I hope from reading the title, you have an old Nickleback song stuck in your head now too.
I post zillions of pictures. It's a running joke with some of my friends and I am sure many more have the same opinion without verbalizing it. I am aware I post many, many pictures.
Maybe I don't need to post them all. Maybe I could keep them to myself in my phone and not publically announce all things. Maybe. Maybe others opinons don't freaking matter to me and I'll post whatever I want.
I don't post pictures to point out how lonely anyone else's life is. I don't post pictures to make my life look shiny and flawless. I think I have been pretty open about my many struggles. I don't post pictures to make anyone feel excluded. I certainly don't post pictures as a passive aggressive way of reminding people that they weren't invited so STOP. Read the 4 Agreements. Nothing I do is because of ANY of you.
I post pictures because I have a very terrible and very selective memory. I post pictures because I forget. When my babies were born I thought I would remember every first. Every first word, step, tooth lost, hilarious sentence, hug, birthday. Truth is, I remember very few moments.
When I am low, you'd think I would remember the amazing friendship and family supports I have. I don't. I feel completely and utterly alone.
I love Facebook memories. I love when pictures of my littles come up and I see all the stuff we've done. Some of it hurts like hell because they will never be little again and we will never be the same family of 4 again. Painful or not, they are an important part of my life and their lives. I love showing the kids the old pictures and talking about the memories both good and bad. The pictures remind me that even though I traded half their time for all of our sanity, I am still their mom. I am still the one who rocked them all night; I am the one who planned birthdays and holidays; I am the one who was always, always there. I feel far away from them sometimes, and it brings me back.
I love looking through old albums and remembering. It grounds me and reminds me of all I have, not just of all I have lost. I love looking at hilarious nights with friends. It makes me motivated to plan new ones, especially when I feel like hiding in my bed with the blankets pulled over my head.
We all need those down times... I call it "turtling". I pull away from everyone and hide in my shell. I think it's essential for my grief process. I also know if it lasts too long, I am harder to pull back.
I almost hate this blog. I partly feel like I am whining and justifying and giving attention to the immature, gossipy bullshit that follows everyone. I hate justifying. It is my automatic response when someone has an opinion about me. It is my automatic need to have everyone understand and like all my decisions. It is a part of me I am consciously trying to change but struggle to do so. Regardless, I will post it because it's what I do (insert my favorite shrug emoji here).
I have reflected on my own response to what friends post. So what if someone posts a bunch of selfies? I don't need to have an opinion. So what is someone posts 85 pictures of their dog (please do btw. I miss having one). I don't need to have an opinon about other people. I can unfollow. Delete. Move on. Or just realize it's all their choice and has NOTHING to do with me.
