Ugh my brain

I am trying to write an article on breakfast options for families for a local paper and I am BLANKING. Christ I wrote half of it in my head last week but now I can't get anything down! And what I did write I sound like some uppity bitch suburban mom. Which I am of course, but I try not to sound it.
It must be the cold. FACK is it gross outside. My skin is all flaky. TMI I know, but seriously. I am llike a freaking snake. I have been avoiding my black leggings for that reason.

I am thinking too much today. I'll blame the hormones. I am overthinking all work and life options. All day today and yesterday..... trying to balance, trying to figure out best options, trying trying trying. UGH I don't know what the answers are. I know there is some God quote about letting go and letting God, but I think he is more concerned with larger matters of the world. Or at least should be.

We got a puppy :) Well, he will be here end of Feb. Just in case I got more than a couple hours of sleep... lol. So in my spare moments when I should be writing articles and programming I am looking at collars and dishes and crates. lol.

Ugh. I'm sure I've used that title before....

It's -41 with windchill. When it's this cold, I realize how drafty and shitty the windows are in our house. They're all iced over... and I wonder why our utilities are insane. At least I get to stay inside until tonight when I have to work.

My 6 am client cancelled this morning (thank God), so I got in a nice practice in front on the fireplace before the kids came. I am still sore from our loooooong practice on Sunday in class- and I hate being upside down. I am not sure why I hate inversions so much.... It's not just because I suck at them because I suck at a lot of things and I don't hate them as much? I should look it up in one of my books- I am sure it says why somewhere (like I have abandonment issues or I am afraid to be alone etc). We went over that in class this weekend too about how the chakras block energy etc and what ailments appear from that. I am not sure how I feel about all the chakra stuff. It's interesting. I do HATE breathing exercises (they call it pranayama in Yogi terms). I FREAKED in class when we have to exhale all breath out then hold for a count. I feel like I am choking.

What else.... Oh, looking at preschools for my bigger baby. WTF. Preschool already?!? I found some preschool prep cd's for sale online. WTF again people- isn't preschool prep for real school? Now I have to prep him for prep??? Why does everyone have such a hard on for overeducating thier littles? Just let them be little!! Let them learn through play for gods sakes..... I have ABCs and Numbers and stuff all over the play room but I don't force 3 year old to sit in a desk and do lessons. We count, we color, we play, we sing. Calm the fuck down parents. Likely your kid isn't a genius and even if he is, preschool prep isn't going to make a difference.

Planning a yogathon for our Karma project. I am actually pretty pumped about it. I have a zillion things to do, but I am hoping this thing will get pretty big. :)

Making these today beause I am cold and I want the oven on: http://www.fitsugar.com/Cinnamon-Quinoa-Bake-21799042 they look kinda weird but I have all the ingredients and I am afraid to make banana bread again.

Oh and of course rant for today- when my husband finishes off a bag of chips, eats a Dilly bar THEN eats the mixed nuts that I have 1 oz of everyday. He doesn't just EAT the fucking nuts though, he picks out the good ones. I go to count out my goddamn nuts this morning and SURPRISE- all fucking brazil nuts and almonds left. Nutpunch.

Thursday?

I have lost track of what day it is, but I am pretty sure it's Thursday. This week has been a haze of work, work, yoga, baby's birthday and pain. Stupid rib- I have decided I slipped a rib (good old Dr. Googles helped me diagnose it) since it happens every few weeks. It fucking hurts. Sorry for the vulgarity- oh no wait, I'm actually not. ;)

My friend posted this pic on her FB page (Recharged:Fueling your life with food and fitness- go like it). It's funny because it goes along the same lines as my thought patterns for the past few days. Today's blog will be a little less ranty/ angry since I feel more mellow and introspective. Hormones.
I realized yesterday that every single morning I get up, pee, strip down to shower and evaluate. Before I brush my teeth, eat breakfast or even speak to anyone- I have already evaluated my self worth for the day. This week has been particiularly bad because it's the week before the Flo and I have been eating everything in sight, which translates to bloat in the morning. I have been eating clean but too much clean which is still not good.
So if I think my belly is poochy I determine I suck and need to tighten up the diet. I begin to beat myself up about doing more cardio (even though logically I know I am taking a scheduled break from cardio and I have zero time). I start to compare back to a time when I looked better or leaner. All this happens in less than the time I take to shower and at 5am. Now really, at 5 am I should have one thought- COFFEE- but on it continues.
This morning as I got dressed and made my coffee, I continued the list in my head of things I was lacking at or needed to do. I started to get a little panicky and overwhelmed... so I wrote some stuff down and just tried to breathe and let the rest go....
Yoga helped. I did my practice at the studio before my 6 am client.
Maybe now that I am hyper aware of this, I can work on it. Ugh. One more thing to work on. I sometimes wish I was less self aware and could just BE. Fixing oneself is difficult and overwhelming.

I want a latte. And a chiro appt. I don't think I will get either today. Le Sigh.

Excuses

Happy Monday! I have a weekful of 14 hour days in front of me, plus a whole weekend of yoga training. Plus it's Baby G's birthday on Thursday- thank God we had the party already. Which brings me to my point of the day- excuses.
Seriously, the amount I work and have responsibilities like kids etc if I can get workouts in/ prep food/ get all my work done- SO CAN YOU. Everyone is busy. I get that. But don't tell me that you don't have time to work out then 5 minutes later tell me what happened on the Bachelor.
We all make time for things that are important to us. If you want it bad enough, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.
Also, this will sound harsh but I don't care. If you don't pay me to listen to them, I don't want to hear your excuses. I actually don't want to hear excuses at all but if you are my client at least I understand why you are telling me. I can't cound the number of times I have had people bring up my training, job, workouts or whatever and then launch into reasons why they can't workout, or why they can't/ don't eat properly.... here's the mean part- I just don't care. They bring it up because they feel guilty? Embarrassed? I have no idea. When they're ready if they ask, I will help. Otherwise I just don't care what they eat- as I don't expect them to care what I eat.
My husband always gets irritated with me because I continue to help those who don't follow through. Yet how am I to know when it will 'click' for them? Maybe it wont, but maybe one time it will- and then it's wonderful.
Back to my point- the excuses are all bullshit and I don't want to hear it. Unless you are my client then I will listen, kick your ass and tell you to move the F on and do better next week.

I made these today for snacks/ meals this week http://whatisbakinginthebarbershop.blogspot.ca/2012/06/peanut-butter-banana-oatmeal-squares.html
They're my favorite with 2 scoops of chocolate pro powder added in. They are lovely frozen as well.
I am cooking up some ground bison and jasmine rice this afternoon for easy to tranport meals for the week then my prep will be done until mid week when I'll do up some chicken.

I am struggling to schedule in all my yoga plus some lifting- but I won't make an excuse lol. I did some heavy upperbody lifts this morning before my client (at 5 am suckers. You do what you gotta do), plus I will get in my yoga practice tonight after my 830 client. I did a half assed yoga practice last night then watched two episodes of Revenge and ate ice cream. It was my responsibility and my fault. I was tired, I was overworked, I had too much on my plate blahblahblah. No one wants to hear it. ;)

Thursday already?! WTF.

203 page views but 1 person following? WTF people. Hit the follow button. Then you'll get notifications when I make long, rambling posts instead of having to save the link.

I just made these: http://www.theyummylife.com/Refrigerator_Oatmeal and hard boiled eggs. I have been guilty of a do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do approach to nutrition lately. I just haven't been eating enough, especially protein. I tell everyone to prep (Fail to plan means plan to fail) but I have been struggling to find time to work, clean, practice daily and get my readings in- never mind meal prep. It's all about priorities though and it's time to get mine together.
My ass was kicked into gear by a conversation I had with a trainer-competitor friend last night. As an aside, I love that I have made my own friends in this town. It's tough as an adult, but I have made some connections with some really great like-minded people and it makes me happy. It helps remove the sting from losing some friends that I thought were forever.  Anyways, I will get my train of thought back on the rails. So the conversation. She said her husband appreciates that she "walks the walk" because she is so hardcore. I agree. I wouldn't hire an out of shape, out of touch trainer. I appreciate people who love to learn like she and I do and I constantly think about "walking the walk". To the point where it's almost too much.... living in a small town doesn't help. Everytime I grocery shop I wonder if someone will see me and analyze what is in my cart. Yes it sounds self involved, but it's that kind of town! I need to be accountable and authentic for myself- not because of what everyone else thinks and their expectations.

Brings me to another conversation- well actually a text convo because I NEVER get to see her. My friend Megan sent me a text the other day saying she loved reading this because I always seem put together and it reveals some of my struggles. I honestly laughed out loud. Really- put together?? Most days I am just trying to get through and accomplish whatever I can. Lately I struggle to balance all I have going on and I have been told I am doing a shitty job of it. Well, it's the best I've got so what more can I do? Somehow I feel like I should be doing more; should be doing better so it's a constant stream of guilt/ self berating especially at 3 am when I wake up and can't get back to sleep. Anyways, the point of me bringing this up is that everyone has struggles. Everybody poops, right? We are all the same, just the struggles are different and some of us (apparently) fake it better.

Tonight is my busy night. Two clients then two classes back to back. Good times. AND after 6 kids all day... people wonder why I drink so much coffee.

Edited to add- man do I hate peeling those egg bitches. I need one of those Eggie things As Seen On TV.

So frustrated

I could rant for hours but I won't. I have been told I need to improve the "locker room" of our marriage and it wouldn't do any good anyways, so I will leave it. Suffice to say I am incredibly frustrated and feel at the end of my rope.

Two topics today.... One. I was told how lucky I am today. Apparently, I am able to eat a snack right before bed because I am skinny. SIGH. Where do I begin with this statement? Firstly, I am not lucky. I work my balls off and I eat clean the majority of the time. Secondly, there is absolutely no correlation between being 'skinny' (which is term I hate btw) and not eating after 6pm- no matter what Dr. Oz or Doctors or whoever says. Calories are total intake all day long. The reason WHY I am 'skinny' (it pains me to write that) is because I consume calories steadily throughout the day, work out hard and eat clean calories without going over a certain number.
Why is this so difficult? I am not lucky, or genetically able to eat whatever I want, or any of that.

Which brings me to point number Two. This article annoys me. http://www.leducrep.com/2013/01/02/no-need-to-change-diet-according-to-new-study-dietitian
It's a great example of how findings in studies can be miconstrued according to the reader, publisher and who ever else may gain finacially/ otherwise from it. I think the dietician explained it well when she stated that "insulin production is not really dependent on when you'r eeating as much as what you're eating".
WHAT you're eating, folks. This just in. Of course when you eat certain foods is important in training and great coaches will tell you that and explain it to you. But for the general public, what you are eating is far more important.

Oh random third. Lance Armstrong admitted to taking performance enhancing drugs. I'm about to open a huge can of worms here, but I just don't give a shit. I would like to know which ones, just for my own interest, but otherwise... I don't think he is a devil. I don't think he is evil, or a cheater, or should be stripped of anything. I dare anyone to take any drug out there and try to ride the Tour de France not just win it. One ball or not- drugs give an edge. Yeah it's unfair. It's also unfair that that chick has longer legs than me or rounder muscle bellies or bigger boobs. It enhances the genetically gifted and kicks training a little higher..... but you can't tell me he sat on his ass and watched SOA while his competitors trained. He trained his ball off too.
I get it's not a popular opinion yet it is one shared by those familiar with performance enhancing drugs- which is not the general population. Generally people hear STEROIDS ZOMG!!
You don't have to agree with me, but it's my place to ramble so too bad.
Happy Tuesday. LOL not a very uplifting post but I'm exhausted from a weekend of the stomach flu and still taking care of 2 kids all day and trying to clean and santize an entire house and do 8 loads of laundry and train clients then wake up suddenly at 330 am and not be able to sleep.... UGH.

Procrastination.....

Thank the lord for naptime. My 3 year old and I painted while the other kids napped (or cried, then napped UGH). I am attempting to put down the phone, step away from the computer/ work and spend ACTUAL 1 on 1 time with my kids. It's difficult. I also need to do this with my husband, even if we are just watching tv. He complains time to time that I am always looking at my phone (especially lately with all the work I feel like I might miss some earth shattering event on Facebook) and I know it's rude. It's become such a habit half the time I don't even realize I am looking at it.
One of the topics we explore in yoga training is being in the present- HUGE goal of mine. I suck balls at it.

I made granola today. Exciting I know. I effing LOVE granola, but it's so damn sugary. Here is close to what I made: http://glutenfreegirl.com/homemade-granola-gluten-free/ but of course I messed around and added/ subtracted some stuff- sf syrup of course and added chia seeds. Not sure how that'll turn out. I hate dried apricots btw. They're so gross, although useful if you can't poop.

My early am client cancelled for this morning so I finished my practice early. I am working on my home practice by find it difficult because my 3 year old wants to be beside me all the time. Hard to focus on the breath when a kid is asking "Momma what you doing? Why you do dat? Why you lie down?" an inch from my face.....

I am teaching cardio class then kickboxing tonight. I haven't taught kickboxing to a group before, so I am a little nervous but mostly excited. I should be studying right now, or programming for clients or even cleaning the house. I have no desire to read a text about nutrition or the yoga sutras.... I really want to watch Days and eat chocolate. But I won't. Sticking to a plan, eating clean and getting shit done doesn't mean you never WANT crap- it just means you don't give in. You respect yourself enough to stick to your goal. Plan your work, then work your plan. I dunno who said that to me originally, but I didn't make it up just so you know. It's still good. :)