Shortest blog ever

I refuse to let the opinions and gossip of people I do not respect affect the way I behave or feel about myself. Repeat.

Sappy season?

I must begin with a disclaimer. This post will not be particularly well written, nor will it come with am amazing insight. I am simply struggling with an issue in my brain that I cannot figure out and needed to get it out to hopefully gain some clarity.
I thought sitting quietly reading would help yet I can't shut off my brain. My husband took the kids out on some errands to give me a moment of quiet so I figured I misght as well take advantage and ramble online.

I ALWAYS get sappy and emo at Christmas time. I always want to mend fences and make wrongs right and love everyone (not in a slutty way though). I am totally aware of this. I have been known to talk to exes on Christmas and send best wishes. This whole seasonal emotionality combined with my attempts to be more responsible for my actions, forgive, move on, etc all the stuff I am working on this year is making me a total disaster.
Plus I think my uterus is about to explode, so I am seriously having issues holding it all together.

I have had two opportunities in the last few weeks to spend time socially with two people who used to be extremely important to me. Both friendships ended badly years ago and I admit that I still carry hurt and scars from it. I really thought I would never see these people again... or that they would never speak to me if we did. I get my feelings hurt fairly easily and feel very rejected and tossed aside and just generally hurt. I feel like I did when I got dumped in high school- that raw wound feeling.
My first response says Fuck them. Walk away. Why put yourself out there again? WTF is wrong with you???
My second response is to be kind. We are people doing the best we can, and holding a grudge will just exhaust me anyways.
My last response (and that of my 12 stepping husband who has more insights these days than I would sometimes like) is to apologize. For my part, whatever that may be.
The hubs said to me today that taking responsibility for your own actions doesn't make you weak or vulnerable. It makes you able to live with the fact that you have done all you can to help the situation. Without expecting an apology back... simply taking your own actions.

Yeah. The Beard said that. I tear up as I type it out.... why? Other than the fact that he is right and that still sometimes pisses me off. So I sit here eating cookies I don't want, looking for an answer and feeling incapable of logical thought.

THEN in the midst of all this and all the holiday busy/ lovlieness, I get BLASTED on FB for posting a video that I thought was hilarious. Harmless and hilarious. I'd post it here but I'm fucking scared of what sort of backlash would result. I refuse to engage in the fb drama anymore so all I will say here is that NOTHING I post is malicious or intended to affect anyone's livelihood. Like my Elf on a Shelf rant- I am not attacking anyone who has one but I think they're creepy. So what?!?!? Who cares what I think??? . I rarely think of specific people when I post something and I would not post a passive shot through a video. Maybe 2 years ago I would have, but I am not that passive girl anymore. I cannot believe how ready to fight and battle people in general are. We assume everyone is out to get us- driving, at the store, in a line, on fb. Every shoulder check is a glare and every fb status is a personal shot. Are we really so self involved that we think that everything is about us? It blows my mind. What if we approached life and people as having the best intentions? What if we DID have the best intentions? That's fucking Christmas spirit right there people. Having the best goddam intentions all the time. I NEED to be comfortable with that. My intentions were good, so each personal perception is NOT my issue- it's theirs.
I am thankful for some wise friends in my life this weekend who reminded me of that, including the Beard. He's pretty insightful for a redneck ass.

Gratitude

I am not a person to whom gratitude comes easily. I am a bit of a spoiled brat. I have high expectations of people and events and have been consistently disappointed when things don't happen as I hope they would. It is my own issue, I recognize and one I am working on.
However... this past year I have been growing in my gratitude. I felt this was a good topic to explore today with the whole holiday season deal going on. Also notice I use the word greatful not blessed.

I am randomly hit with these huge feelings of gratefulness. They are pretty random- today was driving away from the grocery store to pick up my kids. All at once I felt so grateful for my warm vehicle (mostly seat warmer really- if you haven't had a toasty ass seat warmer you are truly missing out), for my bootcampers in class today, for the groceries I just bought without freaking out if I had enough money to pay for them.... for the day with my children that stretched out in front of me. I honestly wanted to cry at how much I love my life and feel so grateful to have it. If you know me IRL, you are probably wondering wtf... is this Cara? Are you bleeding from the uterus?
Yeah I don't mention it to many people because I am not one of those Hallmark card people. I do hope I am somewhat inspiring or encouraging as I would suck balls at my job if I wasn't, but I am certainly not a soft squishy hug the world kind of person.
Anyways, my gratitude. I remember years ago trying to do a gratitude journal. Oprah said we should, so I did. Sometimes it's nice to not have to think for yourself. I remember STRUGGLING with it. My life was so far from what I wanted how the shit was I supposed to ooze all this positivity?
 My husband and I had a discussion about it last week. I thought it would fade after the tough months earlier this year. I thought these fuzzy wonderful feelings would leave and I would start to take all my shit for granted again- and don't get me wrong there are spoiled asshole days. There are days where I stomp my feet and want to run away from my children and wonder how easy life would be to start over with someone else..... Everyone has those days, and if they say they don't they are clearly selling something.
We talked about intentional gratitude. Fake it till you make it. My husband is one of those people for sure- he is very intentional about it. He has to be. It doesn't make it any less meaningful- it actually makes it worth more when it comes. To use a fitness analogy (because I always freaking do lol), I respect the client who has to work their balls off to lose a few lbs, to lift a bit more, to run a bit further MORE than the client who is a natural athlete. I respect people who do things they initially suck at.

So today I had this overwhelming feeling of gratitude in the car. Then came home, made cookies that went flat and my big little woke up my little little because he can't shhhhhh for an hour and GD WalMart photo centre wouldn't upload my GD family pics for Christmas cards and I wanted to pull my hairs out. Then I looked at both my littles coloring (on the GD kitchen table not the coloring books but whatever) and it all came back. Life is pretty effing great.

*Footnote- don't tell my husband I ordered photos from WalMart. I don't want to hear the rant about evil corporations today- I just want to hold onto my good vibes a little longer ;)

Elf on the Shelf... be prepared to be pissed off.

Yeah I suck at blogging. I know. I am working less now, but don't seem to have a ton more time. I do put a lot on myself for the holidays and have been busy busting my ass baking and decorating and trying to keep up with regular life. I think I am failing at that.
I've written half blog posts in my head a few times this month but haven't had time to actually type them out, but I wanted to get this one out because I am annoyed. And I feel bed because there are a couple people who read the blog and have been asking lol. A couple anyways ;)

This blog may offend you or make you defensive if you have children. Let me start off with this blog is about MY family and our choices for OUR children. I could give a crap what you do with your kids or for them. Honestly, I don't care unless it affects my kids. So before you read this and get upset- realize this is my opinion on my blog. If you don't like it, cool.

I HATE the Elf on the Shelf. Not only do I think he is fucking creepy and would scurry around my house while I slept, peering at me in my bed trying to decide how to murder me- I think the idea is awful. The Elf is watching you and reporting back to Santa so YOU BETTER BE A GOOD BOY/ GIRL!!! My husband and I discussed early on how we would not use Santa as a behavior control. I refuse to say "be good or Santa won't come!!" because I refuse to use empty threats. I think that unless you are actually willing to follow through- don't say it. Let's face it, my 4 year old would have to stab someone for Santa not to come. Even then, I would be more concerned with slamming him in some psyc facility where he would get the help he needed and santa would probably still come.
I think the Elf is one more mode of behavior control (now I sound like Rob lol) employed by parents who think "it's fun!" without thinking of the actual reasons behind it. I am not slamming anyone else's parenting, just urging others to THINK about why you do what you do. WHY is the elf watching? WHY should a child behave? I don't want my kids to behave because someone is "watching" and if they don't they won't get presents. What kind of adults does this create? Ones that think it's ok to act like hoodlums if no one is watching?
I hope that I am able to instill a sense of responsibility in my children. I can hear some of my friends saying I am going too far with this elf thing and I can understand that position. It really has to start somewhere. All too often, I feel we do exactly what our parents did. Not to say they didn't do the best they could. My parents did kickass obviously.... but I don't remember my mom saying if I wasn't good Santa wouldn't come. Maybe she did and I just have a shitty memory I don't know.
My point to all this is that we need to live with intention. Make choices for our families with intention- think about WHY we do things and how they will impact us and the people around us. Don't blindly buy an Elf because Pinterest has cute pictures of him making snow angels in flour and it's a fun game. Don't blindly do a workout program because so and so says so- find out WHY it's good and why it may not be for YOU. Don't blindly shove 8 cookies in your mouth because it's the holidays. Make choices- conscious well thought out choices. Take a moment to think about what you want and where each choice will take you.
Intention people. If you need to create some space in your mind to be able to make these choices, come join me for yoga :)

Modelling

... positive behaviours I mean. Not the heroin-hollow cheeked fashion kind.

I started regularly training a stroller class. It has its drawbacks- screaming kids running all over make for interesting program planning and a lot of yelling on my part. The moms often lose focus and wander off throughout the workout because a kid barfed or has to pee or is screaming for whatever reason. If I keep the majority of their attention up to the stretching part, I consider it a success. I figure many of them are just trying to stay alive somedays, so stretching may not be high on their list of things to do.

The part I LOVE about stroller class is that the kids are there. Not that they are kicking over my hurdles or running in the way or leaving their damn crackers on the floor, but that they are watching their moms. Consciously or not, they see their moms making an effort. They see them work and sweat and get red faced and struggle.... and keep going. I remember my mom weighing food. And dieting. And hating how she looked. I NEVER remember my mom working out. She tries now, but her health has declined so much that it makes it difficult to function some days never mind start working out. Trust me, I have harassed her. If and when she is ready she will. If not, she won't.
I didn't work out until I was in University. I certainly never ran on purpose. The guy I was dating was a gym rat and insisted on showing me how to workout. I really liked him (entirely too much in retrospect but it all turned out in the end and I still thank him for showing me the way) so I did it. I learned how to lift etc and now it's all history.
I wish I had the background in fitness before that. I wish that I was exposed to physical activity as something to do beyond phys ed in school. All I can do now is show my kids. My son asked me a couple days ago why I don't do mud runs anymore. I laughed and said because it's cold and now Mommy runs inside... next summer I'll do some more. He thinks its hilarious that I get dirty on purpose- I guess he does have a point.

I made this last night- other than spilling in too many red pepper flakes, it was lovely. Greek yogurt instead of sour cream, less cheese= goodness.
Spaghetti Squash Au Gratin
Tastes like Hash Brown Casserole without all the calories and carbs

1 medium spaghetti squash...
2 tablespoons butter
1 small yellow onion, cut in half and very thinly sliced
¼ teaspoon red pepper flakes, or more if you like it spicy
1 teaspoon fresh thyme
½ cup sour cream
½ cup shredded cheddar cheese

Cut the spaghetti squash in half and remove the seeds. Place in a covered dish with a ¼ inch of water and microwave for 10 -12 minutes. In a medium sized skillet over medium heat, add the butter, onions, red pepper and thyme and cook until the onions are slightly brown in color. Salt and pepper to taste.
Using a fork, scrape the insides of the squash and transfer to a small bowl. Combine the squash, onions, sour cream and half the cheese together and mix well. Transfer the mixture to a buttered baking dish and top with remaining cheese.
Place into a 375º for 15 – 20 minutes until golden brown on top

Having more by having less

-this is kind of redundant from my post todya, but I wrote it last week and forgot to post lol. Enjoy my redundancy.


We are moving. Well, maybe. If we can ever find a house that isn't a shithole or horribly overpriced or 900 square feet. I do want to downsize, but I also don't want to hear every time someone farts anywhere in my house.
It seems that our move is tough to understand for some people. No, there isn't anything wrong with our house- other than its covered in oak. It is a nice house. It's also a huGe house in a fancy neighborhood.... And we want more. By more I don't mean bigger or fancier or shinier. By more I mean more family time. More closeness. More memories. LESS mortgage, less cleaning, less bills. I am quitting my full time child care gig.... Because it makes my whole family crazy. I gave up teaching to raise my own kids but half the time I'm too stressed and busy to pay them half the attention I'd like.
Anyways, the point of our move is to simplify. Ive been asked numerous times how we will get back into a huge fancy house- who says we want to? I am so freaking tired of chasing the "dream". Having to have better, shinier, newer bullshit. It's all bullshit. I'm working my balls off for what? To get more debt? It's so ridiculous and no one steps back to see it.
After all we've been through this year, all that I want is family time. Simple. A long counter that I can bake on and can pickles and other bullshit my kids will hate growing up but look back on when they're grown ups. A backyard big enough for their swings and a garden. A basement for my husband to watch sports in because let's be honest- we aren't going to live like Hutterites or those creepy couples who spend 100% of their time together.

Transitions

I always feel September is my new year. January is overrated. Maybe I was in school for too long, between my own education and then teaching, but September is truly my favorite time of year. The leaves may be falling, and the flowers in my pots are looking sad (that may also be because I am tired of taking care of them and am completely neglectful by this point) but for me it's a time for growth and transitions.
I haven't started a new workout program or diet or anything like that. This year my big baby went to preschool, which was enough change for me this month. This year has been all about change for me- both literal and figurative. So many changes both in myself and my husband, it's a wonder how we even had conversations before. Oh right.... we rarely did.
 It seems the transitions will continue as we look for a house to downsize to.
One of the changes for me has been NOT freaking out about finding this new house. Nor do I care to explain to the non-believers (and they are many). There is nothing 'wrong' with our house. It is lovely. It is huge. That is one of the biggest issues- how do we teach our children about the evils of materialism when we live in an enormous house beside fancy people? Plus our family needs a new start, in a more modest, affordable home. Many just don't understand, and I just no longer care.
I'm almost 35 fucking years old. Why do I need to justify my choices to anyone? Oh right- I don't.
I don't know if it's my personality or my gender, but I instinctively feel a need to justify and explain to others. I hate that. I HATE that it matters if people think we are making a smart choice or if they secretly talk about how crazy I am behind my back. One of my favorite pins says that they will judge you anyways so you might as well do what you want.

I am a little freaked out myself about all this transition. I am so often reassuring my husband that I don't get to focus on my own worries. Are we making a mistake? Is giving up my full time job the right decision? Are we digging a hole? Ugh. At some point though, we will just have to jump in. Do or do not, there is no try.
It's just money anyways.