Spring Breaking

My babies and I went to the mountains with friends for spring break. My babies have been having a hard time. Just when things started to level out, there was a change. Another change for their little brains to adapt to. More loss. More sadness.
I am proud that my babies fall apart with me. I am happy that when I say “you know you’re the most important things in my life, right?” That they reply with an exasperated “yes mom. We know!”  They know I love them. They know in their bones that I would do anything for them. So they can fall apart with me. They trust me to take care of them, and know I will love them no matter what.

But I am exhausted. I am not prefect by any stretch. I yell. I cry. I guilt. I have expectations that aren’t fair... but I try my hardest to be calm in the midst of their storm. When my son is punching himself and screaming, I try to remember that I need to be solid. I can cry after- and I always do. During the screaming or crying or raging, they don’t need me to fall apart too. They need me to be port in the storm. And it’s hard.

This week we had so much fun. We hiked and stared at mountains. We talked about how small we are and how we needed to keep going when things got hard and how just because we love something, doesn’t mean we should stay. We swam and laughed and ate and made tons of memories. My son took it upon himself to be extra kind to a younger kid and took extra responsibility without being asked. He also tormented his sister and screamed at me. My baby girl looked at me with tears in her eyes and asked me questions beyond her 7 years. We snuggled and talked about what the future would look like for our family. There were light times and there were heavy times.

I am exhausted. Dealing with huge emotions from small people is truly draining. I would have it no other way, but I am spent. I am grateful for the time with them. I am full of love and gratitude to have the days off to focus on them. I am happy that my house is a mess and I am out of money because we did so much and didn’t waste time on housework. My phone is full of pictures I will treasure and my Brain is full of happy memories.
Still, I am spent. I need a break from spring break.
I try to be very proactive with my self care. Exercise, eat well, wine mostly in moderation. Good support network, lots of hugs. Sometimes though, that doesn’t cut it. I have learned throughout the years that sometimes I need to totally withdraw. Run alone. Sit alone. Read. Write. With no demands, no one else’s timeline or demands or expectations. Sometimes it takes 2 hours and sometimes it take 2 days. Find out what it takes for you. Maybe it’s lots of people, maybe not. Either way, do it. Before you fall apart, not after