Vacation Crazy

We are going on a family beach vacation in 7 days.
I am kid-like excited. I haven't had a beach holiday in 2 years and Dear husband, camping with the kids to the local lake does NOT count.

Normally before a vacation I would diet. A LOT. I would do drastic things like cut out carbs and drink dandelion tea and eat pounds of asparagus everyday. I would add in killer amounts of cardio. I have even taken fat burners and ephedrine among other things. Shocking I know.

This was normal for me for years. I get it's disordered and I get its not normal by any stretch. I can't even speak of the fucked up stuff I did before my first beach holiday with my ex. It boggles my mind now.

I haven't done any of those things this time, but with a week left, I am starting to panic a little. I always eat asparagus because I love it but I found myself adding more of it and less of the rice into my meal today. Without consciously doing it. This shit goes deep my friends.

I find myself planning extra workouts in my head. Hmmm if I change this around then I can do an extra boxing session and that will eliminate a rest day.... The fucked up thing is I need my rest days. I go 7 days a week and I don't walk- and not in that awesome I -killed-my-legs-way. The bad My-lumbar-spine-is-totally-fucked-with-arthritis way.

Logical me knows not a ton can change in a week. I could drop water sure. Short of starting an illegal burner or surgery, I am not going to lose much in a week. I still panic. I have spent so many years trying to deal with that crazy, yet she remains. Quieter, and more easily shoved down but remains nonetheless.

I recognize my issue. I make attempts to be better. I will train my ass off this week, because I do every week. I will stay on my plan, including all carbohydrates as they are needed for my body to fuel my kickass workouts and recovery. I will rest as needed, as I will require 100% of my brain and body function to deal with my kids on a plane for 5 hours..... and patience. I will need oh so much of that- and we all know how bitchy I get with no carbs and too much cardio.
I'm not saying I am against cutting a bit before an event- a photo shoot (not that I will ever do one again lol but I get it); a wedding etc. For ME, it's not a good pattern. It's a family holiday. I will be wearing a bikini for 7 solid days probably, but at some point I need to accept that I work hard, I look decent and I am enough.

Without bringing back the crazy ;)

Diets and littles.

Today my 5 year old asked me what a diet is. In a normal household, this may be a normal conversation. In my house it's a shoving-the-anxiety-down-learning-opportunity. I try not to show any emotional response. I try not to panic. I try not to show my children that I take this incredibly seriously and fear that food will take over thier lives as it did mine.

Big breaths girl. Calm the hell down. It's just a question. As expected, after my long explanation he (like a typical 5 year old goldfish attention span) said he wanted more banana and pb and then we talked about what Spiderman might eat for breakfast.

In my house, I try to promote balance. We have treats. They also have unlimited fruit and veggies. Granted the veggies aren't as popular, but who can blame them? My explanation of what a diet was included talking about food restriction, losing weight and how we can make better choices to fuel our bodies. I use that a lot. Making choices that make us stronger, and run faster while some choices make us tired and slow. Sometimes foods vs all the time foods.

|I emphasize choice. Of course my kids are 5 and 3 so their choices are largely limited to what I choose to have in the house (and thier cheezie-obsessed father but that's another battle for another day).  At some point, they will go out on their own and have to make their own choices. All I can do is set them up and hope that they do, most of the time.

With clients I also stress choices. YOU make the choice. Not me. Not your kids or husband or friends. YOU. You choose to have a cheat meal- then you choose to accept the consequences. You choose to eat off plan consistently, then you choose behaviour that takes you further from your goals not closer too. It's all a choice. I remember someone tellling me when I was dieting for a show that no one made me choose this. I chose it. So stop acting like I'm a vicitm. Stop acting like I CAN'T have food. I can. I can have whatever the hell I want, but I choose not to. I choose to live in balance. I choose to fuel my body and be authentic- moving towards my goals of being stronger, being faster and being BETTER. If that comes with getting leaner, cool.

Choose the best today. For you and for your family.

Lists

I have realized I love lists. Not writing them- I knew that years ago. I love making lists- it makes me feel like I have a handle on my crazy life if I write down all the things I have to do. I usually have one broken into days that week, then a work specific one beside the computer, then of course my big fridge calendar and my phone calendar that syncs to the Beard's phone. Lists errrywhere. 
This time I mean the lists all over FB and Huffington Post and random blogs.
5 ways to love your body. 10 reasons to get divorced.  10 reasons to stay married. 7 mistakes we make trying to get lean. 8 ways to love your child better. 12 things you are screwing up your child with.

Those lists. The ones that break life's biggest issues into small, manageable bites for me to chew on. Oh my marriage can be perfect in 6 easy steps? Thank God. I thought I may have to devote some serious time to it over a number of years.
They're everywhere.  I usually open a tab on my browser and save them to read later. Sometimes later is that day, sometimes it's days. Sometimes I realize I have 20 browser windows open on my phone and 18 of them are numbered lists lol. I just checked and I only have 4. Must be a slow day because of the Grammy Coverage. I am waiting for the list of 8 reasons Kayne is the biggest DB in music.

Fake-ness and Social Media

Is Fake-ness a word even? Meh it is now.
I could talk about the fake tits on social media, or the fake booty made by the exaggerated back arch, but that isn't what I mean with this post.
I mean the fake friends.

I get really annoyed over the false intimacy. Oh you saw the pics of my kids bday so you think you're being a good aunt/ uncle/ godparent/ cousin/ friend/ relative in general.... wait does my kid know who the hell you are even? Not likely. The ones they do are in the goddamn pictures with them.

Oh I read your statuses so I totally know what is happening in your life.
No, you know what I choose to share. The people who really care about me actually have conversations with me. They ASK how I am. They look underneath.

What I really really dislike is the fake friends. The ones that you cannot stand. The ones that you talk about to your real friends. The "hide" function is a gift to every passive aggressive person out there. Too scared to delete someone you can't stand? They may actually ask you WHY.... better to passively hide them so you can't see the dumb shit they post.

DELETE. Instead of posting inspirational shit on IG, delete them. From FB and from life. Do it. Grab a set.
Call them out on their bullshit. Tell them you think they are a condescending asshole/ chronic oversharer/ ignorant antivaxxer/ too many game invite guy instead of telling everyone else. Be real.

Or don't. Be passive and bitch about how much thier shit pisses you off in real life. WHY is it worth your time?!!??!
An argument could be made for why social media is worth your time at all. I love it. It's not a secret to anyone. I have made strides to limit the time, but yes I love the articles and the pics of kids and all the crap. I don't love how it's shaped our culture.

Inspiration

I'm not inspired by arched-back, ass out bathroom selfies. I'm not inspired by flexing in the gym mirror selfies. I'm really not inspired by mostly naked look-at-me selfies with kids in the background. That makes me want to barf.

I am inspired by the overweight person who walks into the gym, scared as shit,  but even more scared of remaining trapped in a body they don't recognize.

I'm not inspired by the person who posts 800 race pictures and pouts when their 400 not-real-life friends don't comment on every one. I'm not inspired by those looking for constant pats on the back- you're not a dog. You don't need constant reassurance. If you do, you need to work on your outrageous insecurities rather than commenting on what everyone else is doing wrong.

I am inspired by those who get the work done every single day- in the gym and in life- without posting about it. I am inspired by those who share knowledge in a non condescending manner with a true passion for life- rather than a need to be "better than".

I am inspired by those who strive for growth. Those who look for ways to improve themselves in all ways. Life is more than running or squatting or even being a parent. I'm not inspired by those who quote things like "obsession is a word the weak use to describe the dedicated". No obsession is sometimes just that- unhealthy and unbalanced. I am inspired by those who are able to balance work, family, health etc.

Last Parenting blog for a bit I promise

I am sure any non-parent readers are bored as hell, but I gotta get this one out then I'll talk about fitness or swear or rant or something next blog.

My 3 year old is "vaccuuming" as I type this. I am waiting for my Mother of the Year award.
My 5 year old is giving me a commentary from the washroom as he drops a Number 2. I really enjoy these conversations about his poop. This makes me feel warm inside.

Jesus. This is my life.

It's actually pretty awesome- constant poop talk aside.

I had a conversation with some friends a few weeks ago about when I should put my daughter in preschool. It occured to me that she could go this coming Sept and then hit kindy the following year. I almost had a heart attack. I am not ready. My son was a no brainer as his bday is Sept. Hers is Jan so we have more decisions to make. The Beard and I decided it was best to keep her back instead of rush her in. While I yearn for two free mornings a week, I am not ready. And really why are we in such a damn rush to get rid of them??
A friend told me that her kids teacher said she has never said WOW I am so glad this kid started early, but she has said This kid isn't mature enough for kindergarten a whole bunch of times.

A thread came up on a Mom board I am on with some Moms complaining that their kids were so advanced but the age for kindy is 5 by March 1st (how arbitrary is March 1st btw?? that makes no freaking sense to me). A girl I know, who I actually love for her posts and sense of humor and logical thinking and I really would like to hang out with her and drink wine... anyways I digress as usual- so this girl said hey the guidelines are there for a reason and kids are rarely as smart as their parents think they are.
Like these moms really believe they must know better than education professionals. Yeah, sometimes mothers just KNOW. Half the time they are blinded by bias and love for their child and brain dead from too much to do and too little sleep. I know. I am one.

Thank God she said it so I don't have to. Don't get me wrong, I think my kids are amazing. Special, amazing, wonderful etc. Not genuises. Geniuses don't eat their boogers. I'm pretty sure that saying was in a movie, and it's something I am desperate for my kind to stop doing. I VURP every time I see him secretly shove that booger in his mouth. He's getting better. But seriously it's the most fucking vile thing I have to deal with.
I don't believe they will do anything they want. I wanted to be a ballet dancer. I have ZERO coordination and very little grace. Does that mean I suck at everything? Hells no. Does that mean if I put Rudy- type effort into becoming a dancer I could've done it and played for Notre Dame? Wake the fuck up.
I mixed analogies but I honestly don't know the name of any famous dancing place.

I will encourage them like crazy. I will teach them to get up and work hard and if you suck, work harder. I will NOT teach them they can be anything they want. I will encourage them to find what they love and do it, suck or not. My son will very likely not play in the NHL. He loves hockey though, so he will play for as long as he wants. Maybe he will play old man hockey, maybe not. Maybe his love of the game will diminish when he realizes he will not be the next Sydney Crosby. I sure as fuck hope not.

Maybe I am a destroyer of dreams. Maybe I am a cynical bitch and I should teach them to reach for the stars no matter what their dream!! That shit won't work in my house. We are realists. Bills gotta get paid, works gotta get done. That doesn't mean you have to dread the hours at your job. I freaking love my job. Is it my dream job? No. But it's pretty great, and stems from a huge passion of mine. So I am not wasting my life- and I won't let them waste theirs.

Seasons of life....

I promise to have less swear words than usual in this post. The subject just doesn't seem to fit a ranting line of F words.

Driving my kid to school this morning, I was struck by how tired I am. Generally tired. Maybe it just seems that way today as everything is darker and more exhausting when kids are sick and not sleeping at night. Life seems more bleak, carbs look more inviting and my body feels much heavier to carry around all day. Maybe because of the carbs. Lol. Today I felt almost too tired to want to eat shit. That for me is weird.

This is the season of my life. Being tired. Being busy- I hate answering "busy" when someone asks how I am. All the shit on my plate is there because I said yes. ME. No one else. If I am busy, it's because I choose to be. It seems like we tried to cut back the busy-ness but as the kids get bigger it grows. More school stuff, more activities, more demands. More demands on myself to BE something everyday.

I should say "glorious". I should say "My daughter wants no one but me to hold her at night when she is upset. Her little body snuggles right into me and her little chubby arms wrap around and it's amazing". Yes I don't. I think that sometimes, but sometimes I think holy shit kid just lie down before I fall on you.

I say my 5 year old is "willful". I mean hes a pain in the ass. Does that mean that if I had to make Sophie's Choice I'd throw him to the wolves? No of course not. But sometimes I can't beleive how angry I can become at his behaviour. I can't help but think wtf did I do wrong to make this child have zero listening skills? Will it serve him in the future to argue EVERYTHING?? It's probably his dad's fault. Not mine. Clearly his dads. Sometimes I want to smash my face into the wall if I hear fart-fart-poop one more goddamn time.

This season shall pass. I know that. Logically. I know my littles will be bigs soon, and I will desperately miss thier little snuggles and needs. The thought of it brings my tired eyes to tears, but I also just want no one to touch me sometimes. This season of my life is an insane combination of wanting to experience every moment of these little people, yet screaming with frustration at my lack of space.

I'm tired. And weepy. I watched Parenthood this afternoon (I gave the kids an ipad each and begged for 40 minutes of quiet) and bawled my face off. It's my littlest baby's bday today and i don't know how I will stay awake for cake.... and part of me wants to cry into the damn cake because she is 3 and an actual little person.
How can we possibly want to pull them back yet push them away all at the same time?