Dichotomy

A friend's post on fb started me thinking about my own thinking today. She posted about gorging and having huge crazy cheat meals and how it's not necessary. I can remember my coach having to time my cheats because I could (or would) eat so much. I would eat till I got sick. My best friend and I would start in Starbucks with full fat frappucinos and cookies, then move over to Red Robin where we would share 3 meals and desserts. Yes. That happened more than once, and I would usually eat candy or bread on the way home. And be SO sick and looking 6 months pregnant. Now at that point in my life, the cheats were a tool in my overall plan. It wasn't just a mental break. Still, that sheer volume should illustrate to you how black and white I am. There is no grey.

I can diet like crazy. I can eat like crazy. I struggle with the balance of the two. Not just with food either. I am attempting lately, in my quest for personal growth this year, to try.... but it's fucking hard. Right or wrong; in or out.... there is no in between. That generally leaves me crazy and disappointed though.

All this thinking reminded me of how crazy I can get, and how I really have to check myself. I can finally have ice cream in the house without eating it all. My son picked me a treat when he was at the gas station last night, and my immediate reaction is to freak and say why did you let him buy that? You know I can't have Skor bars laying around!?!? My second reaction (after choking back the first one) is much more sane. I said thanks, had a bite and put it away. Don't think I haven't thought about that bitch just sitting there all crunchy and buttery and glorious in my cupboard though.

Oh and my foot fucking hurts. I hurt it somehow before Spartan, and it really hurt after. I ran last night and could feel it swelling in my shoe.... When the hell am I supposed to get to a dr? ARG!!