Square Pegs

I am a late bloomer. I’m sure I’ve blogged about this before- I take longer than the norm to figure things out. 

I think the worst part is how long it took to figure myself out. I’m sure many people know who they are much younger. They know what they want, who they want, who they want to be and where they want to go with it. 

I’ve been all over the place with this. I spent many years trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. I spent many years trying to shove myself into a box. When I got tired of shoving, I’d make major life changes in the hopes that would fit better. I’d finally wake up in my life and think how the fuck did I get here?

My choices got me there. Each and every time. Choices that little by little, wore down who I was. I made those concessions. I made those choices that took me to a place that wasn’t authentic. I blame no one but me. I don’t hate blame myself either. I did the best I could at the time. I did what I could with what I knew. 

I do look back at some years with regret- after 41 years I know how fast it goes, and it wish I spent more years in joy rather than in angst. I can’t regret too much as my choices brought me to where I am- bumped and bruised as I may be. 

I spent years trying to make myself smaller to make other feel larger. I spent years quiet when I should have been screaming. I spent years screaming when I should have been quiet. 

I lost everything that mattered to me. I gained everything I ever wanted. Nothing stays the same. 

All from my own choices. Maybe it’s because I’m in my 40s now. Maybe it’s because I know what it’s like to lose almost everything. Maybe it’s because I finally accept that I’m a square peg, not a round one, and I will be the most authentic fucking square you’ve ever seen. 

Either way, I’m committed to never having that lump in my throat again- the one that comes when you don’t speak your truth. I won’t be quiet when I want to be loud. I won’t be loud when I want to be quiet. I won’t be what others expect me to be. 

I will probably fuck it all up again. I will make mistakes but I will forgive myself more easily as well. At least they’ll be mine.