Jesus

I don't hate Jesus. There seems to be a prevailing belief amongst the more devout people I know that I do dislike him immensely. Or God or religion in general. That is not the case.
I admire people who can fully devote themselves to anything. I also admire belief in something of which there is zero tangible evidence.... I also wonder at some of them.

I am not sure about Jesus. Leaning towards disbelief. Yet when the shit hits the fan, I pray. Sure I do. I don't like that about myself. My logical everyday brain questions it all but when I am skidding across the ice on a winter day into oncoming traffic, I pray my babies will be safe. Wtf.

I grew up in a house that went to church on Sunday and prayed before meals. I remember my first boyfriends father asking me why I beleived. I didn't have an answer. That was the first time in my life I felt really, really stupid because I had no answer. I had never met an athiest and had never considered WHY. I believed because my parents did. I believed because I was supposed to.

I stopped going to church after that. I got married in a Catholic church the second time becuase my husband wanted to and I didn't care. Just one more thing I've done to make other people happy. I wanted an easy, laid back beach wedding. I got a wedding bigger than my first one.... but we do things for other people all the time. It's what he wanted so whatever. It is what it is. The irony lies in the fact that my husband is now the biggest athiest you will ever meet. And one of the loudest- which is how he is with everything. Most people go to rehab and find God- he went and lost him.

My issue with religion doesn't lie in the ideals. I think anything that makes people be kinder to each other is good. I know many wars have been fought in the name of beiefs- I mean everyday type kindess. Forgiveness and all that. My issue lies in the elitism that seems to come with the very religious. The snooty "club" of church and the inability to associate with others. Like hey you haven't drank the Kool aid so you aren't good enough to hang out with.
I swear a lot in real life. It's part of my charm lol. I don't go around killing puppies or punching people in the face, so I think I am a pretty good person. I try to practice being a better person every day. Does this not fall in line with the super religious? Or do they just prefer to hang with thier own kind? I don't get it. I'd love to have a conversation with a Muslim and a Catholic and a yogi. That sounds like the start of a joke doesn't it? Except only the Catholic would walk into a bar, then talk about the the rest of the drinkers. Just kidding- I am basing that assumption on the few that I know. But it fits. The shiny-ness of the new type churches freaks me out. What are they trying to hide with the disco balls and flashing lights and rock bands? Why is there so much flash to draw people in? I am jaded I get that- but I always wonder what they are hiding.

I find the common threads of religions fascinating. Surrendering to higher power- giving it to God- releasing the issues we cannot control. I love that. My sister in law once said "the Lord helps those who helps themselves" in response to my Father in law saying "The Good Lord provides". I agree with her. I work for things. I make shit happen. I don't believe in passively waiting for someone to save you- God, Allah or Prince Charming. Save your damn self. Don't pray for money to fall into your lap, or for the answer to your problem- go out and make money. Get a goddamn job and stop having kids you can't afford.

I understand that when someone says "I'll pray for you", mostly they mean it from a good place. A place of caring and compassion. Still, some part of me wants to tell them to fuck off. Irrational I know.
But don't pray for me. Offer solid assistance if you truly care about my well being- listen to me. Give me a hug.
Go to church- love God. Or don't. I really don't care. But don't exclude everyone else becuase you think you are better. It's just like people who eat Paleo. You aren't better. Stop the need to always be better than everyone. Be better than you were yesterday. It's not about anyone else, or anyone else beliefs. We all hurt, we all bleed, we all love. Just becuase I don't Thank a man in the sky everytime I eat doesn't mean I don't deserve to be heard and loved and considered.