Today is our 5 year Anniversary. For many, 5 years is nothing. 5 years is just the start- the romance is faded, maybe young kids, maybe settling into a groove, maybe setting up for the 7 year itch, maybe coming into a deeper relationship. But not much. For those married 10, 15, 20 or longer- 5 years is a blink.
For us it's a big freaking deal.
I rarely post about my marriage, mostly because my husband asked me not to, but I need to get this out today.
I titled this post "Hell". You're are probably thinking Im nuts, or gone off topic as I tend to do, but hell is directly related to our anniversary.
We've been through hell. I don't mean we have fought and had issues deciding who would be in charge of cleaning this, or paying that, or if the kids can have screen time or dealing with job stress or money stress or home stress. We've done all that too. I mean absolute hell. When the bottom falls out and the only thing holding you to life is the little person who is completely reliant on you.
My husband was drunk for the first 2 years of our marriage. And longer in his life of course... I can't even explain the events of those years. I have to some people- the not knowing what was going to set him off, the not knowing where he was or how much he'd spend or when he would be home. The fear of going to a movie with friends and not knowing what to expect when I got home. The fights and tears and lies and manipulation. The feeling of being completely crazy and out of control and scared ALL THE TIME. That was my life. With a baby. And then with 2 babies.
I have been called lots of things and judged by a lot of people for not leaving. Mostly when I got pregnant the second time. I have had many judgements passed; friendships lost. I am codependent- that is without question. I write this out partly because maybe someone will read it and realize that being with an addict isn't black and white. It's not just leave and split up- it's so many shades. I see friends divorcing all over and while their journey is not mine and their reasons are their own- I have come through the other side.
We went to counselling. While he drank and then when he was sober. I thought if he got sober that it would be magical. I didn't realize the dark year that would follow. I was grateful and proud of him- but I was also filled with resentment. It was poison. And I didn't realize that he was full of resentment for ME... which made me hate him. WTF did I do? I held it together so you could fall apart so fuck YOU.
In his first year of sobriety, I took a trip to Vegas and left the kids with him. We were not in a good place but I just needed a break. I needed some peace after the war of the last few years. I completely panicked on the plane. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop crying. Yeah he was sober now, but maybe this was the weekend he would drink again. With my kids. What had I done... I opened up my laptop and just randomly started typing. Yes as I bawled- I am sure the person across the aisle from me thought I was batshit crazy. And I was....
I still can't bring myself to read what I typed. I saved it just in case but everytime I think about opening the file I feel a lump in my throat and my breathing start to constrict. It scares me.
I have loved him. And hated him. And everything else in between. I think the scariest part of our marriage was when I just didn't give a shit anymore. That is a place hard to get back from, but we did.
That is my point. We did. Our relationship is still hard. I would never say we have an easy marriage. We aren't easy people. He works his program but still has the underlying issues. I try to work on myself, but as a codependent I have my own. We are finally starting to work together. After 5 years and 2 kids. It can be done.
There were many times I thought it would be easier to start over. I was probably right, but when have I EVER done what is easier.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Monday, March 16, 2015
That evil whore- The Scale
I run a Nutrition Challenge as part of my job. Don't worry- I am qualified. I've spent years reading, researching and taking courses. I am almost done another cert course... if my kids ever leave me along long enough to study and take the test. I think it's funny I thought a month ago that I could do a diploma through online correspondence. HA!
I digress.
As part of the challenge we do a weigh in. No mandatory, but client feedback says they like the accountability. It's one of the most hated parts of my job. Hauling out the scale, recording the number, watching dreams die and self esteem evaporate. Seeing the faces fall when that number doesn't go down, hearing the excuses when it actually goes UP.... the hope goes away and the faces crumble.
It kills me. And not just because I have my own issues with that bastard number (less issues than before which is good because I never ever thought I'd weigh 150lbs and be mostly ok with it) but because I sometimes run out of things to say. It's like when an aquaintince has someone die. If it's a bestie you cry along then start pouring the wine. If it's someone you barely know, it's awkward. Should I hug you? Should I say it's ok when it clearly isn't? I hate platitudes. I also hate being mean when people are upset.
When they are ok, I have no issues being extrememly forthright. Oh you can't lose weight and you're convinced that you have metabolic damage because you saw an article on facebook last week? No. Get out of your kids fries at McDonalds. Stop skipping workouts. Be HONEST with yourself GODDAMMIT.
But when I see that sad puppy look and realize how much emotional attachment this person has to that fucking number... is it the time to say these things? I just can't do it. Maybe that makes me bad at my job. Maybe that is THE time for it to sink in. Sigh.
I struggle with so many parts of my job right now. This is just the one that is in my head right now. I have gorgeous, fit moms looking to "drop that last 10 lbs". I just can't do that to them. I can't take them down that road.... because I know where it goes. Why do they need to be less? WHY do we not see ourselves as we are??? We are innundated with pictures of fit moms. Moms with full abs. Fitness women are all over my social media accounts (my fault for following and having those interests I guess) so I see lean women all over. It skews my perception of what I should and want to look like. What is feasible for me to look like, without being that crazy bitch I once was. I don't want this for them.
I digress.
As part of the challenge we do a weigh in. No mandatory, but client feedback says they like the accountability. It's one of the most hated parts of my job. Hauling out the scale, recording the number, watching dreams die and self esteem evaporate. Seeing the faces fall when that number doesn't go down, hearing the excuses when it actually goes UP.... the hope goes away and the faces crumble.
It kills me. And not just because I have my own issues with that bastard number (less issues than before which is good because I never ever thought I'd weigh 150lbs and be mostly ok with it) but because I sometimes run out of things to say. It's like when an aquaintince has someone die. If it's a bestie you cry along then start pouring the wine. If it's someone you barely know, it's awkward. Should I hug you? Should I say it's ok when it clearly isn't? I hate platitudes. I also hate being mean when people are upset.
When they are ok, I have no issues being extrememly forthright. Oh you can't lose weight and you're convinced that you have metabolic damage because you saw an article on facebook last week? No. Get out of your kids fries at McDonalds. Stop skipping workouts. Be HONEST with yourself GODDAMMIT.
But when I see that sad puppy look and realize how much emotional attachment this person has to that fucking number... is it the time to say these things? I just can't do it. Maybe that makes me bad at my job. Maybe that is THE time for it to sink in. Sigh.
I struggle with so many parts of my job right now. This is just the one that is in my head right now. I have gorgeous, fit moms looking to "drop that last 10 lbs". I just can't do that to them. I can't take them down that road.... because I know where it goes. Why do they need to be less? WHY do we not see ourselves as we are??? We are innundated with pictures of fit moms. Moms with full abs. Fitness women are all over my social media accounts (my fault for following and having those interests I guess) so I see lean women all over. It skews my perception of what I should and want to look like. What is feasible for me to look like, without being that crazy bitch I once was. I don't want this for them.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Vacation Crazy
We are going on a family beach vacation in 7 days.
I am kid-like excited. I haven't had a beach holiday in 2 years and Dear husband, camping with the kids to the local lake does NOT count.
Normally before a vacation I would diet. A LOT. I would do drastic things like cut out carbs and drink dandelion tea and eat pounds of asparagus everyday. I would add in killer amounts of cardio. I have even taken fat burners and ephedrine among other things. Shocking I know.
This was normal for me for years. I get it's disordered and I get its not normal by any stretch. I can't even speak of the fucked up stuff I did before my first beach holiday with my ex. It boggles my mind now.
I haven't done any of those things this time, but with a week left, I am starting to panic a little. I always eat asparagus because I love it but I found myself adding more of it and less of the rice into my meal today. Without consciously doing it. This shit goes deep my friends.
I find myself planning extra workouts in my head. Hmmm if I change this around then I can do an extra boxing session and that will eliminate a rest day.... The fucked up thing is I need my rest days. I go 7 days a week and I don't walk- and not in that awesome I -killed-my-legs-way. The bad My-lumbar-spine-is-totally-fucked-with-arthritis way.
Logical me knows not a ton can change in a week. I could drop water sure. Short of starting an illegal burner or surgery, I am not going to lose much in a week. I still panic. I have spent so many years trying to deal with that crazy, yet she remains. Quieter, and more easily shoved down but remains nonetheless.
I recognize my issue. I make attempts to be better. I will train my ass off this week, because I do every week. I will stay on my plan, including all carbohydrates as they are needed for my body to fuel my kickass workouts and recovery. I will rest as needed, as I will require 100% of my brain and body function to deal with my kids on a plane for 5 hours..... and patience. I will need oh so much of that- and we all know how bitchy I get with no carbs and too much cardio.
I'm not saying I am against cutting a bit before an event- a photo shoot (not that I will ever do one again lol but I get it); a wedding etc. For ME, it's not a good pattern. It's a family holiday. I will be wearing a bikini for 7 solid days probably, but at some point I need to accept that I work hard, I look decent and I am enough.
Without bringing back the crazy ;)
I am kid-like excited. I haven't had a beach holiday in 2 years and Dear husband, camping with the kids to the local lake does NOT count.
Normally before a vacation I would diet. A LOT. I would do drastic things like cut out carbs and drink dandelion tea and eat pounds of asparagus everyday. I would add in killer amounts of cardio. I have even taken fat burners and ephedrine among other things. Shocking I know.
This was normal for me for years. I get it's disordered and I get its not normal by any stretch. I can't even speak of the fucked up stuff I did before my first beach holiday with my ex. It boggles my mind now.
I haven't done any of those things this time, but with a week left, I am starting to panic a little. I always eat asparagus because I love it but I found myself adding more of it and less of the rice into my meal today. Without consciously doing it. This shit goes deep my friends.
I find myself planning extra workouts in my head. Hmmm if I change this around then I can do an extra boxing session and that will eliminate a rest day.... The fucked up thing is I need my rest days. I go 7 days a week and I don't walk- and not in that awesome I -killed-my-legs-way. The bad My-lumbar-spine-is-totally-fucked-with-arthritis way.
Logical me knows not a ton can change in a week. I could drop water sure. Short of starting an illegal burner or surgery, I am not going to lose much in a week. I still panic. I have spent so many years trying to deal with that crazy, yet she remains. Quieter, and more easily shoved down but remains nonetheless.
I recognize my issue. I make attempts to be better. I will train my ass off this week, because I do every week. I will stay on my plan, including all carbohydrates as they are needed for my body to fuel my kickass workouts and recovery. I will rest as needed, as I will require 100% of my brain and body function to deal with my kids on a plane for 5 hours..... and patience. I will need oh so much of that- and we all know how bitchy I get with no carbs and too much cardio.
I'm not saying I am against cutting a bit before an event- a photo shoot (not that I will ever do one again lol but I get it); a wedding etc. For ME, it's not a good pattern. It's a family holiday. I will be wearing a bikini for 7 solid days probably, but at some point I need to accept that I work hard, I look decent and I am enough.
Without bringing back the crazy ;)
Friday, February 13, 2015
Diets and littles.
Today my 5 year old asked me what a diet is. In a normal household, this may be a normal conversation. In my house it's a shoving-the-anxiety-down-learning-opportunity. I try not to show any emotional response. I try not to panic. I try not to show my children that I take this incredibly seriously and fear that food will take over thier lives as it did mine.
Big breaths girl. Calm the hell down. It's just a question. As expected, after my long explanation he (like a typical 5 year old goldfish attention span) said he wanted more banana and pb and then we talked about what Spiderman might eat for breakfast.
In my house, I try to promote balance. We have treats. They also have unlimited fruit and veggies. Granted the veggies aren't as popular, but who can blame them? My explanation of what a diet was included talking about food restriction, losing weight and how we can make better choices to fuel our bodies. I use that a lot. Making choices that make us stronger, and run faster while some choices make us tired and slow. Sometimes foods vs all the time foods.
|I emphasize choice. Of course my kids are 5 and 3 so their choices are largely limited to what I choose to have in the house (and thier cheezie-obsessed father but that's another battle for another day). At some point, they will go out on their own and have to make their own choices. All I can do is set them up and hope that they do, most of the time.
With clients I also stress choices. YOU make the choice. Not me. Not your kids or husband or friends. YOU. You choose to have a cheat meal- then you choose to accept the consequences. You choose to eat off plan consistently, then you choose behaviour that takes you further from your goals not closer too. It's all a choice. I remember someone tellling me when I was dieting for a show that no one made me choose this. I chose it. So stop acting like I'm a vicitm. Stop acting like I CAN'T have food. I can. I can have whatever the hell I want, but I choose not to. I choose to live in balance. I choose to fuel my body and be authentic- moving towards my goals of being stronger, being faster and being BETTER. If that comes with getting leaner, cool.
Choose the best today. For you and for your family.
Big breaths girl. Calm the hell down. It's just a question. As expected, after my long explanation he (like a typical 5 year old goldfish attention span) said he wanted more banana and pb and then we talked about what Spiderman might eat for breakfast.
In my house, I try to promote balance. We have treats. They also have unlimited fruit and veggies. Granted the veggies aren't as popular, but who can blame them? My explanation of what a diet was included talking about food restriction, losing weight and how we can make better choices to fuel our bodies. I use that a lot. Making choices that make us stronger, and run faster while some choices make us tired and slow. Sometimes foods vs all the time foods.
|I emphasize choice. Of course my kids are 5 and 3 so their choices are largely limited to what I choose to have in the house (and thier cheezie-obsessed father but that's another battle for another day). At some point, they will go out on their own and have to make their own choices. All I can do is set them up and hope that they do, most of the time.
With clients I also stress choices. YOU make the choice. Not me. Not your kids or husband or friends. YOU. You choose to have a cheat meal- then you choose to accept the consequences. You choose to eat off plan consistently, then you choose behaviour that takes you further from your goals not closer too. It's all a choice. I remember someone tellling me when I was dieting for a show that no one made me choose this. I chose it. So stop acting like I'm a vicitm. Stop acting like I CAN'T have food. I can. I can have whatever the hell I want, but I choose not to. I choose to live in balance. I choose to fuel my body and be authentic- moving towards my goals of being stronger, being faster and being BETTER. If that comes with getting leaner, cool.
Choose the best today. For you and for your family.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Lists
I have realized I love lists. Not writing them- I knew that years ago. I love making lists- it makes me feel like I have a handle on my crazy life if I write down all the things I have to do. I usually have one broken into days that week, then a work specific one beside the computer, then of course my big fridge calendar and my phone calendar that syncs to the Beard's phone. Lists errrywhere.
This time I mean the lists all over FB and Huffington Post and random blogs.
5 ways to love your body. 10 reasons to get divorced. 10 reasons to stay married. 7 mistakes we make trying to get lean. 8 ways to love your child better. 12 things you are screwing up your child with.
Those lists. The ones that break life's biggest issues into small, manageable bites for me to chew on. Oh my marriage can be perfect in 6 easy steps? Thank God. I thought I may have to devote some serious time to it over a number of years.
They're everywhere. I usually open a tab on my browser and save them to read later. Sometimes later is that day, sometimes it's days. Sometimes I realize I have 20 browser windows open on my phone and 18 of them are numbered lists lol. I just checked and I only have 4. Must be a slow day because of the Grammy Coverage. I am waiting for the list of 8 reasons Kayne is the biggest DB in music.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Fake-ness and Social Media
Is Fake-ness a word even? Meh it is now.
I could talk about the fake tits on social media, or the fake booty made by the exaggerated back arch, but that isn't what I mean with this post.
I mean the fake friends.
I get really annoyed over the false intimacy. Oh you saw the pics of my kids bday so you think you're being a good aunt/ uncle/ godparent/ cousin/ friend/ relative in general.... wait does my kid know who the hell you are even? Not likely. The ones they do are in the goddamn pictures with them.
Oh I read your statuses so I totally know what is happening in your life.
No, you know what I choose to share. The people who really care about me actually have conversations with me. They ASK how I am. They look underneath.
What I really really dislike is the fake friends. The ones that you cannot stand. The ones that you talk about to your real friends. The "hide" function is a gift to every passive aggressive person out there. Too scared to delete someone you can't stand? They may actually ask you WHY.... better to passively hide them so you can't see the dumb shit they post.
DELETE. Instead of posting inspirational shit on IG, delete them. From FB and from life. Do it. Grab a set.
Call them out on their bullshit. Tell them you think they are a condescending asshole/ chronic oversharer/ ignorant antivaxxer/ too many game invite guy instead of telling everyone else. Be real.
Or don't. Be passive and bitch about how much thier shit pisses you off in real life. WHY is it worth your time?!!??!
An argument could be made for why social media is worth your time at all. I love it. It's not a secret to anyone. I have made strides to limit the time, but yes I love the articles and the pics of kids and all the crap. I don't love how it's shaped our culture.
I could talk about the fake tits on social media, or the fake booty made by the exaggerated back arch, but that isn't what I mean with this post.
I mean the fake friends.
I get really annoyed over the false intimacy. Oh you saw the pics of my kids bday so you think you're being a good aunt/ uncle/ godparent/ cousin/ friend/ relative in general.... wait does my kid know who the hell you are even? Not likely. The ones they do are in the goddamn pictures with them.
Oh I read your statuses so I totally know what is happening in your life.
No, you know what I choose to share. The people who really care about me actually have conversations with me. They ASK how I am. They look underneath.
What I really really dislike is the fake friends. The ones that you cannot stand. The ones that you talk about to your real friends. The "hide" function is a gift to every passive aggressive person out there. Too scared to delete someone you can't stand? They may actually ask you WHY.... better to passively hide them so you can't see the dumb shit they post.
DELETE. Instead of posting inspirational shit on IG, delete them. From FB and from life. Do it. Grab a set.
Call them out on their bullshit. Tell them you think they are a condescending asshole/ chronic oversharer/ ignorant antivaxxer/ too many game invite guy instead of telling everyone else. Be real.
Or don't. Be passive and bitch about how much thier shit pisses you off in real life. WHY is it worth your time?!!??!
An argument could be made for why social media is worth your time at all. I love it. It's not a secret to anyone. I have made strides to limit the time, but yes I love the articles and the pics of kids and all the crap. I don't love how it's shaped our culture.
Tuesday, February 3, 2015
Inspiration
I'm not inspired by arched-back, ass out bathroom selfies. I'm not inspired by flexing in the gym mirror selfies. I'm really not inspired by mostly naked look-at-me selfies with kids in the background. That makes me want to barf.
I am inspired by the overweight person who walks into the gym, scared as shit, but even more scared of remaining trapped in a body they don't recognize.
I'm not inspired by the person who posts 800 race pictures and pouts when their 400 not-real-life friends don't comment on every one. I'm not inspired by those looking for constant pats on the back- you're not a dog. You don't need constant reassurance. If you do, you need to work on your outrageous insecurities rather than commenting on what everyone else is doing wrong.
I am inspired by those who get the work done every single day- in the gym and in life- without posting about it. I am inspired by those who share knowledge in a non condescending manner with a true passion for life- rather than a need to be "better than".
I am inspired by those who strive for growth. Those who look for ways to improve themselves in all ways. Life is more than running or squatting or even being a parent. I'm not inspired by those who quote things like "obsession is a word the weak use to describe the dedicated". No obsession is sometimes just that- unhealthy and unbalanced. I am inspired by those who are able to balance work, family, health etc.
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