Attitude

You may have seen the post title and thought I was going to post about positive attitude and how attitude is everything. No. This will be about my preschool child's shitty ass attitude and how it's ruining my life.
I pictured staying at home with my children as this wonderful experience. We would learn letters and numbers and they would explore their environment while I drank coffee and basked in the glow of their minds expanding. We would do playdoh and crafts and walk and smile and our bond would be amazing because I had given up my career to ensure their young years were spent with their mother.

Fuck was I wrong. More wrong than when I dated that total idiot in high school- and that was pretty fucked up. Yes we learn letters and do puzzles and I certainly drink coffee. A lot of coffee. Maybe our bond is amazing- maybe that will show up when they're in their late teens and deciding to snort meth or lose their virginity in the back of their dads car (I think I saw them snorting meth on breaking bad right? Or do you smoke it? Have I mentioned what being a parent has done to my attention span?). Anyways. Once can hope right? Because right now the bond seems to be my 3.75 year old screaming no when I ask him to put a toy away, and kicking me when I ask him to wipe his nose. My immediate response is that I want to punch him. Before you call child services, I don't actually punch him. But sometimes I want to- and that sure as hell wasn't in my dream of being the most wonderful mother ever.
If you are judging me right now, either we aren't supposed to be friends or you have 0-1 children. And thats ok. The chick in my kickboxing class who stared at me in horror as I mentioned to my friend that I was struggling to not backhand my child that morning can judge all she wants. I knew we wouldn't be friends way before that. I am sure she is praying for me right now..... And I am sure God if he does exists has far more important things to worry about.
My point, and I only sort of have one, is that I am struggling at this "season" in my child's life. Everyone says this too shall pass..... But shit some of these experiences sure take a freaking long time  
I have realized that my need for impulse control of reflected in my kid- how can I possibly teach him that it's not ok to hit if I hit him back? And again, I do not hit him back. I am explaining why I don't believe spanking works. Although I have spanked him, and it hasn't worked. His impulse is to hit, as is mine- I'm just older and have learned the lesson that its not ok while he has yet to learn that and it's my job to teach him. Maybe when he does learn it,he will thank me for all the years of struggle and frustration..... HAHAHAHA. As if.

Jack of all Trades..... Master of None

I have been thinking about this blog topic for a while. That doesn't mean it will be cohesive or well thought out, so don't expect too much. That means it applies in so many areas that didn't occur to me.

I had a friend and person I respect immensely in the industry say to me years ago that a certain girl we knew with 3 jobs was a Jack of all Trades, Master of None. I have thought of that exchange a few times over the years as I switch focus and switch careers. I know trainers who collect certs like baseball cards (mostly because they are so freaking easy to get) and yet are sorely lacking in most, if not all, areas of 'expertise'. I decided long ago that would not be me. I would not fake interest in something to make money, to get more classes or get more clients.

A few weeks ago in our counselling session, my husband mentioned that I was doing too much and he wanted me to cut out some clients and focus more on our family. (yes we go to counselling to work on our family and marriage and I have no issues publically discussing it. I LOVE counselling. Without it, we would be long ago divorced and hating each other). Anyways, my immediate response was Fuck YOU I CAN do it all!!! I have learned through counselling that in general my immediate responses suck. Fortunately, I usually don't verbalize those lol. I thought about it for days. He was right. WTF. He is never right...... shit. What else was he right about? I reflected back on the Jack of All Trades thing. Is that what I was doing? Trying to be mother, wife, trainer, group instructor, yogi, child care provider, friend, daughter etc..... Holy shit. In trying to do everything, I was doing nothing well.
To admit that still hurts my pride a little. I have always been a do-it all kinda person. I make shit from scratch. My kids didn't eat store bought bread at home until last year. I work a LOT. I have all these standards that need to be met. If someone needs me, I am there in one millisecond. But my family was falling apart. I spent the whole day with my kids, but I was never really WITH my kids. Sigh. Fuck. I suck at life.

I've started to say no. I am not good at it. I cut back my pt clients (but really, no one wants to train in the summer anyways lol). I am cutting back my full time job and as he says "just working on being a happy person, mom and wife". I thought about running a half marathon. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO RUN THAT MUCH???? I hate running. No, I hate running forever. I like running for a few kms... then I can picture my muscle burning off, and I have too little to lose these days. Why do I have to do a marathon? I do NOT have to do everything. The things I do, I want to do kickass. Not halfway. Doing less does not make me less. Doing less makes me more- more me. More happy. More able to do the things that are important to me..... and in the end isn't that what I will look back on and be greatful for?
As always, it's about balance.

Dichotomy

A friend's post on fb started me thinking about my own thinking today. She posted about gorging and having huge crazy cheat meals and how it's not necessary. I can remember my coach having to time my cheats because I could (or would) eat so much. I would eat till I got sick. My best friend and I would start in Starbucks with full fat frappucinos and cookies, then move over to Red Robin where we would share 3 meals and desserts. Yes. That happened more than once, and I would usually eat candy or bread on the way home. And be SO sick and looking 6 months pregnant. Now at that point in my life, the cheats were a tool in my overall plan. It wasn't just a mental break. Still, that sheer volume should illustrate to you how black and white I am. There is no grey.

I can diet like crazy. I can eat like crazy. I struggle with the balance of the two. Not just with food either. I am attempting lately, in my quest for personal growth this year, to try.... but it's fucking hard. Right or wrong; in or out.... there is no in between. That generally leaves me crazy and disappointed though.

All this thinking reminded me of how crazy I can get, and how I really have to check myself. I can finally have ice cream in the house without eating it all. My son picked me a treat when he was at the gas station last night, and my immediate reaction is to freak and say why did you let him buy that? You know I can't have Skor bars laying around!?!? My second reaction (after choking back the first one) is much more sane. I said thanks, had a bite and put it away. Don't think I haven't thought about that bitch just sitting there all crunchy and buttery and glorious in my cupboard though.

Oh and my foot fucking hurts. I hurt it somehow before Spartan, and it really hurt after. I ran last night and could feel it swelling in my shoe.... When the hell am I supposed to get to a dr? ARG!!

Injuries. WTF

I am feeling pretty funky today. Not good- Funkhouse funky, but In-A-Funk funky. The fact that it's grey and rainy and shitty out all day doesn't help, nor does the fact that I was awoken by a sharp pain in my right lung all night long either. Oh and the weird dreams last night- I had an epic dream that I was hanging out with my ex and his new wife and she was pregnant and we were at the mall shopping for maternity clothes for her. WTF? Someone analyze that shit for me please.

So back to the title. Injuries. I am fucking pissed at my crappy body. I have felt creakier than usual the last couple months. I ignored it and went on. I am avoiding my rheumatologist so I figure if I ignore stuff, it'll just magically go away and I won't need meds. Good plan hey? I love avoidance.
I hurt something in my wrist a few weeks ago. I will blame push ups since I hate them. Could've been chattarunga though also.... or who knows. I routinely slip a rib on my right side. Usually it's from snatching too heavy but this time it's a mystery. And fucking annoying since I have a Spartan race this weekend and can't really breathe deeply without pain. Super awesome.
Oh and can't forget the back- old work related injury that has been fucking awful for the last 2 months.
WHAT THE FUCK. I foam roll. I get massages. I am careful with form. I take rest days. I supplement glucosamine when I remember. I eat clean. I don't carry a ton of extra weight. I am so super annoyed by this I can't even explain it.
I am starting to think I might actually have to go talk to Dr Max out on Drugs at 35. Who tells me that it's only going to get worse. Thanks bro. Don't quit your day job to become a motivational speaker, mmmkay?

Ok I am done the pity party. Seriously, my whining has annoyed myself.

We are buying my oldest an upright bike tonight. If he stops being a whiny, spazzy asshole anyways. I wonder where he gets the whining from? ;)

Here is a laugh for today:

I was runnnning!

This morning was one of those runs where I wanted to air pump like Judd Neilson in The Breakfast Club. It was nice and cool; no rain no wind; I felt like a rockstar. WHY can't every run be like that?!??! Ugh. Or right, because I am a girl.
Today is, hormonally speakin,g like the calm before the storm. That creepy calmness where all is good- too good. It seems extra great because the wind has blown shit all over the place (wind being my hormones- if you don't get that analogy I am not sure what to tell you other than please do not operate heavy machinery). You know from the calmness that shit is going to hit the fan soon- and it'll be wayyyy worse than before. Damn uterus.

Anyways I had a good run. Physically and mentally. I made a conscious effort to NOT beat myself up the whole way, so that was nice. That bitch in my head has been really pissing me off lately- so I told her to STFU. She never does for long but she did this morning so I will take it.

This is my thought for the day. I don't generally care what other people are doing. There will always be someone (or lol everyone) faster than me, stronger than me, with a flatter belly or bigger hamstrings- by the way damn that Figure girl and her hamstrings yesterday at ON wearing leggings- but if I can't beat myself and continually challenge and work towards bettering myself, WTF is the point of being here? That's not just about fitness. I posted a status about change a while ago and in it I said "the only thing scarier than change is staying exactly the same". I will quote myself because goddamn I was right.

Motivation

Funny that I'm typing out a post on motivation when I am so tired and have so little of it. Plus it's all grey and freezing outside, which never helps. 

People always ask me how I am so motivated. Somedays this makes me laugh more than others. Today I did get up at 530 and run/ do my burpees. Yesterday I couldn't. That for me doesn't mean I skip a workout. That means I might have to do it later at night than I want, make it up later in the week- whatever it takes to make it work. 

When I first started working out seriously, I admit that I needed external motivation. And fortunately for me (or not depending on your perspective) I had it in the form of a controlling bodybuilder boyfriend. He showed me how to lift and when I didn't feel like going or made excuses about how busy I was etc, I went anyways- mainly so he wouldn't be upset. Yeah that is an entirely different post called "Codependency" or something similar... And I don't feel like digging up that grave today. 

By the time we split years later, I had found that I LOVED lifting. When I didn't do it, I felt like total shit. Crazy shit. 

Don't get me wrong here.... I don't jump out of bed at 530 singing with the bluebirds about how I love cardio so. Some days I say fuck it- but I make it up. Or I adjust my diet. Or I take one less cheat. Or I do an upper body workout twice that week. I know what I have to do to be and stay where I want to be, and I also know that I get crazier and lazier the less I exercise. I have also learned that motivation comes from within. Trainers are great, as are workout buddies and anyone who helps you stay on track. Ultimately though, it's you who has to do the work and you who has to take your ass to the gym/ track/ class. With me though, there is a fine line between motivation and beating myself up. "Come on lady you can do this!" Can very easily turn into "get your fat ass on that treadmill. You ate _______yesterday and you need to burn it off!"  

Like everything else.... It's all about balance. 

Two beautiful days in a row? WTF Alberta!

Gorgeous morning for a run. I don't often get a chance to run without my kids, so I am usually enthused when I do. Today, not enthused. I will blame it on an extra glass of wine last night combined with running yesterday also. I never run two days in a row- my old arthritic knees can't deal with it.
I ran anyways, but shorter than I had originally planned. I ran the hill three times instead. I am sure by tonight my bum will be more bah-dunk ish and an inch higher.

Also, I nailed Crane pose last night. I rule inversions after some wine. It should be a class. Drinks then yoga. Why has no one thought of this???


I found this in the notes on my phone. I wrote it early March, and although pretty personal I thought I would share it since I haven't had enough coffee to have any other original ideas yet-

So far as a single mom, I've learned the simple act of making dinner can reduce me to tears. A dinner I have no desire to eat but feel I should make to keep things normal.... When they are anything but.
I've learned that daytimes are hard- kids having extra tantrums and being extra clingy- but after bedtime is harder. The hours between the kids going to sleep and mine are lonely and sad.
I've learned that Ativan is good. Yoga is better. Crying in savasana is almost expected.
I've learned that a glass of wine every night isn't good for maintaining muscle mass. Greys anatomy should be avoided completely, as should any RomComs.
I thought mommy guilt was bad before, but now it's doubled. Every night I go to work and don't put them to bed, I feel like I'm failing them in their time of need. Yesterday was the first time I didn't cry when they went on a visit with their dad.
I've learned that Easter egg hunts are sad. Hiding them alone is depressing, and finding them alone with the kids isn't as exciting but i let them eat twice as much candy out of guilt. I've learned that getting ready in the morning takes twice as long and twice as much frustration- but let's be honest he never really helped there anyway. I really have one less person to wake up, and one less person to snap at me because they don't want to be up that early.

I hate transformers and Lego and shovelling and taking the garbage out I play more hockey than I ever have but still bake and read books and clean the whole house.