40. I get age is nothing but a number and 40 is the new 20 and it's as old as you feel and all that other bullshit people say when you express how shocked you are that you're acutally an adult age.
40. This is not where I thought I would be at 40. I have a great life. I know. I actually don't think 40 will be as brutal as 39 was (knock on wood), so I am ok with it.
For some reason, the 9s are more challenging for me. At 19, at 29 and at 39 I made some major life changes. It's like the impending decade birthday wakes me the hell up and do some painful things before it's too late. That said, I hope my 40th year is much quieter and more calm than the 39th. My soul is tired.
I’ve learned many lessons in my many years. Some took a long ass time to wrap my slow brain around; some very painfully fast.
The most important lesson I have learned this year is that I don’t know shit. I don’t know anything about anything. I certainly have a lot of opinions but I certainly have much to learn.
I have met many people who have helped me learn these lessons. While I love some of them very much our time was short.
Random list of realizations and lessons from my many, many years:
-I will put cream in my coffee. For many years I convinced myself I liked it black. I don’t. I like consuming less calories so I brainwashed myself. I will now always put cream in my coffee and eat a small bit of really good chocolate every single day. Not waxy chocolate, but really good dark stuff that I eat in actual bites instead of shoving the whole thing in my mouth.
-To respond emotionally gives your power away. I know I didn't say that first- Bruce Lee maybe? No response is a powerful one and so is taking time to formulate a logical response. This lesson has transformed many relationships for me and for that I will always be grateful. "Logic" and "reason" don't come naturally to me in times of emotion (which, lets face it, for me is pretty much ALL the time), so this is a big one. When I respond without thought it tends to become very explosive and I regret it in the long run. I have destroyed relationships in the past because of my responses. Even if I just pause to take a breath... it changes everything.
-Not everyone you love is meant to stay. It doesn’t minimize the level of care or the impact on your life but sometimes it just isn’t the right time. Or the right circumstances. Or there are too many obstacles. Or the person you thought you loved simply doesn't exist anywhere but in your mind. There is grace in letting go. There is relief in releasing a chokehold on a love that you cannot force.
- I will say no. It might take me some time to realize (as my default is to agree and do what makes other people happy), but I will say no. No to going out, no to adding things to my plate, no to making everything from scratch, no to my children if I need to, no to everyone. I will draw boundaries and they may result in some broken relationships. For too many years, I said yes and I broke under the weight of those expectations and agreements.
-Expanded from above- I will say no to my children. This is a big one for me. If I have reached my limit of physical touch, I will reassure them and then peel them off me. I will sacrifice many things for them but not myself. This is a constant balancing act and probably my hardest goal. I will make sure their needs are met but they need to realize that I am also a person with needs. That means sometimes Mommy needs to go to the gym and sometimes Mommy needs a time out. I cannot pour from an empty cup- but that said I will firstly make sure their needs are met. Their behaviour is a direct correlation of how well I am meeting those needs.
- I will honour what serves me. I realize that my general attitude in the morning isn’t great if I am rushed, so I will get up an hour earlier to drink coffee, stretch and organize my brain AND not talk to anyone. I will schedule exercise into my day because I become an anxious mess without it (and I’m 40 now so it requires more work to keep things where I want them to be). I will not sacrifice self care for busyness. This is easier when I do the above ^ and say no when my plate is full. This is easier when I plan and prepare meals and make lunches in advance and do what I know I need to do rather than sitting binge watching Netflix.
-I will sit and binge watch Netflix. In the summer I started to schedule lazy days. I realize this sounds insane. Yep I am such a Type A planner I need to schedule my laziness. It takes work for me to do
NOTHING. I started to pick every second Sunday when my kids were at their dads (in preparation for NFL season to start) and planned to do nothing. For me, a lazy day means a long workout, a starbucks run, and a cheeseburger in bed.
-I will not let events change who I am, no matter how painful. I will not allow hurts to make me hard. I am someone who loves a lot and won't change that to avoid pain. Yes it might hurt like a bitch, but it won't break me. I have also learned that. The reward is greater than the risk, and I will ALWAYS take the risk. I will love first, I will love most and I will love greatest and I won't pretend I don't. This goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones.
-I will cherish my people. It took me a long time to find my people. I neglected them for a long time too.. but because they are my people, they understood and stuck around. No matter what happens, I will protect my fierce lady friendships. I value relationships more than anything else in my life and will prioritize them before anything else (I count my relationship with my children there before you freak out and think I am neglecting them to drink wine with my lady friends. Not what I meant at all). We have a First Wives Club that has an agreement to be there. That's it. We drunkenly agreed to BE THERE no matter what. I will drop anything, except my kids, to be there. As they have for me. It takes a big man to understand this.
That's it. That's enough.
Happy 40th to me. Maybe I have 40 more... maybe not. I won't spend the remaining years waiting, or wondering, or regretting.
Random list of realizations and lessons from my many, many years:
-I will put cream in my coffee. For many years I convinced myself I liked it black. I don’t. I like consuming less calories so I brainwashed myself. I will now always put cream in my coffee and eat a small bit of really good chocolate every single day. Not waxy chocolate, but really good dark stuff that I eat in actual bites instead of shoving the whole thing in my mouth.
-To respond emotionally gives your power away. I know I didn't say that first- Bruce Lee maybe? No response is a powerful one and so is taking time to formulate a logical response. This lesson has transformed many relationships for me and for that I will always be grateful. "Logic" and "reason" don't come naturally to me in times of emotion (which, lets face it, for me is pretty much ALL the time), so this is a big one. When I respond without thought it tends to become very explosive and I regret it in the long run. I have destroyed relationships in the past because of my responses. Even if I just pause to take a breath... it changes everything.
-Not everyone you love is meant to stay. It doesn’t minimize the level of care or the impact on your life but sometimes it just isn’t the right time. Or the right circumstances. Or there are too many obstacles. Or the person you thought you loved simply doesn't exist anywhere but in your mind. There is grace in letting go. There is relief in releasing a chokehold on a love that you cannot force.
- I will say no. It might take me some time to realize (as my default is to agree and do what makes other people happy), but I will say no. No to going out, no to adding things to my plate, no to making everything from scratch, no to my children if I need to, no to everyone. I will draw boundaries and they may result in some broken relationships. For too many years, I said yes and I broke under the weight of those expectations and agreements.
-Expanded from above- I will say no to my children. This is a big one for me. If I have reached my limit of physical touch, I will reassure them and then peel them off me. I will sacrifice many things for them but not myself. This is a constant balancing act and probably my hardest goal. I will make sure their needs are met but they need to realize that I am also a person with needs. That means sometimes Mommy needs to go to the gym and sometimes Mommy needs a time out. I cannot pour from an empty cup- but that said I will firstly make sure their needs are met. Their behaviour is a direct correlation of how well I am meeting those needs.
- I will honour what serves me. I realize that my general attitude in the morning isn’t great if I am rushed, so I will get up an hour earlier to drink coffee, stretch and organize my brain AND not talk to anyone. I will schedule exercise into my day because I become an anxious mess without it (and I’m 40 now so it requires more work to keep things where I want them to be). I will not sacrifice self care for busyness. This is easier when I do the above ^ and say no when my plate is full. This is easier when I plan and prepare meals and make lunches in advance and do what I know I need to do rather than sitting binge watching Netflix.
-I will sit and binge watch Netflix. In the summer I started to schedule lazy days. I realize this sounds insane. Yep I am such a Type A planner I need to schedule my laziness. It takes work for me to do
NOTHING. I started to pick every second Sunday when my kids were at their dads (in preparation for NFL season to start) and planned to do nothing. For me, a lazy day means a long workout, a starbucks run, and a cheeseburger in bed.
-I will not let events change who I am, no matter how painful. I will not allow hurts to make me hard. I am someone who loves a lot and won't change that to avoid pain. Yes it might hurt like a bitch, but it won't break me. I have also learned that. The reward is greater than the risk, and I will ALWAYS take the risk. I will love first, I will love most and I will love greatest and I won't pretend I don't. This goes for all relationships, not just romantic ones.
-I will cherish my people. It took me a long time to find my people. I neglected them for a long time too.. but because they are my people, they understood and stuck around. No matter what happens, I will protect my fierce lady friendships. I value relationships more than anything else in my life and will prioritize them before anything else (I count my relationship with my children there before you freak out and think I am neglecting them to drink wine with my lady friends. Not what I meant at all). We have a First Wives Club that has an agreement to be there. That's it. We drunkenly agreed to BE THERE no matter what. I will drop anything, except my kids, to be there. As they have for me. It takes a big man to understand this.
That's it. That's enough.
Happy 40th to me. Maybe I have 40 more... maybe not. I won't spend the remaining years waiting, or wondering, or regretting.
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