Guess who's back? Back again... Nanananana.

I will attempt to pick it up again. I apologize for those who care and missed me- and if you don't care wtf are you doing here anyways? My life sort of fell apart/ imploded a few days after my last post. No, I don't want to talk about it but thanks for asking. If you didn't ask, you're an asshole.

Here is my thought for the day. People tell me all the time "Oh, I couldn't diet for that long. I Just LOVE food too much".
A. I don't diet.

B. Because I am not overweight, I don't love food? I would argue that a clean eater/ competitors love of food (or obsession over anyways) would rival anyone's. I have friends about to compete this weekend and I guarantee you that some of them obsess every time they drive by a fast food place. Dreaming of greasy burgers; almost driving off the road because they are so distracted by the thought of salty French fries. I've been there. I've stood in front of the ice cream freezer gazing longingly at all the choices for so long that someone actually asked if I needed help.
I've craved and listed the food I wanted to eat and post-show binged on food I don't even like.

The point to all this is that I don't hate food. The point is that I do love it too, but I love liking myself more. I love fueling my workouts with clean food. I love being accountable to myself and my plan, and I love looking in the mirror and feeling good about it. Don't get me wrong- I love to eat crap also and I do. As part of my plan, in reasonable amounts, and when necessary. I no longer give up social events to stay home because I am afraid I will be tempted or left out by cheat foods (btw this behaviour now seems completely insane but is a very accepted thought in some circles). Cheat foods are such a part of socialization. Food is part of every major celebration and I refuse to miss out on that. I have no issue enjoying rich delicious foods I love, and enjoying friends- or even eating a cheeseburger and a bottle of wine by myself with a movie after a long week. Yeah, I said a bottle Judgey-Judgerson.
Ultimately as always, my point is BALANCE. Life is about balance. Loving food and loving social times with friends and family.... and loving yourself. Indulging some of the time, and kicking ass and eating clean most of the time.

Now get off your computer and go work out.

Fail

Ok I've been brutal. I can't lie to you people- or to myself. This past week has been a blur of stress and yoga and studying. Food- fail. I did fine until this weekend and then I ate my PMS feelings. It wasn't awful until Sunday- just a couple eggies and piece of bread- but then last night after I was done my LAST day of yoga training and my Nutrition exam and I said fuck it. Pizza, wine and ice cream. It was worth it.
I could make pages of excuses about lack of time, stress, blahblahblah but I won't because who the fuck cares. It's a new day. A new day of being a yoga teacher for reals :) and a closer to my trip.... so on the wagon I go.
This week is pretty nuts again. Next week should be somewhat normal I hope. We have our yogathon this saturday that is mostly my responsibility it seems.... plus work and covering extra bootcamps and regular life. SIGH. Oh and I am going to pick up the puppy in 20 minutes. Who needs to sleep?

Um so did you notice that I said I am DONE YOGA TRAINING WHOOOOOOTTTT!! Yes, I yelled at you at 6am on a monday. What an asshole.

Wasting time...

I should be practicing my sequence. I should be studying my nutrition text OR my group instructor text OR any multitude of texts laying around. Instead I am wrestling with all the distracted thoughts in my head. I am attempting to write out my intro sequence for yoga on friday- teaching the other teachers. Always scary. I can't focus... my instructor says it's called trying to cage the monkey. The more you try to force all the thoughts away into a cage, the more he fights.
My brain is a tired monkey today.

I had a massage last night. The whole hour I thought about where I would go back to to redo my life if I could. I wasted the whole hour thinking about that- like it was actually possible. I thought about events and specific years and what I would redo and what I wouldn't.... like someone was actually going to come make me decide. I could have relaxed- well not really considering how hard and awesomely she was elbow deep in my shoulder OW- but I could have thought of something constructive. Or thought of nothing at all and given my crazy mind a break.... but nope. I think about that for an hour. And still don't have an answer if one were ever necessary (just in case a Disney fairy is waiting in the background).

Sigh. I am overtired. I recognize that. I also recognize that I am filling waking hours with busy-ness to avoid dealing with things I don't/ can't deal with. I may be a lot of things, but I think I am pretty self aware. And tired. Self aware and tired. I hope the baby sleeps tonight, and I hope I don't lose my voice completely for tomorrow. It's hard to bust people's asses in a cardio class with no voice... I am sure there are people who wouldn't be too sorry. lol. It'll be a super awesome Valentines Day of work, clients and classes.

Oh and I picked a puppy name. He comes on the 25th <3

Begin again

There is nothing more annoying than typing out a whole post and deleting it.... Blarg. One more example of doing many things, but doing none of them well.

I had planned on going 60 days hardcore (before my Mex trip) starting next week after the long weekend.... but I ate half a pie last night and I feel gross. So today it is. I planned out my food (loosely) with more fats and less carbs- but not ever eliminating or going below a certain number. That is insane. I will start cardio after yoga training is over as cardio shouldn't be the focus for a weight loss tool, and I don't have time right now anyways. I scheduled in my lifting and yoga for this week into my phone calendar like any other appointment.
I stepped on the scale this morning and it was a little scary, but really I ate half a pie last night. And a skor. And a cookie.

I think I will go 3 weeks no cheats- I didn't say no wine. I like to play around and see what works and what doesn't, but I'm not competeing and I refuse to give up wine. I will give up coffee cream although I said I never would again.... just for these couple weeks. I have a date with some of my best lady friends on March 9th so that is almost a solid cheatless month.
I'd like to get down to 135 but I am not stuck on that number. I have been super bloated the last week or so (not due to lady problems either so I dunno wtf) so I need to eliminate some crap from my diet obviously. Reward after 3 weeks is a new bathing suit from VS- this one in these colors- LOVE IT.
http://www.victoriassecret.com/swimwear/new-arrivals/push-up-bandeau-top-beach-sexy?ProductID=76141&CatalogueType=OLS

The baby is finally sleeping through the night but now my 3.5 year old wakes up at 245am and wants to have a conversation about watching tv. Jesus.

Moms

Quick post as I wasted almost all of naptime looking at VS bathing suits for my trip in 70 some days and then reading Lyle McDonald's PSMF diet again lol. The two things are related.
After some conversations with some people this week, I have been thinking about "lost" people. Not sure that lost is the right word... but everyone is searching for something, right? I guess I feel like this yoga training is bringing more focus into my life. More openness? More peace in my brain anyways (which is good because as you all know there isn't a lot of that).
Those who don't trust the world, who question it all, who wander tortured.... It all comes back to early childhood IMO. I am entirely too wrapped up in my university level psych today. I have been thinking today that I don't struggle with any of that because I have never once questioned the love my mom has for me. I don't think I can do anything and I don't agree with telling my children they can. I did always know that she was there for whatever it was I needed- even if I was being a dick. Isn't that the basis of everything? How can a child explore and trust and learn without that? I am not saying it has to be a mom, because God knows there are some shit ass moms out there with sucessful children- just someone. Who loves without question and can always be trusted....
Yeah Yeah blablah all those who took any child development classes are saying We've heard it all and thanks for the newsflash Tips. Kids resiliency blahblahblah.
It just reminds me to tell my kids I love them. All the time. And to be that person of trust. Not the person who tells them what they want to hear, or the person who fixes all their problems or the person who hides away from them when something bad happens to them....

Not at all about fitness, but eff you it's my space and I can ramble about whatever I want. I had a brutal migraine last night so I am still fuzzy. Can you tell? Lol.

Blog #2 for today

You are SO lucky- I have so much to say I am doing two blogs today. lol.
This is mostly a note to myself, but you are welcome to read it.

I have no control over what anyone else thinks/ feels/ acts towards me. I have control over my own behaviour and responses. Simply because someone treats me badly does not permit me to respond the same way if I am living authentically (I recently started using the words living authentically since I still think they sound ridiculous and super cheezy, but at the same time work for what I am trying to do with my life). What other people think about me is none of my business. I am responsible for my own actions and reactions. 4 Agreements states that nothing anyone else does is because of me. Which reminds me I need to reread that at some point. Maybe holidays... but I digress.
How I treat people is my karma, how other people treat me is theirs.


Oh, and Dixie Chicks are coming to Stampede. WHOOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!! I gotta get tickets this week.

Monday. Already. FACK.

I'm one of those people who learns things the hard way. You can tell me something till you're blue in teh face; I can watch someone go through whatever it is and logically identify the issue.... but can't apply it to my own life. The reason I bring this up is that I have been wondering if other people are more like me than I thought.....
I have been asked a lot about rest lately, so I thought I would address it. I've worked with some amazing coaches in my fitness life. Before them, I trained 6-7 times per week; cardioed myself to death; at Atkins style; did the Master Cleanse... blahblahblah. Anyone identify or think these are great ideas? Yeah you're an idiot. As was I.
I mean that in the nicest way possible. I say this ALL the time, and I think I got it from Scott Abel. MORE IS NOT BETTER (when it comes to working out). BETTER IS BETTER. To explain, more cardio is not better. Working out every single day is not better. Training efficiently and effectively is better. More leads to burnout. More plus less food leads to metabolic damage.
You have to eat to lose- another one I always say. I didn't make these up and I would certainly credit who said them if I could remember anything beyond an hour ago.
But seriously. Your weight loss stalled? Examine your diet. HONESTLY examine your diet (sorry for all the CAPS as I hate it when people type in caps since it's douchey, but I really want to emphasize some stuff here). Everyone adds more cardio- wrong. You so badly want to do more cardio then throw in a couple interval sessions. I said a couple. Not 3, not 4. That combined with weights and clean diet should be enough- I feel bad generalizing because it's so person specific, dependent on what one does in the gym etc. Bootcamp style classes can be overtraining on their own. Add on to that- CNS nightmare.

Now if you don't work and have nothing to do all day but exercise, by all means.... most of us have a thousand things to do and little time in which to do it. So train efficiently. Maximize the time you have. I haven't done cardio since... November? December? I can't remember, and I have maybe gained 3 lbs because my diet is clean and I train hard.
BTW that is an on purpose break because my body NEEDED the rest. When you are tired, not motivated etc listen to your body. Pushing past it will only contribute to burnout and injury. This drives me CRAZY. If a Dr tells you to rest, fucking do it. Yeah I walked before the 6 weeks was up after having both my kids, but I was in shape before I got pregnant with them. Again, person specific. If you are continually run down and getting sick- think about it. Maybe you need a rest. A week off isn't going to kill you. It isn't going to make you fat. That isn't a physical issue, it's a mental one because it's all in your head. Life is about balance. If you don't realize that, you will likely become one of those people who only talks about clean eating and posts constant statuses about how much you exercise and no one will want to be your friend (other than similar weirdos) and you will wake up one day realizing how obsessed you are and how little you are enjoying training anymore. Trust me.....