Sometimes I miss my babies with an all consuming rush. Today it was in the Toronto airport.
I’m usually pretty good at shoving it down. That’s one of the reasons I travel when I can. I also say yes to things I used to say no to... I lived in a box for too long. Now I say yes.
I spent an awesome 5 days in Chicago with family. It’ was an amazing trip full of sights and food and fun. There were many many times I missed the kids but I shoved it deep down like I always do. For some reason, in the airport on the way home I had to swallow it back.
Family trips when we were 4 were never good. They were often really awful. My ex hates travel, we never could afford it, the kids would fight etc but now I want them to see everything. See that there is a great big world outside of their little suburban bubble. I want to see it too.
As always, I hate that I traded half their lives for our freedom. I hate that I miss so much. I have to turn it around into a positive thing if I’m to survive the next 10+ years but I don’t know how to do that yet.
So I take trips. I distract. I’m sure there are many who think I go out and drink and party and take trips bc I’m a shitty mom. Because I’m living like I’m single again and being irresponsible. I’ve blogged about this before... I don’t mind being alone. I love it sometimes. I love to read and think and have downtime.
But the 7 day stretches they are gone are deafening in their silence. I take trips to distract. To experience the life I never have... but there are lots of times in the midst of these amazing times that I would trade it all for more quiet time at home with them.
