Self Reflection

I am having one of those full- of-gratitude- days. I got to go for a walk/ bike ride with the littlest and the dog today, after dropping off the biggest at school. I got to go the market and chat with some great ladies I know, in my great town, and then go buy planters for my lovely house. No rushing, no stressing. Just a chill day with my girl, doing menial things. This is my perfect day.
While messing around with said planters in the front yard, I chatted with our neighbor. She mentioned that their 25 year wedding anniversary was this year. I am in awe of people who can stand another human being for that long. My in laws are at 48 years this year. 40freaking8 years. We are at 6. A measly 6, and some days I cannot comprehend even one more. I first congratulated her and said what an amazing thing I thought it was, then asked her how.
She said the normal stuff that I still need a reminder of like, "it's a choice you make everyday" which of course is a solid point. Then she said every time she wishes she had a weapon to end him with (hahaha of course everyone ever in a relationship can identify with that), she said she stops and asks herself "Am I such a bargain?" and lists in her head all the things she may have done wrong that week that could make him feel the same way about her.
I will never forget that.
I've been divorced. I left. I filed. I was fucking OUT. It was HIS fault. HE did this to me. HE did that to me. It took much time before I actually thought about what I may have done. Honestly, it didn't happen until the Beard and I started to have issues. It finally occurred to me (I am embarrassed that it took so long) that I contributed to the negativity too. I do wrong. I fuck up and act like a silent, stubborn bitch. I have the mouth of a sailor and I am pretty good at saying awful things. The list could go on, but it is in the past.
Regardless of what anyone else has done, I have no control of that. I only have control over my behavior.

I have many divorced or divorcing friends. It seems to be the age. I have very few who have mentioned mistakes they have made, and how they will address them in the future. I have many who freely mention what the ex has done... it's easier. I get it. It's easier to look at others failings and it hurts to look at our own. Shining a light on our shortcomings may lead to discomfort, and God knows we will go to incredible lengths to avoid any of that. Bringing our issues to the consciousness may mean we actually have to DO something about it, and shit that sounds hard.
The Beard is certainly not perfect, but he is good at self evaluation. There are ways I feel he makes me a more skeptical, negative person (we become what we spend time with, although I do need to take responsibility for it myself), but he does encourage reflection in me too. I am still a silent, stubborn bitch who thinks most of everything is his fault, but I am getting better. It sucks, but it's growth. I've also found it actually doesn't physically hurt or make me less to apologize and take ownership of ones behaviour. It took almost 37 years to figure that one out....
Enjoy your weekend. Take a minute to think about how you could be better, kinder, more loving. Less anger, more compassion.
<3 Much love.