What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't do a post about New Years and resolutions and changes? I am already a lazy one that never blogs with any regularity so I really should do what I can.
I posted the link to a fabulous blog on my fb page about changing resultions- reframing the usual weightloss blahblah ones to a healthier mindset. That blogger really stated all I was thinking in a more cohesive manner than I can type, but I thought I'd expand/ be redundant on my own post.
Everyone is so anti-resolutions these days. "I don't believe in resolutions" "they never work anyways" etc. I LOVE resolutions. I love excitement and life changes and reflections. I love anything that makes people look at their lives honestly and think about how they can move forward. I make a point of doing this several times a year- September is really my "new year".
I do NOT love anything that encourages people to feel inadequate, self conscious, not good enough. Really though, like all of life, it depends on how you look at it and how you frame it.
I can say I want to lose weight. Honestly of course I would love to lose 10lbs. I would love to be a small 4, rather than a slightly big 4 edging into the 6 a couple weeks out of the month. I am aware of what I would need to do to get there, and am right now unwilling to do it. If I say "I need to lose weight" I am subtly saying to myself that I am too big... I am too fat, I am not enough. Reframe that shit. I really want to be stronger. I want to lift more and run further and be better. Not better than anyone else- better than 2013 me. And I do that by working my ass off. In all things.
I want to fuel my body with quality foods- to feel better and perform better. The greatest thing about all that is that leanness comes with lifting more and fuelling the body properly. I'll slip and that's ok. All I can do is the best I can.
Maybe some will quit smoking, quit drinking pop, quit swearing (SO not one of mine obviously), quit eating fast food, quit raging, quit a job they hate, quit taking life for granted, start the gym/yoga/ cardio/ eating better/ drinking more water/ taking care of themselves..... Maybe they won't. I think anything that makes people start thinking about making positive changes is a beautiful thing.
Lets be realistic though friends. I tell clients to set smaller goals. You want to start eating better, don't buy only quinoa and grassfed beef and protein powder. Guaranteed it will crash- rare are those who can do 180 degree turn. Be gentle with yourself. Make small changes- drink more water and get rid of calorie laden beverages. Substitute whole grain/ real food for packaged stuff more often. Eat more veggies. Just consciously eating more fruits and veg will make an enormous difference. Register for a class- one class, not 6. Schedule the rest of your life around it. Don't let fear stop you. Everyone at the gym who is really there to work out won't give one shit what you are doing. And if they do, they're douchebags anyways and who gives a shit what they think.
That is the best resolution IMO- stop caring what other people think. LIVE.
My resolutions are really just reminding myself of the goals I have throughout the year. Looking back on my actions and behavior and how I can be authentic to myself. How I can live with intention, rather than impulsively and emotionally. How I can learn about and pursue my passions, while sharing them with others. How I can be present in the moment (this I SUCK at. I am addicted to the vampire that is my cell phone).... Large goals and ones I will likely be working at for the majority of my life. I will slip, I will have moments of sucking, but all I can do is take reminders like New Years and refocus.
And reread the 4 Agreements. I resolve to do that ;)
Happy New Years Eve friends. Take care out there.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 16, 2013
Cookies....
4 dozen cookies and 2 dozen mini cheesecakes done for today. My back hurts.
I have to rebake some stuff bc my husband has been indulging. I don't REALLY mind sinc eI love the baking part, but I am WAY over my food budget this month and it's starting to stress me out. Plus my pain level has been awful lately, and all the standing in the kitchen is killing me. Awful. I am trying to manage it but it's clearly not working.
I was thinking about Christmas cards today. Old school dying tradition. I LOVE cards. I get giddy everytime I pull an envelope out of the mail box. I get annoyed that people don't send them and I insist on sending out 40+. I get family pics every year mostly to make up a pic collage card. Maybe my friends don't all want pics of my family and they can get fuck themselves- but I want pics of ALL my friends. I want a damn family pic. I want to put them up and smile as I pass the pics of the people I care about. The sad thing is, I know a bunch of people who refuse... not because they hate cards or don't want family pics but simply because they hate how they look.
This makes me sad.
Really sad.
I expect to look back on all these pics when I am old and think "WTF was I thinking having my hair like that?" "Or you were such a hussy back then" or to my husband "Man remember when you had hair?!!??" but I certainly I hope I don't look back thinking what a fat ass I was... even though at the time I may not have been totally happy with where I was physically.
I've been thinking a lot about judgements and negative self talk lately. I have been going over and over in my mind how destructive and horrible it is.... and how myself can get out of it, never mind encourage clients to do so. I have also been thinking a lot about intentions. Being intentional. Living with intention. Bringing MORE to my training and being conscious about it. Ignoring my immediate visceral reactions to emotional events (and they can be extremely strong), stepping back and making an intentional response. Perhaps I have to (and encourage others) to be intentional in self talk as well. Yeah it feels ridiculous. It SOUNDS ridiculous for me to say it out loud to people. but how else can we change it? How can we change that horrible awful voice in our head? That voice that if it came from anyone else, you would either punch them in the throat or never speak to them again? (if that isn't your reaction then you have bigger issues than negative self talk tight now)....
Lets be intentional people. It's the time of love and brotherhood and peace. Let's carry that over to ourselves. Love and peace friends. Merry Christmas.
I have to rebake some stuff bc my husband has been indulging. I don't REALLY mind sinc eI love the baking part, but I am WAY over my food budget this month and it's starting to stress me out. Plus my pain level has been awful lately, and all the standing in the kitchen is killing me. Awful. I am trying to manage it but it's clearly not working.
I was thinking about Christmas cards today. Old school dying tradition. I LOVE cards. I get giddy everytime I pull an envelope out of the mail box. I get annoyed that people don't send them and I insist on sending out 40+. I get family pics every year mostly to make up a pic collage card. Maybe my friends don't all want pics of my family and they can get fuck themselves- but I want pics of ALL my friends. I want a damn family pic. I want to put them up and smile as I pass the pics of the people I care about. The sad thing is, I know a bunch of people who refuse... not because they hate cards or don't want family pics but simply because they hate how they look.
This makes me sad.
Really sad.
I expect to look back on all these pics when I am old and think "WTF was I thinking having my hair like that?" "Or you were such a hussy back then" or to my husband "Man remember when you had hair?!!??" but I certainly I hope I don't look back thinking what a fat ass I was... even though at the time I may not have been totally happy with where I was physically.
I've been thinking a lot about judgements and negative self talk lately. I have been going over and over in my mind how destructive and horrible it is.... and how myself can get out of it, never mind encourage clients to do so. I have also been thinking a lot about intentions. Being intentional. Living with intention. Bringing MORE to my training and being conscious about it. Ignoring my immediate visceral reactions to emotional events (and they can be extremely strong), stepping back and making an intentional response. Perhaps I have to (and encourage others) to be intentional in self talk as well. Yeah it feels ridiculous. It SOUNDS ridiculous for me to say it out loud to people. but how else can we change it? How can we change that horrible awful voice in our head? That voice that if it came from anyone else, you would either punch them in the throat or never speak to them again? (if that isn't your reaction then you have bigger issues than negative self talk tight now)....
Lets be intentional people. It's the time of love and brotherhood and peace. Let's carry that over to ourselves. Love and peace friends. Merry Christmas.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Shortest blog ever
I refuse to let the opinions and gossip of people I do not respect affect the way I behave or feel about myself. Repeat.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Sappy season?
I must begin with a disclaimer. This post will not be particularly well written, nor will it come with am amazing insight. I am simply struggling with an issue in my brain that I cannot figure out and needed to get it out to hopefully gain some clarity.
I thought sitting quietly reading would help yet I can't shut off my brain. My husband took the kids out on some errands to give me a moment of quiet so I figured I misght as well take advantage and ramble online.
I ALWAYS get sappy and emo at Christmas time. I always want to mend fences and make wrongs right and love everyone (not in a slutty way though). I am totally aware of this. I have been known to talk to exes on Christmas and send best wishes. This whole seasonal emotionality combined with my attempts to be more responsible for my actions, forgive, move on, etc all the stuff I am working on this year is making me a total disaster.
Plus I think my uterus is about to explode, so I am seriously having issues holding it all together.
I have had two opportunities in the last few weeks to spend time socially with two people who used to be extremely important to me. Both friendships ended badly years ago and I admit that I still carry hurt and scars from it. I really thought I would never see these people again... or that they would never speak to me if we did. I get my feelings hurt fairly easily and feel very rejected and tossed aside and just generally hurt. I feel like I did when I got dumped in high school- that raw wound feeling.
My first response says Fuck them. Walk away. Why put yourself out there again? WTF is wrong with you???
My second response is to be kind. We are people doing the best we can, and holding a grudge will just exhaust me anyways.
My last response (and that of my 12 stepping husband who has more insights these days than I would sometimes like) is to apologize. For my part, whatever that may be.
The hubs said to me today that taking responsibility for your own actions doesn't make you weak or vulnerable. It makes you able to live with the fact that you have done all you can to help the situation. Without expecting an apology back... simply taking your own actions.
Yeah. The Beard said that. I tear up as I type it out.... why? Other than the fact that he is right and that still sometimes pisses me off. So I sit here eating cookies I don't want, looking for an answer and feeling incapable of logical thought.
THEN in the midst of all this and all the holiday busy/ lovlieness, I get BLASTED on FB for posting a video that I thought was hilarious. Harmless and hilarious. I'd post it here but I'm fucking scared of what sort of backlash would result. I refuse to engage in the fb drama anymore so all I will say here is that NOTHING I post is malicious or intended to affect anyone's livelihood. Like my Elf on a Shelf rant- I am not attacking anyone who has one but I think they're creepy. So what?!?!? Who cares what I think??? . I rarely think of specific people when I post something and I would not post a passive shot through a video. Maybe 2 years ago I would have, but I am not that passive girl anymore. I cannot believe how ready to fight and battle people in general are. We assume everyone is out to get us- driving, at the store, in a line, on fb. Every shoulder check is a glare and every fb status is a personal shot. Are we really so self involved that we think that everything is about us? It blows my mind. What if we approached life and people as having the best intentions? What if we DID have the best intentions? That's fucking Christmas spirit right there people. Having the best goddam intentions all the time. I NEED to be comfortable with that. My intentions were good, so each personal perception is NOT my issue- it's theirs.
I am thankful for some wise friends in my life this weekend who reminded me of that, including the Beard. He's pretty insightful for a redneck ass.
I thought sitting quietly reading would help yet I can't shut off my brain. My husband took the kids out on some errands to give me a moment of quiet so I figured I misght as well take advantage and ramble online.
I ALWAYS get sappy and emo at Christmas time. I always want to mend fences and make wrongs right and love everyone (not in a slutty way though). I am totally aware of this. I have been known to talk to exes on Christmas and send best wishes. This whole seasonal emotionality combined with my attempts to be more responsible for my actions, forgive, move on, etc all the stuff I am working on this year is making me a total disaster.
Plus I think my uterus is about to explode, so I am seriously having issues holding it all together.
I have had two opportunities in the last few weeks to spend time socially with two people who used to be extremely important to me. Both friendships ended badly years ago and I admit that I still carry hurt and scars from it. I really thought I would never see these people again... or that they would never speak to me if we did. I get my feelings hurt fairly easily and feel very rejected and tossed aside and just generally hurt. I feel like I did when I got dumped in high school- that raw wound feeling.
My first response says Fuck them. Walk away. Why put yourself out there again? WTF is wrong with you???
My second response is to be kind. We are people doing the best we can, and holding a grudge will just exhaust me anyways.
My last response (and that of my 12 stepping husband who has more insights these days than I would sometimes like) is to apologize. For my part, whatever that may be.
The hubs said to me today that taking responsibility for your own actions doesn't make you weak or vulnerable. It makes you able to live with the fact that you have done all you can to help the situation. Without expecting an apology back... simply taking your own actions.
Yeah. The Beard said that. I tear up as I type it out.... why? Other than the fact that he is right and that still sometimes pisses me off. So I sit here eating cookies I don't want, looking for an answer and feeling incapable of logical thought.
THEN in the midst of all this and all the holiday busy/ lovlieness, I get BLASTED on FB for posting a video that I thought was hilarious. Harmless and hilarious. I'd post it here but I'm fucking scared of what sort of backlash would result. I refuse to engage in the fb drama anymore so all I will say here is that NOTHING I post is malicious or intended to affect anyone's livelihood. Like my Elf on a Shelf rant- I am not attacking anyone who has one but I think they're creepy. So what?!?!? Who cares what I think??? . I rarely think of specific people when I post something and I would not post a passive shot through a video. Maybe 2 years ago I would have, but I am not that passive girl anymore. I cannot believe how ready to fight and battle people in general are. We assume everyone is out to get us- driving, at the store, in a line, on fb. Every shoulder check is a glare and every fb status is a personal shot. Are we really so self involved that we think that everything is about us? It blows my mind. What if we approached life and people as having the best intentions? What if we DID have the best intentions? That's fucking Christmas spirit right there people. Having the best goddam intentions all the time. I NEED to be comfortable with that. My intentions were good, so each personal perception is NOT my issue- it's theirs.
I am thankful for some wise friends in my life this weekend who reminded me of that, including the Beard. He's pretty insightful for a redneck ass.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Gratitude
I am not a person to whom gratitude comes easily. I am a bit of a spoiled brat. I have high expectations of people and events and have been consistently disappointed when things don't happen as I hope they would. It is my own issue, I recognize and one I am working on.
However... this past year I have been growing in my gratitude. I felt this was a good topic to explore today with the whole holiday season deal going on. Also notice I use the word greatful not blessed.
I am randomly hit with these huge feelings of gratefulness. They are pretty random- today was driving away from the grocery store to pick up my kids. All at once I felt so grateful for my warm vehicle (mostly seat warmer really- if you haven't had a toasty ass seat warmer you are truly missing out), for my bootcampers in class today, for the groceries I just bought without freaking out if I had enough money to pay for them.... for the day with my children that stretched out in front of me. I honestly wanted to cry at how much I love my life and feel so grateful to have it. If you know me IRL, you are probably wondering wtf... is this Cara? Are you bleeding from the uterus?
Yeah I don't mention it to many people because I am not one of those Hallmark card people. I do hope I am somewhat inspiring or encouraging as I would suck balls at my job if I wasn't, but I am certainly not a soft squishy hug the world kind of person.
Anyways, my gratitude. I remember years ago trying to do a gratitude journal. Oprah said we should, so I did. Sometimes it's nice to not have to think for yourself. I remember STRUGGLING with it. My life was so far from what I wanted how the shit was I supposed to ooze all this positivity?
My husband and I had a discussion about it last week. I thought it would fade after the tough months earlier this year. I thought these fuzzy wonderful feelings would leave and I would start to take all my shit for granted again- and don't get me wrong there are spoiled asshole days. There are days where I stomp my feet and want to run away from my children and wonder how easy life would be to start over with someone else..... Everyone has those days, and if they say they don't they are clearly selling something.
We talked about intentional gratitude. Fake it till you make it. My husband is one of those people for sure- he is very intentional about it. He has to be. It doesn't make it any less meaningful- it actually makes it worth more when it comes. To use a fitness analogy (because I always freaking do lol), I respect the client who has to work their balls off to lose a few lbs, to lift a bit more, to run a bit further MORE than the client who is a natural athlete. I respect people who do things they initially suck at.
So today I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude in the car. Then came home, made cookies that went flat and my big little woke up my little little because he can't shhhhhh for an hour and GD WalMart photo centre wouldn't upload my GD family pics for Christmas cards and I wanted to pull my hairs out. Then I looked at both my littles coloring (on the GD kitchen table not the coloring books but whatever) and it all came back. Life is pretty effing great.
*Footnote- don't tell my husband I ordered photos from WalMart. I don't want to hear the rant about evil corporations today- I just want to hold onto my good vibes a little longer ;)
However... this past year I have been growing in my gratitude. I felt this was a good topic to explore today with the whole holiday season deal going on. Also notice I use the word greatful not blessed.
I am randomly hit with these huge feelings of gratefulness. They are pretty random- today was driving away from the grocery store to pick up my kids. All at once I felt so grateful for my warm vehicle (mostly seat warmer really- if you haven't had a toasty ass seat warmer you are truly missing out), for my bootcampers in class today, for the groceries I just bought without freaking out if I had enough money to pay for them.... for the day with my children that stretched out in front of me. I honestly wanted to cry at how much I love my life and feel so grateful to have it. If you know me IRL, you are probably wondering wtf... is this Cara? Are you bleeding from the uterus?
Yeah I don't mention it to many people because I am not one of those Hallmark card people. I do hope I am somewhat inspiring or encouraging as I would suck balls at my job if I wasn't, but I am certainly not a soft squishy hug the world kind of person.
Anyways, my gratitude. I remember years ago trying to do a gratitude journal. Oprah said we should, so I did. Sometimes it's nice to not have to think for yourself. I remember STRUGGLING with it. My life was so far from what I wanted how the shit was I supposed to ooze all this positivity?
My husband and I had a discussion about it last week. I thought it would fade after the tough months earlier this year. I thought these fuzzy wonderful feelings would leave and I would start to take all my shit for granted again- and don't get me wrong there are spoiled asshole days. There are days where I stomp my feet and want to run away from my children and wonder how easy life would be to start over with someone else..... Everyone has those days, and if they say they don't they are clearly selling something.
We talked about intentional gratitude. Fake it till you make it. My husband is one of those people for sure- he is very intentional about it. He has to be. It doesn't make it any less meaningful- it actually makes it worth more when it comes. To use a fitness analogy (because I always freaking do lol), I respect the client who has to work their balls off to lose a few lbs, to lift a bit more, to run a bit further MORE than the client who is a natural athlete. I respect people who do things they initially suck at.
So today I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude in the car. Then came home, made cookies that went flat and my big little woke up my little little because he can't shhhhhh for an hour and GD WalMart photo centre wouldn't upload my GD family pics for Christmas cards and I wanted to pull my hairs out. Then I looked at both my littles coloring (on the GD kitchen table not the coloring books but whatever) and it all came back. Life is pretty effing great.
*Footnote- don't tell my husband I ordered photos from WalMart. I don't want to hear the rant about evil corporations today- I just want to hold onto my good vibes a little longer ;)
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