Attitude

You may have seen the post title and thought I was going to post about positive attitude and how attitude is everything. No. This will be about my preschool child's shitty ass attitude and how it's ruining my life.
I pictured staying at home with my children as this wonderful experience. We would learn letters and numbers and they would explore their environment while I drank coffee and basked in the glow of their minds expanding. We would do playdoh and crafts and walk and smile and our bond would be amazing because I had given up my career to ensure their young years were spent with their mother.

Fuck was I wrong. More wrong than when I dated that total idiot in high school- and that was pretty fucked up. Yes we learn letters and do puzzles and I certainly drink coffee. A lot of coffee. Maybe our bond is amazing- maybe that will show up when they're in their late teens and deciding to snort meth or lose their virginity in the back of their dads car (I think I saw them snorting meth on breaking bad right? Or do you smoke it? Have I mentioned what being a parent has done to my attention span?). Anyways. Once can hope right? Because right now the bond seems to be my 3.75 year old screaming no when I ask him to put a toy away, and kicking me when I ask him to wipe his nose. My immediate response is that I want to punch him. Before you call child services, I don't actually punch him. But sometimes I want to- and that sure as hell wasn't in my dream of being the most wonderful mother ever.
If you are judging me right now, either we aren't supposed to be friends or you have 0-1 children. And thats ok. The chick in my kickboxing class who stared at me in horror as I mentioned to my friend that I was struggling to not backhand my child that morning can judge all she wants. I knew we wouldn't be friends way before that. I am sure she is praying for me right now..... And I am sure God if he does exists has far more important things to worry about.
My point, and I only sort of have one, is that I am struggling at this "season" in my child's life. Everyone says this too shall pass..... But shit some of these experiences sure take a freaking long time  
I have realized that my need for impulse control of reflected in my kid- how can I possibly teach him that it's not ok to hit if I hit him back? And again, I do not hit him back. I am explaining why I don't believe spanking works. Although I have spanked him, and it hasn't worked. His impulse is to hit, as is mine- I'm just older and have learned the lesson that its not ok while he has yet to learn that and it's my job to teach him. Maybe when he does learn it,he will thank me for all the years of struggle and frustration..... HAHAHAHA. As if.