marathon. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO RUN THAT MUCH???? I hate running. No, I hate running forever. I like running for a few kms... then I can picture my muscle burning off, and I have too little to lose these days. Why do I have to do a marathon? I do NOT have to do everything. The things I do, I want to do kickass. Not halfway. Doing less does not make me less. Doing less makes me more- more me. More happy. More able to do the things that are important to me..... and in the end isn't that what I will look back on and be greatful for?
As always, it's about balance.

Dichotomy

A friend's post on fb started me thinking about my own thinking today. She posted about gorging and having huge crazy cheat meals and how it's not necessary. I can remember my coach having to time my cheats because I could (or would) eat so much. I would eat till I got sick. My best friend and I would start in Starbucks with full fat frappucinos and cookies, then move over to Red Robin where we would share 3 meals and desserts. Yes. That happened more than once, and I would usually eat candy or bread on the way home. And be SO sick and looking 6 months pregnant. Now at that point in my life, the cheats were a tool in my overall plan. It wasn't just a mental break. Still, that sheer volume should illustrate to you how black and white I am. There is no grey.

I can diet like crazy. I can eat like crazy. I struggle with the balance of the two. Not just with food either. I am attempting lately, in my quest for personal growth this year, to try.... but it's fucking hard. Right or wrong; in or out.... there is no in between. That generally leaves me crazy and disappointed though.

All this thinking reminded me of how crazy I can get, and how I really have to check myself. I can finally have ice cream in the house without eating it all. My son picked me a treat when he was at the gas station last night, and my immediate reaction is to freak and say why did you let him buy that? You know I can't have Skor bars laying around!?!? My second reaction (after choking back the first one) is much more sane. I said thanks, had a bite and put it away. Don't think I haven't thought about that bitch just sitting there all crunchy and buttery and glorious in my cupboard though.

Oh and my foot fucking hurts. I hurt it somehow before Spartan, and it really hurt after. I ran last night and could feel it swelling in my shoe.... When the hell am I supposed to get to a dr? ARG!!

Injuries. WTF

I am feeling pretty funky today. Not good- Funkhouse funky, but In-A-Funk funky. The fact that it's grey and rainy and shitty out all day doesn't help, nor does the fact that I was awoken by a sharp pain in my right lung all night long either. Oh and the weird dreams last night- I had an epic dream that I was hanging out with my ex and his new wife and she was pregnant and we were at the mall shopping for maternity clothes for her. WTF? Someone analyze that shit for me please.

So back to the title. Injuries. I am fucking pissed at my crappy body. I have felt creakier than usual the last couple months. I ignored it and went on. I am avoiding my rheumatologist so I figure if I ignore stuff, it'll just magically go away and I won't need meds. Good plan hey? I love avoidance.
I hurt something in my wrist a few weeks ago. I will blame push ups since I hate them. Could've been chattarunga though also.... or who knows. I routinely slip a rib on my right side. Usually it's from snatching too heavy but this time it's a mystery. And fucking annoying since I have a Spartan race this weekend and can't really breathe deeply without pain. Super awesome.
Oh and can't forget the back- old work related injury that has been fucking awful for the last 2 months.
WHAT THE FUCK. I foam roll. I get massages. I am careful with form. I take rest days. I supplement glucosamine when I remember. I eat clean. I don't carry a ton of extra weight. I am so super annoyed by this I can't even explain it.
I am starting to think I might actually have to go talk to Dr Max out on Drugs at 35. Who tells me that it's only going to get worse. Thanks bro. Don't quit your day job to become a motivational speaker, mmmkay?

Ok I am done the pity party. Seriously, my whining has annoyed myself.

We are buying my oldest an upright bike tonight. If he stops being a whiny, spazzy asshole anyways. I wonder where he gets the whining from? ;)

Here is a laugh for today:

I was runnnning!

This morning was one of those runs where I wanted to air pump like Judd Neilson in The Breakfast Club. It was nice and cool; no rain no wind; I felt like a rockstar. WHY can't every run be like that?!??! Ugh. Or right, because I am a girl.
Today is, hormonally speakin,g like the calm before the storm. That creepy calmness where all is good- too good. It seems extra great because the wind has blown shit all over the place (wind being my hormones- if you don't get that analogy I am not sure what to tell you other than please do not operate heavy machinery). You know from the calmness that shit is going to hit the fan soon- and it'll be wayyyy worse than before. Damn uterus.

Anyways I had a good run. Physically and mentally. I made a conscious effort to NOT beat myself up the whole way, so that was nice. That bitch in my head has been really pissing me off lately- so I told her to STFU. She never does for long but she did this morning so I will take it.

This is my thought for the day. I don't generally care what other people are doing. There will always be someone (or lol everyone) faster than me, stronger than me, with a flatter belly or bigger hamstrings- by the way damn that Figure girl and her hamstrings yesterday at ON wearing leggings- but if I can't beat myself and continually challenge and work towards bettering myself, WTF is the point of being here? That's not just about fitness. I posted a status about change a while ago and in it I said "the only thing scarier than change is staying exactly the same". I will quote myself because goddamn I was right.

Motivation

Funny that I'm typing out a post on motivation when I am so tired and have so little of it. Plus it's all grey and freezing outside, which never helps. 

People always ask me how I am so motivated. Somedays this makes me laugh more than others. Today I did get up at 530 and run/ do my burpees. Yesterday I couldn't. That for me doesn't mean I skip a workout. That means I might have to do it later at night than I want, make it up later in the week- whatever it takes to make it work. 

When I first started working out seriously, I admit that I needed external motivation. And fortunately for me (or not depending on your perspective) I had it in the form of a controlling bodybuilder boyfriend. He showed me how to lift and when I didn't feel like going or made excuses about how busy I was etc, I went anyways- mainly so he wouldn't be upset. Yeah that is an entirely different post called "Codependency" or something similar... And I don't feel like digging up that grave today. 

By the time we split years later, I had found that I LOVED lifting. When I didn't do it, I felt like total shit. Crazy shit. 

Don't get me wrong here.... I don't jump out of bed at 530 singing with the bluebirds about how I love cardio so. Some days I say fuck it- but I make it up. Or I adjust my diet. Or I take one less cheat. Or I do an upper body workout twice that week. I know what I have to do to be and stay where I want to be, and I also know that I get crazier and lazier the less I exercise. I have also learned that motivation comes from within. Trainers are great, as are workout buddies and anyone who helps you stay on track. Ultimately though, it's you who has to do the work and you who has to take your ass to the gym/ track/ class. With me though, there is a fine line between motivation and beating myself up. "Come on lady you can do this!" Can very easily turn into "get your fat ass on that treadmill. You ate _______yesterday and you need to burn it off!"  

Like everything else.... It's all about balance. 

Two beautiful days in a row? WTF Alberta!

Gorgeous morning for a run. I don't often get a chance to run without my kids, so I am usually enthused when I do. Today, not enthused. I will blame it on an extra glass of wine last night combined with running yesterday also. I never run two days in a row- my old arthritic knees can't deal with it.
I ran anyways, but shorter than I had originally planned. I ran the hill three times instead. I am sure by tonight my bum will be more bah-dunk ish and an inch higher.

Also, I nailed Crane pose last night. I rule inversions after some wine. It should be a class. Drinks then yoga. Why has no one thought of this???


I found this in the notes on my phone. I wrote it early March, and although pretty personal I thought I would share it since I haven't had enough coffee to have any other original ideas yet-

So far as a single mom, I've learned the simple act of making dinner can reduce me to tears. A dinner I have no desire to eat but feel I should make to keep things normal.... When they are anything but.
I've learned that daytimes are hard- kids having extra tantrums and being extra clingy- but after bedtime is harder. The hours between the kids going to sleep and mine are lonely and sad.
I've learned that Ativan is good. Yoga is better. Crying in savasana is almost expected.
I've learned that a glass of wine every night isn't good for maintaining muscle mass. Greys anatomy should be avoided completely, as should any RomComs.
I thought mommy guilt was bad before, but now it's doubled. Every night I go to work and don't put them to bed, I feel like I'm failing them in their time of need. Yesterday was the first time I didn't cry when they went on a visit with their dad.
I've learned that Easter egg hunts are sad. Hiding them alone is depressing, and finding them alone with the kids isn't as exciting but i let them eat twice as much candy out of guilt. I've learned that getting ready in the morning takes twice as long and twice as much frustration- but let's be honest he never really helped there anyway. I really have one less person to wake up, and one less person to snap at me because they don't want to be up that early.

I hate transformers and Lego and shovelling and taking the garbage out I play more hockey than I ever have but still bake and read books and clean the whole house.

Guess who's back? Back again... Nanananana.

I will attempt to pick it up again. I apologize for those who care and missed me- and if you don't care wtf are you doing here anyways? My life sort of fell apart/ imploded a few days after my last post. No, I don't want to talk about it but thanks for asking. If you didn't ask, you're an asshole.

Here is my thought for the day. People tell me all the time "Oh, I couldn't diet for that long. I Just LOVE food too much".
A. I don't diet.

B. Because I am not overweight, I don't love food? I would argue that a clean eater/ competitors love of food (or obsession over anyways) would rival anyone's. I have friends about to compete this weekend and I guarantee you that some of them obsess every time they drive by a fast food place. Dreaming of greasy burgers; almost driving off the road because they are so distracted by the thought of salty French fries. I've been there. I've stood in front of the ice cream freezer gazing longingly at all the choices for so long that someone actually asked if I needed help.
I've craved and listed the food I wanted to eat and post-show binged on food I don't even like.

The point to all this is that I don't hate food. The point is that I do love it too, but I love liking myself more. I love fueling my workouts with clean food. I love being accountable to myself and my plan, and I love looking in the mirror and feeling good about it. Don't get me wrong- I love to eat crap also and I do. As part of my plan, in reasonable amounts, and when necessary. I no longer give up social events to stay home because I am afraid I will be tempted or left out by cheat foods (btw this behaviour now seems completely insane but is a very accepted thought in some circles). Cheat foods are such a part of socialization. Food is part of every major celebration and I refuse to miss out on that. I have no issue enjoying rich delicious foods I love, and enjoying friends- or even eating a cheeseburger and a bottle of wine by myself with a movie after a long week. Yeah, I said a bottle Judgey-Judgerson.
Ultimately as always, my point is BALANCE. Life is about balance. Loving food and loving social times with friends and family.... and loving yourself. Indulging some of the time, and kicking ass and eating clean most of the time.

Now get off your computer and go work out.

Fail

Ok I've been brutal. I can't lie to you people- or to myself. This past week has been a blur of stress and yoga and studying. Food- fail. I did fine until this weekend and then I ate my PMS feelings. It wasn't awful until Sunday- just a couple eggies and piece of bread- but then last night after I was done my LAST day of yoga training and my Nutrition exam and I said fuck it. Pizza, wine and ice cream. It was worth it.
I could make pages of excuses about lack of time, stress, blahblahblah but I won't because who the fuck cares. It's a new day. A new day of being a yoga teacher for reals :) and a closer to my trip.... so on the wagon I go.
This week is pretty nuts again. Next week should be somewhat normal I hope. We have our yogathon this saturday that is mostly my responsibility it seems.... plus work and covering extra bootcamps and regular life. SIGH. Oh and I am going to pick up the puppy in 20 minutes. Who needs to sleep?

Um so did you notice that I said I am DONE YOGA TRAINING WHOOOOOOTTTT!! Yes, I yelled at you at 6am on a monday. What an asshole.

Wasting time...

I should be practicing my sequence. I should be studying my nutrition text OR my group instructor text OR any multitude of texts laying around. Instead I am wrestling with all the distracted thoughts in my head. I am attempting to write out my intro sequence for yoga on friday- teaching the other teachers. Always scary. I can't focus... my instructor says it's called trying to cage the monkey. The more you try to force all the thoughts away into a cage, the more he fights.
My brain is a tired monkey today.

I had a massage last night. The whole hour I thought about where I would go back to to redo my life if I could. I wasted the whole hour thinking about that- like it was actually possible. I thought about events and specific years and what I would redo and what I wouldn't.... like someone was actually going to come make me decide. I could have relaxed- well not really considering how hard and awesomely she was elbow deep in my shoulder OW- but I could have thought of something constructive. Or thought of nothing at all and given my crazy mind a break.... but nope. I think about that for an hour. And still don't have an answer if one were ever necessary (just in case a Disney fairy is waiting in the background).

Sigh. I am overtired. I recognize that. I also recognize that I am filling waking hours with busy-ness to avoid dealing with things I don't/ can't deal with. I may be a lot of things, but I think I am pretty self aware. And tired. Self aware and tired. I hope the baby sleeps tonight, and I hope I don't lose my voice completely for tomorrow. It's hard to bust people's asses in a cardio class with no voice... I am sure there are people who wouldn't be too sorry. lol. It'll be a super awesome Valentines Day of work, clients and classes.

Oh and I picked a puppy name. He comes on the 25th <3

Begin again

There is nothing more annoying than typing out a whole post and deleting it.... Blarg. One more example of doing many things, but doing none of them well.

I had planned on going 60 days hardcore (before my Mex trip) starting next week after the long weekend.... but I ate half a pie last night and I feel gross. So today it is. I planned out my food (loosely) with more fats and less carbs- but not ever eliminating or going below a certain number. That is insane. I will start cardio after yoga training is over as cardio shouldn't be the focus for a weight loss tool, and I don't have time right now anyways. I scheduled in my lifting and yoga for this week into my phone calendar like any other appointment.
I stepped on the scale this morning and it was a little scary, but really I ate half a pie last night. And a skor. And a cookie.

I think I will go 3 weeks no cheats- I didn't say no wine. I like to play around and see what works and what doesn't, but I'm not competeing and I refuse to give up wine. I will give up coffee cream although I said I never would again.... just for these couple weeks. I have a date with some of my best lady friends on March 9th so that is almost a solid cheatless month.
I'd like to get down to 135 but I am not stuck on that number. I have been super bloated the last week or so (not due to lady problems either so I dunno wtf) so I need to eliminate some crap from my diet obviously. Reward after 3 weeks is a new bathing suit from VS- this one in these colors- LOVE IT.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/swimwear/new-arrivals/push-up-bandeau-top-beach-sexy?ProductID=76141&CatalogueType=OLS

The baby is finally sleeping through the night but now my 3.5 year old wakes up at 245am and wants to have a conversation about watching tv. Jesus.

Moms

Quick post as I wasted almost all of naptime looking at VS bathing suits for my trip in 70 some days and then reading Lyle McDonald's PSMF diet again lol. The two things are related.
After some conversations with some people this week, I have been thinking about "lost" people. Not sure that lost is the right word... but everyone is searching for something, right? I guess I feel like this yoga training is bringing more focus into my life. More openness? More peace in my brain anyways (which is good because as you all know there isn't a lot of that).
Those who don't trust the world, who question it all, who wander tortured.... It all comes back to early childhood IMO. I am entirely too wrapped up in my university level psych today. I have been thinking today that I don't struggle with any of that because I have never once questioned the love my mom has for me. I don't think I can do anything and I don't agree with telling my children they can. I did always know that she was there for whatever it was I needed- even if I was being a dick. Isn't that the basis of everything? How can a child explore and trust and learn without that? I am not saying it has to be a mom, because God knows there are some shit ass moms out there with sucessful children- just someone. Who loves without question and can always be trusted....
Yeah Yeah blablah all those who took any child development classes are saying We've heard it all and thanks for the newsflash Tips. Kids resiliency blahblahblah.
It just reminds me to tell my kids I love them. All the time. And to be that person of trust. Not the person who tells them what they want to hear, or the person who fixes all their problems or the person who hides away from them when something bad happens to them....

Not at all about fitness, but eff you it's my space and I can ramble about whatever I want. I had a brutal migraine last night so I am still fuzzy. Can you tell? Lol.

Blog #2 for today

You are SO lucky- I have so much to say I am doing two blogs today. lol.
This is mostly a note to myself, but you are welcome to read it.

I have no control over what anyone else thinks/ feels/ acts towards me. I have control over my own behaviour and responses. Simply because someone treats me badly does not permit me to respond the same way if I am living authentically (I recently started using the words living authentically since I still think they sound ridiculous and super cheezy, but at the same time work for what I am trying to do with my life). What other people think about me is none of my business. I am responsible for my own actions and reactions. 4 Agreements states that nothing anyone else does is because of me. Which reminds me I need to reread that at some point. Maybe holidays... but I digress.
How I treat people is my karma, how other people treat me is theirs.


Oh, and Dixie Chicks are coming to Stampede. WHOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!! I gotta get tickets this week.

Monday. Already. FACK.

I'm one of those people who learns things the hard way. You can tell me something till you're blue in teh face; I can watch someone go through whatever it is and logically identify the issue.... but can't apply it to my own life. The reason I bring this up is that I have been wondering if other people are more like me than I thought.....
I have been asked a lot about rest lately, so I thought I would address it. I've worked with some amazing coaches in my fitness life. Before them, I trained 6-7 times per week; cardioed myself to death; at Atkins style; did the Master Cleanse... blahblahblah. Anyone identify or think these are great ideas? Yeah you're an idiot. As was I.
I mean that in the nicest way possible. I say this ALL the time, and I think I got it from Scott Abel. MORE IS NOT BETTER (when it comes to working out). BETTER IS BETTER. To explain, more cardio is not better. Working out every single day is not better. Training efficiently and effectively is better. More leads to burnout. More plus less food leads to metabolic damage.
You have to eat to lose- another one I always say. I didn't make these up and I would certainly credit who said them if I could remember anything beyond an hour ago.
But seriously. Your weight loss stalled? Examine your diet. HONESTLY examine your diet (sorry for all the CAPS as I hate it when people type in caps since it's douchey, but I really want to emphasize some stuff here). Everyone adds more cardio- wrong. You so badly want to do more cardio then throw in a couple interval sessions. I said a couple. Not 3, not 4. That combined with weights and clean diet should be enough- I feel bad generalizing because it's so person specific, dependent on what one does in the gym etc. Bootcamp style classes can be overtraining on their own. Add on to that- CNS nightmare.

Now if you don't work and have nothing to do all day but exercise, by all means.... most of us have a thousand things to do and little time in which to do it. So train efficiently. Maximize the time you have. I haven't done cardio since... November? December? I can't remember, and I have maybe gained 3 lbs because my diet is clean and I train hard.
BTW that is an on purpose break because my body NEEDED the rest. When you are tired, not motivated etc listen to your body. Pushing past it will only contribute to burnout and injury. This drives me CRAZY. If a Dr tells you to rest, fucking do it. Yeah I walked before the 6 weeks was up after having both my kids, but I was in shape before I got pregnant with them. Again, person specific. If you are continually run down and getting sick- think about it. Maybe you need a rest. A week off isn't going to kill you. It isn't going to make you fat. That isn't a physical issue, it's a mental one because it's all in your head. Life is about balance. If you don't realize that, you will likely become one of those people who only talks about clean eating and posts constant statuses about how much you exercise and no one will want to be your friend (other than similar weirdos) and you will wake up one day realizing how obsessed you are and how little you are enjoying training anymore. Trust me.....

Ugh my brain

I am trying to write an article on breakfast options for families for a local paper and I am BLANKING. Christ I wrote half of it in my head last week but now I can't get anything down! And what I did write I sound like some uppity bitch suburban mom. Which I am of course, but I try not to sound it.
It must be the cold. FACK is it gross outside. My skin is all flaky. TMI I know, but seriously. I am llike a freaking snake. I have been avoiding my black leggings for that reason.

I am thinking too much today. I'll blame the hormones. I am overthinking all work and life options. All day today and yesterday..... trying to balance, trying to figure out best options, trying trying trying. UGH I don't know what the answers are. I know there is some God quote about letting go and letting God, but I think he is more concerned with larger matters of the world. Or at least should be.

We got a puppy :) Well, he will be here end of Feb. Just in case I got more than a couple hours of sleep... lol. So in my spare moments when I should be writing articles and programming I am looking at collars and dishes and crates. lol.

Ugh. I'm sure I've used that title before....

It's -41 with windchill. When it's this cold, I realize how drafty and shitty the windows are in our house. They're all iced over... and I wonder why our utilities are insane. At least I get to stay inside until tonight when I have to work.

My 6 am client cancelled this morning (thank God), so I got in a nice practice in front on the fireplace before the kids came. I am still sore from our loooooong practice on Sunday in class- and I hate being upside down. I am not sure why I hate inversions so much.... It's not just because I suck at them because I suck at a lot of things and I don't hate them as much? I should look it up in one of my books- I am sure it says why somewhere (like I have abandonment issues or I am afraid to be alone etc). We went over that in class this weekend too about how the chakras block energy etc and what ailments appear from that. I am not sure how I feel about all the chakra stuff. It's interesting. I do HATE breathing exercises (they call it pranayama in Yogi terms). I FREAKED in class when we have to exhale all breath out then hold for a count. I feel like I am choking.

What else.... Oh, looking at preschools for my bigger baby. WTF. Preschool already?!? I found some preschool prep cd's for sale online. WTF again people- isn't preschool prep for real school? Now I have to prep him for prep??? Why does everyone have such a hard on for overeducating thier littles? Just let them be little!! Let them learn through play for gods sakes..... I have ABCs and Numbers and stuff all over the play room but I don't force 3 year old to sit in a desk and do lessons. We count, we color, we play, we sing. Calm the fuck down parents. Likely your kid isn't a genius and even if he is, preschool prep isn't going to make a difference.

Planning a yogathon for our Karma project. I am actually pretty pumped about it. I have a zillion things to do, but I am hoping this thing will get pretty big. :)

Making these today beause I am cold and I want the oven on: http://www.fitsugar.com/Cinnamon-Quinoa-Bake-21799042 they look kinda weird but I have all the ingredients and I am afraid to make banana bread again.

Oh and of course rant for today- when my husband finishes off a bag of chips, eats a Dilly bar THEN eats the mixed nuts that I have 1 oz of everyday. He doesn't just EAT the fucking nuts though, he picks out the good ones. I go to count out my goddamn nuts this morning and SURPRISE- all fucking brazil nuts and almonds left. Nutpunch.

Thursday?

I have lost track of what day it is, but I am pretty sure it's Thursday. This week has been a haze of work, work, yoga, baby's birthday and pain. Stupid rib- I have decided I slipped a rib (good old Dr. Googles helped me diagnose it) since it happens every few weeks. It fucking hurts. Sorry for the vulgarity- oh no wait, I'm actually not. ;)

My friend posted this pic on her FB page (Recharged:Fueling your life with food and fitness- go like it). It's funny because it goes along the same lines as my thought patterns for the past few days. Today's blog will be a little less ranty/ angry since I feel more mellow and introspective. Hormones.
I realized yesterday that every single morning I get up, pee, strip down to shower and evaluate. Before I brush my teeth, eat breakfast or even speak to anyone- I have already evaluated my self worth for the day. This week has been particiularly bad because it's the week before the Flo and I have been eating everything in sight, which translates to bloat in the morning. I have been eating clean but too much clean which is still not good.
So if I think my belly is poochy I determine I suck and need to tighten up the diet. I begin to beat myself up about doing more cardio (even though logically I know I am taking a scheduled break from cardio and I have zero time). I start to compare back to a time when I looked better or leaner. All this happens in less than the time I take to shower and at 5am. Now really, at 5 am I should have one thought- COFFEE- but on it continues.
This morning as I got dressed and made my coffee, I continued the list in my head of things I was lacking at or needed to do. I started to get a little panicky and overwhelmed... so I wrote some stuff down and just tried to breathe and let the rest go....
Yoga helped. I did my practice at the studio before my 6 am client.
Maybe now that I am hyper aware of this, I can work on it. Ugh. One more thing to work on. I sometimes wish I was less self aware and could just BE. Fixing oneself is difficult and overwhelming.

I want a latte. And a chiro appt. I don't think I will get either today. Le Sigh.

Excuses

Happy Monday! I have a weekful of 14 hour days in front of me, plus a whole weekend of yoga training. Plus it's Baby G's birthday on Thursday- thank God we had the party already. Which brings me to my point of the day- excuses.
Seriously, the amount I work and have responsibilities like kids etc if I can get workouts in/ prep food/ get all my work done- SO CAN YOU. Everyone is busy. I get that. But don't tell me that you don't have time to work out then 5 minutes later tell me what happened on the Bachelor.
We all make time for things that are important to us. If you want it bad enough, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.
Also, this will sound harsh but I don't care. If you don't pay me to listen to them, I don't want to hear your excuses. I actually don't want to hear excuses at all but if you are my client at least I understand why you are telling me. I can't cound the number of times I have had people bring up my training, job, workouts or whatever and then launch into reasons why they can't workout, or why they can't/ don't eat properly.... here's the mean part- I just don't care. They bring it up because they feel guilty? Embarrassed? I have no idea. When they're ready if they ask, I will help. Otherwise I just don't care what they eat- as I don't expect them to care what I eat.
My husband always gets irritated with me because I continue to help those who don't follow through. Yet how am I to know when it will 'click' for them? Maybe it wont, but maybe one time it will- and then it's wonderful.
Back to my point- the excuses are all bullshit and I don't want to hear it. Unless you are my client then I will listen, kick your ass and tell you to move the F on and do better next week.

I made these today for snacks/ meals this week http://whatisbakinginthebarbershop.blogspot.ca/2012/06/peanut-butter-banana-oatmeal-squares.html
They're my favorite with 2 scoops of chocolate pro powder added in. They are lovely frozen as well.
I am cooking up some ground bison and jasmine rice this afternoon for easy to tranport meals for the week then my prep will be done until mid week when I'll do up some chicken.

I am struggling to schedule in all my yoga plus some lifting- but I won't make an excuse lol. I did some heavy upperbody lifts this morning before my client (at 5 am suckers. You do what you gotta do), plus I will get in my yoga practice tonight after my 830 client. I did a half assed yoga practice last night then watched two episodes of Revenge and ate ice cream. It was my responsibility and my fault. I was tired, I was overworked, I had too much on my plate blahblahblah. No one wants to hear it. ;)

Thursday already?! WTF.

203 page views but 1 person following? WTF people. Hit the follow button. Then you'll get notifications when I make long, rambling posts instead of having to save the link.

I just made these: http://www.theyummylife.com/Refrigerator_Oatmeal and hard boiled eggs. I have been guilty of a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do approach to nutrition lately. I just haven't been eating enough, especially protein. I tell everyone to prep (Fail to plan means plan to fail) but I have been struggling to find time to work, clean, practice daily and get my readings in- never mind meal prep. It's all about priorities though and it's time to get mine together.
My ass was kicked into gear by a conversation I had with a trainer-competitor friend last night. As an aside, I love that I have made my own friends in this town. It's tough as an adult, but I have made some connections with some really great like-minded people and it makes me happy. It helps remove the sting from losing some friends that I thought were forever.  Anyways, I will get my train of thought back on the rails. So the conversation. She said her husband appreciates that she "walks the walk" because she is so hardcore. I agree. I wouldn't hire an out of shape, out of touch trainer. I appreciate people who love to learn like she and I do and I constantly think about "walking the walk". To the point where it's almost too much.... living in a small town doesn't help. Everytime I grocery shop I wonder if someone will see me and analyze what is in my cart. Yes it sounds self involved, but it's that kind of town! I need to be accountable and authentic for myself- not because of what everyone else thinks and their expectations.

Brings me to another conversation- well actually a text convo because I NEVER get to see her. My friend Megan sent me a text the other day saying she loved reading this because I always seem put together and it reveals some of my struggles. I honestly laughed out loud. Really- put together?? Most days I am just trying to get through and accomplish whatever I can. Lately I struggle to balance all I have going on and I have been told I am doing a shitty job of it. Well, it's the best I've got so what more can I do? Somehow I feel like I should be doing more; should be doing better so it's a constant stream of guilt/ self berating especially at 3 am when I wake up and can't get back to sleep. Anyways, the point of me bringing this up is that everyone has struggles. Everybody poops, right? We are all the same, just the struggles are different and some of us (apparently) fake it better.

Tonight is my busy night. Two clients then two classes back to back. Good times. AND after 6 kids all day... people wonder why I drink so much coffee.

Edited to add- man do I hate peeling those egg bitches. I need one of those Eggie things As Seen On TV.

So frustrated

I could rant for hours but I won't. I have been told I need to improve the "locker room" of our marriage and it wouldn't do any good anyways, so I will leave it. Suffice to say I am incredibly frustrated and feel at the end of my rope.

Two topics today.... One. I was told how lucky I am today. Apparently, I am able to eat a snack right before bed because I am skinny. SIGH. Where do I begin with this statement? Firstly, I am not lucky. I work my balls off and I eat clean the majority of the time. Secondly, there is absolutely no correlation between being 'skinny' (which is term I hate btw) and not eating after 6pm- no matter what Dr. Oz or Doctors or whoever says. Calories are total intake all day long. The reason WHY I am 'skinny' (it pains me to write that) is because I consume calories steadily throughout the day, work out hard and eat clean calories without going over a certain number.
Why is this so difficult? I am not lucky, or genetically able to eat whatever I want, or any of that.

Which brings me to point number Two. This article annoys me. http://www.leducrep.com/2013/01/02/no-need-to-change-diet-according-to-new-study-dietitian
It's a great example of how findings in studies can be miconstrued according to the reader, publisher and who ever else may gain finacially/ otherwise from it. I think the dietician explained it well when she stated that "insulin production is not really dependent on when you'r eeating as much as what you're eating".
WHAT you're eating, folks. This just in. Of course when you eat certain foods is important in training and great coaches will tell you that and explain it to you. But for the general public, what you are eating is far more important.

Oh random third. Lance Armstrong admitted to taking performance enhancing drugs. I'm about to open a huge can of worms here, but I just don't give a shit. I would like to know which ones, just for my own interest, but otherwise... I don't think he is a devil. I don't think he is evil, or a cheater, or should be stripped of anything. I dare anyone to take any drug out there and try to ride the Tour de France not just win it. One ball or not- drugs give an edge. Yeah it's unfair. It's also unfair that that chick has longer legs than me or rounder muscle bellies or bigger boobs. It enhances the genetically gifted and kicks training a little higher..... but you can't tell me he sat on his ass and watched SOA while his competitors trained. He trained his ball off too.
I get it's not a popular opinion yet it is one shared by those familiar with performance enhancing drugs- which is not the general population. Generally people hear STEROIDS ZOMG!!
You don't have to agree with me, but it's my place to ramble so too bad.
Happy Tuesday. LOL not a very uplifting post but I'm exhausted from a weekend of the stomach flu and still taking care of 2 kids all day and trying to clean and santize an entire house and do 8 loads of laundry and train clients then wake up suddenly at 330 am and not be able to sleep.... UGH.

Procrastination.....

Thank the lord for naptime. My 3 year old and I painted while the other kids napped (or cried, then napped UGH). I am attempting to put down the phone, step away from the computer/ work and spend ACTUAL 1 on 1 time with my kids. It's difficult. I also need to do this with my husband, even if we are just watching tv. He complains time to time that I am always looking at my phone (especially lately with all the work I feel like I might miss some earth shattering event on Facebook) and I know it's rude. It's become such a habit half the time I don't even realize I am looking at it.
One of the topics we explore in yoga training is being in the present- HUGE goal of mine. I suck balls at it.

I made granola today. Exciting I know. I effing LOVE granola, but it's so damn sugary. Here is close to what I made: http://glutenfreegirl.com/homemade-granola-gluten-free/ but of course I messed around and added/ subtracted some stuff- sf syrup of course and added chia seeds. Not sure how that'll turn out. I hate dried apricots btw. They're so gross, although useful if you can't poop.

My early am client cancelled for this morning so I finished my practice early. I am working on my home practice by find it difficult because my 3 year old wants to be beside me all the time. Hard to focus on the breath when a kid is asking "Momma what you doing? Why you do dat? Why you lie down?" an inch from my face.....

I am teaching cardio class then kickboxing tonight. I haven't taught kickboxing to a group before, so I am a little nervous but mostly excited. I should be studying right now, or programming for clients or even cleaning the house. I have no desire to read a text about nutrition or the yoga sutras.... I really want to watch Days and eat chocolate. But I won't. Sticking to a plan, eating clean and getting shit done doesn't mean you never WANT crap- it just means you don't give in. You respect yourself enough to stick to your goal. Plan your work, then work your plan. I dunno who said that to me originally, but I didn't make it up just so you know. It's still good. :)

So we begin again....

I love rambling online. I journalled on a long lost fitness site for years- when that one closed, I found another but when that one closed, I stopped. I have issues drawing the line between sharing and oversharing.... and thought maybe I would take a break.
I missed it. I missed the venting and the comments from my online "friends" who became an important part of my life. I missed attempting to organize my thoughts into some coherent, managable post. Just typing it all out seemed to organize it in my head.
So I have started again. I have been asked a few times, so here we go I will attempt to keep up but since life has exploded I am not sure. I did download the app for my phone so hopefully I can ramble remotely. LOL.

About me in case you don't know. I am firstly a mom to two beautiful and sometimes exhausting children. 3 and almost a year. I will try not to online cry on her birthday in a few weeks, but I promise nothing. Hey if you don't like it- find another goddamn blog to waste your time with. I am a wife. I am a teacher (although that is on hiatus right now). I am a personal trainer and a fitness instructor. I am in training to become a yogi, which is difficult and wonderful. More on that later.
I ama former Figure competitor. I only mention it because I will attempt to make this blog mostly about fitness, clean eating and lifestyle and that factors in to my struggles with balance. I don't want to be one of those people who lives in the 'glory days' of the past, but it does affect my present and how I feel about myself and fitness in general. I will never compete again because it made me an even crazier bitch than I am now- hard to believe I know. I loved the challenge so now I search for challenges and new goals to set.... I refuse to be complacent. Maybe this means I can't live in the present and enjoy where I am? Undoubtedly. Again- I struggle with balance.

Today I was up at 5 as usual. I did 6 sun salutations (3 A and 3 B) as part of my yoga training is to practice every day. This was not part of my whole flow sequence that I will do tonight after I get home from work at 830 pm, but I just like it in the morning. I had a great client at 6, then came home to the kids and dayhome kids. I am back at the studio tonight for client and reception, then yoga then bed. That is a normal day for me :)- oh and cleaning up and laundry and mom stuff in there too lol.

If I can work out- YOU can find time to work out.

Now that the intro is done my rant for the day. If you are going to pay someone to train you, make sure they are qualified. If you are going to take diet advice or workout advices- look at the person. Do they walk the walk??? Do they have a background in what they are talking about? Or have they just bought into whatever fad of the day is happening and are they making money off their advice?
Yeah, I make money off training. Hells yeah I do. But I have spent a TON of money and hours to be educated. I didn't just take a weekend course after working out for 4 months. I read constantly. I ASK experts when I don't know- because damn straight I have a ton of learning to do.
It seems like a bunch of these weekend trainers are so freaking arrogant and they really have no idea. It irritates me, if you couldn't tell.
My training style is not for everyone. I get that. All I am saying is do your research. Ask questions about the trainers history..... it ain't cheap, so why waste your money? Educate yourself. Do the work.

Edited to add- I have a weekend cert. I have a couple. I also have university courses and have had the opportunity to work with and learn from some amazing coaches, over the course of 12 years. Some great coaches have very little formal training, but a lifetime of reading and experience. Some trainers have a 2 or 4 year formal degree... and don't know shit. It doesn't boil down to one thing.