40th

I'm 40 this week.
40. I get age is nothing but a number and 40 is the new 20 and it's as old as you feel and all that other bullshit people say when you express how shocked you are that you're acutally an adult age.
40. This is not where I thought I would be at 40. I have a great life. I know. I actually don't think 40 will be as brutal as 39 was (knock on wood), so I am ok with it.
For some reason, the 9s are more challenging for me. At 19, at 29 and at 39 I made some major life changes. It's like the impending decade birthday wakes me the hell up and do some painful things before it's too late. That said, I hope my 40th year is much quieter and more calm than the 39th. My soul is tired.

I’ve learned many lessons in my many years. Some took a long ass time to wrap my slow brain around; some very painfully fast.

The most important lesson I have learned this year is that I don’t know shit. I don’t know anything about anything. I certainly have a lot of opinions but I certainly have much to learn. 

I have met many people who have helped me learn these lessons. While I love some of them very much our time was short.

Random list of  realizations and lessons from my many, many years:
-I will put cream in my coffee. For many years I convinced myself I liked it black. I don’t. I like consuming less calories so I brainwashed myself. I will now always put cream in my coffee and eat a small bit of really good chocolate every single day. Not waxy chocolate, but really good dark stuff that I eat in actual bites instead of shoving the whole thing in my mouth.

-To respond emotionally gives your power away. I know I didn't say that first- Bruce Lee maybe?  No response is a powerful one and so is taking time to formulate a logical response. This lesson has transformed many relationships for me and for that I will always be grateful. "Logic" and "reason" don't come naturally to me in times of emotion (which, lets face it, for me is pretty much ALL the time), so this is a big one. When I respond without thought it tends to become very explosive and I regret it in the long run. I have destroyed relationships in the past because of my responses. Even if I just pause to take a breath... it changes everything.

-Not everyone you love is meant to stay. It doesn’t minimize the level of care or the impact on your life but sometimes it just isn’t the right time. Or the right circumstances. Or there are too many obstacles. Or the person you thought you loved simply doesn't exist anywhere but in your mind. There is grace in letting go. There is relief in releasing a chokehold on a love that you cannot force.

- I will say no. It might take me some time to realize (as my default is to agree and do what makes other people happy), but I will say no. No to going out, no to adding things to my plate, no to making everything from scratch, no to my children if I need to, no to everyone. I will draw boundaries and they may result in some broken relationships. For too many years, I said yes and I broke under the weight of those expectations and agreements.

-Expanded from above- I will say no to my children. This is a big one for me. If I have reached my limit of physical touch, I will reassure them and then peel them off me. I will sacrifice many things for them but not myself. This is a constant balancing act and probably my hardest goal. I will make sure their needs are met but they need to realize that I am also a person with needs. That means sometimes Mommy needs to go to the gym and sometimes Mommy needs a time out. I cannot pour from an empty cup- but that said I will firstly make sure their needs are met. Their behaviour is a direct correlation of how well I am meeting those needs.

- I will honour what serves me. I realize that my general attitude in the morning isn’t great if I am rushed, so I will get up an hour earlier to drink coffee, stretch and organize my brain AND not talk to anyone. I will schedule exercise into my day because I become an anxious mess without it (and I’m 40 now so it requires more work to keep things where I want them to be). I will not sacrifice self care for busyness. This is easier when I do the above ^ and say no when my plate is full. This is easier when I plan and prepare meals and make lunches in advance and do what I know I need to do rather than sitting binge watching Netflix.

-I will sit and binge watch Netflix. In the summer I started to schedule lazy days. I realize this sounds insane. Yep I am such a Type A planner I need to schedule my laziness. It takes work for me to do
NOTHING. I started to pick every second Sunday when my kids were at their dads (in preparation for NFL season to start) and planned to do nothing. For me, a lazy day means a long workout, a starbucks run, and a cheeseburger in bed.

-I will not let events change who I am, no matter how painful. I will not allow hurts to make me hard. I am someone who loves a lot and won't change that to avoid pain. Yes it might hurt like a bitch, but it won't break me. I have also learned that. The reward is greater than the risk, and I will ALWAYS take the risk. I will love first, I will love most and I will love greatest and I won't pretend I don't. This goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones.

-I will cherish my people. It took me a long time to find my people. I neglected them for a long time too.. but because they are my people, they understood and stuck around. No matter what happens, I will protect my fierce lady friendships. I value relationships more than anything else in my life and will prioritize them before anything else (I count my relationship with my children there before you freak out and think I am neglecting them to drink wine with my lady friends. Not what I meant at all). We have a First Wives Club that has an agreement to be there. That's it. We drunkenly agreed to BE THERE no matter what. I will drop anything, except my kids, to be there. As they have for me. It  takes a big man to understand this.

That's it. That's enough.
Happy 40th to me. Maybe I have 40 more... maybe not. I won't spend the remaining years waiting, or wondering, or regretting.

Babies on Vacay

My babies are on a holiday.

I am not.

I didn't sleep last week in anticipation of them going. I would wake up in the middle of the night either panicked that something happened to their plane or that something happened while they were there (the worst sunburn ever; secondary drowning; Mexican drug cartel... my imagination is immense in the dark) and I wouldn't be there to fix it. Who will pack their goggles? Who will make sure that they wear enough sunscreen?

I haven't slept much this week because they are gone. They are having so much fun. They are well taken care of. They are not overly sunburnt as far as I know, they are safe in the water and the cartel has stayed away. Their dad has made them call me twice, which I appreciate more than he probably knows.

They are having fun. Without me. They are swimming and eating ice cream and making memories without me. With their dad and a new person. With someone they care about a lot.

I respect that. I try to anyways. I have a great stepmom and logically think it's wonderful that my children have another person to care for them and to be there for them.

Emotionally I feel like my heart is breaking. My village has assured me that no one will ever take my place as their mother. Logically I know that.
Emotionally... when I see pictures of the 4 of them together, the fear of losing them makes it hard to breathe. The thought that they will go to someone else about their hurts and problems and stresses makes me crazy. The thought that someone else will comfort them when they have a bad dream or rub their backs when they are sick just destroys me. The thought that someday, my babies might ask to go live with their dad and his girlfriend full time makes me panic. It's more fun there. It's the home they grew up in. I get it. Logically. Emotionally I have ranted and cried and screamed. I have made 2 snarky comments to my children about it. I am not proud of that.

I am not a great mom. I get overwhelmed and I don't have enough patience and I yell and don't read to them enough and don't tell them how amazing they are enough and I lie awake thinking of ways I should have been better after a long day of refereeing their fighting... but I am a good mom and I love them more than I ever thought possible.
I didn't know coparenting would be THIS hard. I thought it would get easier. I thought after a year, I would be ok with them being gone every second week. I thought shared custody was a necessary evil to get out of a bad relationship. I thought we would share them and try to raise them together and the awful feeling of being lost when they were gone would lessen.

It hasn't.

Every second Friday when I drop them at their dad's, I cry. For a year now. I cry every second Friday at 5:02 when I drive away. Every second Friday at 5 I make plans to distract myself so I don't have to go home to face the emptiness of my house. I thought I would start to look forward to it... but I hate it. With every piece of my heart. I hate it.

Don't get me wrong- it's less devastating by a fraction. Their dad and I are now on speaking terms and even able to have civil and friendly conversations. He makes them call me and I make them call him (what 9 and 6 year old want to talk on the phone anyways?). He and I had a conversation before they left about how hard it was going to be and how much I was dreading it. He says he understands- but he doesn't yet. I haven't introduced them to anyone. I haven't added another person to their life that they adore. He hasn't had his place threatened yet. As much as he and I have been through, I dread that day for him. I know it will gut him. I know how much he loves our children and I know how hard it will be. I know how hard it is.

I wasn't going to blog anymore. I was going to speak less and listen more. This one I had to get out though. I read an article when we first split about how hard coparenting is, and I remember thinking Oh my God that is me. That is exactly how I feel. Thank God other people struggle this hard.
So tonight, at 5pm when my babies should be coming home but are on a beach instead, I spewed all this mess out on my laptop as I sob in my kitchen and drink too much blueberry tea. Just in case someone needs to read it. Just in case someone is wondering if the grass is greener.

I am fortunate to have my babies at all. I am lucky to be their mom. They are not just mine. I have to remember that. They are a gift to many... and as much as it hurts me to share, I have to learn to give up ownership and share the gift of my babies with others.
And trust that they will always, always know I how much I love them.