Happy Christmas?

So mid rant today, I realized that I am simply trying to survive right now. When did the holiday become about survival for me? I love all things Christmas- those who have been at my house can attest to the amount of decorations I have up.... but this year it seems like I am just trying to get through without murdering anyone.
My children are adorable this year. They are SO EXCITED. We watch Christmas movies and PVR'd shows all day; they count down with the advent calendar (plural becuse they have multiple calendars of course eye roll); everytime they see lights on a house they freak out. I am not excited. I AM excited for them to get their presents but meh otherwise.
What happens when we get old? It just becomes more stuff to do. More on my list, more lists even. Oh shit I forgot to get something for this person or Godddamn it I don't have the right size gift bag for that present. More shit.
SIGH. The family dramas seem more prevalent every year. I asked some of my clients this morning and they agreed that playing peacemaker was just one more thing women had to do. I find that job leaks so much of my joy and I am not sure how to eliminate it.

Maybe I have been watching too many holiday specials and I am waiting for that magical moment when I am overwhelmed with the holiday spirit. In years past I have always been emotional and introspective but this year I feel like everyone can go F themselves and I am sick of their shit. Lol very festive.

I will consciously try to be better from today on. No more holiday rants... no more bitching about Purolator being late because it is what it is. No one will die if they don't get a card from us until the 30th. Santa will still come, the kids will still get to spend time with family. People will continue to ignore my wish to tone down the monetary value of presents for my kids- but if that is my greatest complaint this year, I am very fortunate. The simple fact that I get to choose to purchase less for my kids makes me a very lucky person. Not everyone has that choice.

SO Merry Christmas all 2 people who will read this. May you be intentional in all things; enjoy the simple pleasures (like gravy and loved ones but not gravy on loved ones), and may you have a quiet moment in which to sit in peace.

Weak sauce

Today was the first weak-er in the gym day. I had to force myself to finish the workout and it was back which is usually my favorite. I will have to be more careful to plan smaller muscle groups on the second low carb day, and or cardio only. My first two llifts were good but I was tapped by the third. I decided a deload workout would be smarter anyways so I lowered the weights and upped the reps. I still got a great bicep pump in my last two curl exercises. All good.

Interesting. So far I haven't snapped at anyone, so that is good lol. I don't feel too bad either, just tired. But I am always tired mid afternoon so who knows what it is from.

carby carb carb carb

Hello friends. If there are any left....

I have decided to play around with Intermittent Fasting. Here is a link FYI- http://www.precisionnutrition.com/intermittent-fasting/summary

Before you freak, or alarm bells are raised, let me assure you that I will still consume a large amount of calories. The window in which to consume them will be smaller, and overall calorie consumption will be lower. No I am not starving myself.
If you read the link and still think it's dumb- then you are certainly entitled to your opinon. Now go stfu and keep it to yourself.

I like to play around with food to see what happens. I like trying keto, just hated how I felt on it. I am frankly bored as fuck after eating the same for years and years. My weight is steady and pretty difficult to move and I have zero desire to cut all carbs. This way I get low days, high days and see what happens. I am also really intruiged (sp?) by the fasted workouts and growth hormone released.

My feedback so far....
The first few days I struggled with dizziness while working out. I fasted from the night before until after workout (1030 am) which meant I ended eating at 8:30. While 16/ 8 hr fasted to eating ratio is recommended, it just wont work for me as most days I have to work out at 9. 
I didn't experience any of the crazy food cravings or starvation reported by Berardi. I wasn't particulary hungry other than around 8 am (2 hours after wakeup) which passed.

I have been surprised by my workouts and strength. So far, strength has not suffered at all. I have arranged my high carby days around bigger body parts (legs, back) and kept the weights on lower days shorter. I haven't experienced wicked mood swings either- but maybe we should ask my husband bc maybe I'm just always a bitch.
I did weigh myself for the first time in 2 years and the number was much higher than I thought at 152 on the gym scale. I do feel leaner in the middle after the first week, although it's just water weight. Who cares- I'll take it. It may also be that week in my monthly where I am the sexiest.

That's all I have for now as the children call. I will keep recording feedback in case anyone gives a shit ;)

Conflict of Interest

IT'll be a quick one today friends- as I scarf down my lunch and prep my plan for kickboxing tonight.

I've had an interesting week. Some new adventures coming my way; some spazzing about budgeting for Feb; some clashes. I will explain in generalities what happened (generalities so no one flies up my ass and accuses me of defamation or any other such bullshit. I am all full up of bullshit this week).

As a group instructor, I often miss the opportunity to attend classes myself. I really also LOVE the gym and my alone lifting time, so I rarely make time for these things. We have two places in town I wanted to take a class- for my own fitness. Reread that- FOR MY OWN FITNESS. At one, I was ambushed and accused of spying, among other things- like publically saying the trainers weren't qualified... which I didn't. Now that I know the "qualifications" of the trainers though I will say it. And it's my fucking blog and I am pissed so I will say it. Because of this horrendous experience, I emailed the second place letting them know up front who I was and what I did before I arranged child care for my appointment the following week. I was informed that I was not welcome as I might learn from them and take the cool stuff I had learned to my own classes.

Sigh.

I told both parties they were more than welcome in any of my classes. I am confident enough in my abilities that if someone loves what I do and wants to share it- go hard. We aren't reinventing the wheel here people. It's fitness. Some amazing world renowned trainers are known for their innovative program ideas (LBC and the no cardio; Abel MET training etc) but come the fuck on. It's not an industry where anything is a secret. Knowledge is power but it shouldn't be a commodity. The REAL trainers, the really great ones, give info away every day all day. Like one on fb and see how many tips you get in one day. They want to SHARE the information, not horde it.
 Maybe my amazing ex trainers should have refused to train me in case I take what I learn and apply certain exercises to my clients? Maybe I should refuse to train people because they might tell my 'secrets'?!?!?

It's such bullshit. We all do a variation of the same shit. We put it in different order- which is extremely important of course- but a lot of it comes down to individual personality and individual knowledge. As a yoga instructor, I welcome other instructors to my class. I welcome their feedback on my teaching and on my sequence. I attend other classes regularly and have never had a teacher kick me out because I might steal her seated sequence. Seriously. The things I learn from my students is also amazing. In yoga and in classes- better ways to structure classes; better ways to organize exercise; different modifications.... Isn't life about learning from each other? Perhaps I should go patent the burpee. Then no one else can use it without my express permission. Oh no wait I can't- because I didn't invent it. And neither did any other trainer/ gym owner in town invent what they're doing.

Rest assured, other trainers/ business owners/ circuit runners- I won't take your ideas. I have enough of my own. Oh and also, I can google it all.
I will kick my own ass in the gym- probably better than you would anyway.

Numbers

New year, new sucking at blogging. Lol. As always, I have a bunch of ideas floating around in my head but lack the time to type them out. I am going to try to fly through this one before my coaching meeting on Skype for my new course I am taking. Yes, another course. I know my husband said the same thing. But if I'm not learning, I'm not moving forward. And that my friends is when my brain starts to go to dangerous places.... like competing. Dieting. Overthinking and overanalyzing. Living in the past; living in the future- not appreciating the now.

So I spend crazy amounts of money on courses. Good thing for tax breaks.

Onward. My point today is Numbers. We are a society obsessed with numbers. Money, scale, how much of this, how much of that. I remember when I started working with the great Scott Abel- he said I was obsessed with numbers and quantifying everything. I didn't get it. So what- of course I record everything. Macros, weight on the scale, lbs in the gym, calories in.... how else could I possibly know I was on track with eating? How could I know I had a great workout? I NEED numbers!!!

I get it now.

I rarely weigh myself. I can tell by a pair of pants how much I am up or down. I listen to my body to know if my workout was kick ass- I did almost fall into the trap a couple weeks ago when I was looking at a shiny FitBit. OOOOOO the bracelet will tell me how great my workout was and EVEN if my sleep was good. I have no need to pay attention or be in tune with my physical self- this gadget will tell me!!!
We are also a society obsessed with gadgets and completely out of tune with our physical selves- never mind the deeper layers.
Don't get all defensive about your calorie counter gadget. Don't get upset with me if you wear your little bracelet all over. It's fine for you- remember I don't give a crap what you do, and I would never say anything unless you asked. For ME, it's bad. I get so wrapped up in all the numbers and all the lists I make that I forget to FEEL. Other than feeling crappy. I feel like crap if the numbers are too high or too low or not meeting my expectations. I take the tools and make them into something negative.

I have spent years trying to be in tune with myself. After years of not listening and letting other people tell me what it was saying, I am finally at a place where I can take a day off lifting if my body tells me to. I will make it up later, but sometimes I just need it off. Like today- I was supposed to do legs, but after a wicked back workout yesterday including huge (for me) deadlifts, it's just not in the cards for today. And that my friends is ok. I could drag myself to the gym, and do a lame ass workout and further tweak my low back... but instead I will do it another day. My body is telling me to slow the ef down. So I will. I will be active with my kids, I will do some cardio and I will do some yoga.
And not weigh myself ;)
Use the tools to keep yourself on track. Track your calories or your macros if you need to at first, but realize that it should not be a forever thing for you- unless you are a bodybuilder then get used to it. Weigh yourself once a week if you need to... be accountable. Do NOT be a slave to the numbers. They don't define you. They don't mean shit. I've never heard anyone say "Man she was a lean 130lbs" at a funeral. Or "My mom sure does stay within her 100 grams of carbs a day". NO. Use the tools if you need them.... but realize they are just tools to build the masterpiece that is you.
They don't mean shit.

Mandatory NYE blog post....

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't do a post about New Years and resolutions and changes? I am already a lazy one that never blogs with any regularity so I really should do what I can.

I posted the link to a fabulous blog on my fb page about changing resultions- reframing the usual weightloss blahblah ones to a healthier mindset. That blogger really stated all I was thinking in a more cohesive manner than I can type, but I thought I'd expand/ be redundant on my own post.

Everyone is so anti-resolutions these days. "I don't believe in resolutions" "they  never work anyways" etc. I LOVE resolutions. I love excitement and life changes and reflections. I love anything that makes people look at their lives honestly and think about how they can move forward. I make a point of doing this several times a year- September is really my "new year".
I do NOT love anything that encourages people to feel inadequate, self conscious, not good enough. Really though, like all of life, it depends on how you look at it and how you frame it.

I can say I want to lose weight. Honestly of course I would love to lose 10lbs. I would love to be a small 4, rather than a slightly big 4 edging into the 6 a couple weeks out of the month. I am aware of what I would need to do to get there, and am right now unwilling to do it. If I say "I need to lose weight" I am subtly saying to myself that I am too big... I am too fat, I am not enough. Reframe that shit. I really want to be stronger. I want to lift more and run further and be better. Not better than anyone else- better than 2013 me. And I do that by working my ass off. In all things.
I want to fuel my body with quality foods- to feel better and perform better. The greatest thing about all that is that leanness comes with lifting more and fuelling the body properly. I'll slip and that's ok. All I can do is the best I can.
Maybe some will quit smoking, quit drinking pop, quit swearing (SO not one of mine obviously), quit eating fast food, quit raging, quit a job they hate, quit taking life for granted, start the gym/yoga/ cardio/ eating better/ drinking more water/ taking care of themselves..... Maybe they won't. I think anything that makes people start thinking about making positive changes is a beautiful thing.

Lets be realistic though friends. I tell clients to set smaller goals. You want to start eating better, don't buy only quinoa and grassfed beef and protein powder. Guaranteed it will crash- rare are those who can do 180 degree turn. Be gentle with yourself. Make small changes- drink more water and get rid of calorie laden beverages. Substitute whole grain/ real food for packaged stuff more often. Eat more veggies. Just consciously eating more fruits and veg will make an enormous difference. Register for a class- one class, not 6. Schedule the rest of your life around it. Don't let fear stop you. Everyone at the gym who is really there to work out won't give one shit what you are doing. And if they do, they're douchebags anyways and who gives a shit what they think.
That is the best resolution IMO- stop caring what other people think. LIVE.

My resolutions are really just reminding myself of the goals I have throughout the year. Looking back on my actions and behavior and how I can be authentic to myself. How I can live with intention, rather than impulsively and emotionally. How I can learn about and pursue my passions, while sharing them with others. How I can be present in the moment (this I SUCK at. I am addicted to the vampire that is my cell phone).... Large goals and ones I will likely be working at for the majority of my life. I will slip, I will have moments of sucking, but all I can do is take reminders like New Years and refocus.
And reread the 4 Agreements. I resolve to do that ;)
Happy New Years Eve friends. Take care out there.

Cookies....

4 dozen cookies and 2 dozen mini cheesecakes done for today. My back hurts.
I have to rebake some stuff bc my husband has been indulging. I don't REALLY mind sinc eI love the baking part, but I am WAY over my food budget this month and it's starting to stress me out. Plus my pain level has been awful lately, and all the standing in the kitchen is killing me.  Awful. I am trying to manage it but it's clearly not working.

I was thinking about Christmas cards today. Old school dying tradition. I LOVE cards. I get giddy everytime I pull an envelope out of the mail box. I get annoyed that people don't send them and I insist on sending out 40+. I get family pics every year mostly to make up a pic collage card. Maybe my friends don't all want pics of my family and they can get fuck themselves- but I want pics of ALL my friends. I want a damn family pic. I want to put them up and smile as I pass the pics of the people I care about. The sad thing is, I know a bunch of people who refuse... not because they hate cards or don't want family pics but simply because they hate how they look.
This makes me sad.
Really sad.

I expect to look back on all these pics when I am old and think "WTF was I thinking having my hair like that?" "Or you were such a hussy back then" or to my husband "Man remember when you had hair?!!??" but I certainly I hope I don't look back thinking what a fat ass I was... even though at the time I may not have been totally happy with where I was physically.
I've been thinking a lot about judgements and negative self talk lately. I have been going over and over in my mind how destructive and horrible it is.... and how myself can get out of it, never mind encourage clients to do so. I have also been thinking a lot about intentions. Being intentional. Living with intention. Bringing MORE to my training and being conscious about it. Ignoring my immediate visceral reactions to emotional events (and they can be extremely strong), stepping back and making an intentional response. Perhaps I have to (and encourage others) to be intentional in self talk as well. Yeah it feels ridiculous. It SOUNDS ridiculous for me to say it out loud to people. but how else can we change it? How can we change that horrible awful voice in our head? That voice that if it came from anyone else, you would either punch them in the throat or never speak to them again? (if that isn't your reaction then you have bigger issues than negative self talk tight now)....
Lets be intentional people. It's the time of love and brotherhood and peace. Let's carry that over to ourselves. Love and peace friends. Merry Christmas.