3 in one week WTF!!

It is rare I get one blog up consistently per week never mind 3. Goddamn I have a lot to say lately!!

This morning I got a text from someone I greatly admire, professionally and personally. This lady has it all- she is kind, beautiful, works her ass off and is generally interested in learning all she can to better herself (which to me is one of the greatest qualities one can posses). I am fortunate to call her a friend- I hope lol. She has opened up to me more in the last few months and shocker- she's not perfect. But insightful and amazing and I love her even more for her little nuances/ flaws.

Jesus Christ it sounds like I want to switch teams for her. Maybe... jk. Really it's not a lady crush- she's too clean cut for that and I only get lady crushes on dirtier girls. Angelina not Jennifer.

I digress. As usual.
So this text this morning was about how much ass she kicked at the race this past weekend. I sucked big hairy donkey balls, but that is a whole nother blog post. She rocked it. I wasn't surprised, but she was. THAT surprised me.
She said that she often puts others up on a pedestal and doesn't realize what she herself is capable of. I have seen this chick workout. You could tell me she climbed up a building like Spiderman and I probably wouldn't question it. It just brought me back to my last rambly post about compliments and how we just don't take them. We just don't see how fucking awesome we are.

Then I thought if SHE doesn't get how amazing she is- and I think the world of her- WTF chance do I have of changing my own thinking? BLARG and the cycle starts again.....

Lol. My point is that you are amazing. That is all.

At a loss....

Sometimes, believe it or not, I don't know what to say.

One of my many personal growth goals this year has been to slow down the babble that spews forth from my mouth. I have a big mouth. I am loud and sometimes a complete asshole. I am less sarcastic than I was when I was young, but my automatic reactions are sarcasm and general dickhead remarks. My husband shares this trait.
Because of this, I am sometimes at a loss of what to say. I bite back the immediate response and then wtf? I worry that I have become kind of a shitty friend because of it....

I ended last post with a sentence about the place where change happens. I am not a fucking expert in anything- not even my own life- but I DO know something about change. I can't divulge too many details, as we have agreed on a "tighter locker room" to make our marriage work and I have a big fucking mouth, but I can use my marriage as an example. It sucked. sucked big donkey balls. For a variety of reasons, a lot of stress and a lot of bad bad communication and pouty bitch behaviour. It was no ones fault that it almost ended. I say almost but really, it ended. Far before he left.
We have both changed so fucking much it's almost unbelieveable. And it was work. A shitload of work. Some days I woke up thinking "Fuck this. This is too hard. It's so much easier to start over". Maybe it would've been. Maybe I would've taken my shit to the new relationship and fucked that up too. Who knows. Us working on our relationship wasn't a popular decision with the people in our lives- but fuck it. What is that saying that no matter what you do someone will judge you, so do what you want anyways? Yeah- that.
My point- and I do have one- is change is fucking hard. I do believe it's possible now, and I never did before. But to accomplish it, you NEED to move out of your comfort zone. You can take this to mean fitness, or work, or relationship or whatever you need to apply in your life- but either way you need to be uncomfortable. We are so busy trying to avoid DIScomfort that we become so lazy and so dissatisfied.... yet so unwilling and scared to make the change.

Do it. Stop wasting your life. It makes me sad.

Empowerment

I wrote this a few days ago and forgot to post! Dammit.

I'm feeling a more positive and less ranty post today.

One of my lovely friends sent me a picture of her super cute new yoga pants today. She was pretty excited to get them, and despite having surgery and being pumped full of IV fluids last week, fit into them. They are not forgiving pants- I have them in a variety of colors because I am a yoga pant whore. The text immediately after the pic was, as usual, explaining to me why she looked so shitty (which she didn't at all) and talking about losing more weight.
Sigh. I hate this.

I do it myself. I know it. Someone compliment something and my first instinct is to downplay it; "Oh no, this old thing?" or "If I only did more cardio/ kept my booze intake under control/ didn't have hips created for birthing this would look soooooo much better blahblahblah". The ladies in my classes do it all the time. I try to focus on strength compliments or how far they've come performance wise- after all shouldn't that be the focus? The physical appearance will come if you focus on gains in the gym and eating clean most of the time.
I did however, specifically tell a girl how fabulous she looked the other day. She beamed. Like sunshine and rainbows shooting out her ass she was so pumped that someone noticed. I've told her how strong she is before, and while it was well received... not like this.

Anyways, as usual I digress. My point today is about empowerment. Other than changing the focus of our society so we grow up NOT thinking we have to diminish our accomplishments (which I can't do because although awesome, I am only one person), how do we counteract this? I know scores of amazing women- big, small, moms, childless, career, home.... most of of them have in common the fact that they will react with an immediate diminishing comment when you compliment them. WTF.
Why do we as women tear each other down instead of building each other up? Why is it a seemingly natural reaction to say something nasty about the lady wearing a bikini when it's really my lack of self confidence to wear one too? Pointing her out doesn't make me look better, or make my karma better- it makes me look like an asshole.
So my conscious decision is to build them up. I slip sometimes of course. Yesterday at the Spartan race I felt conscious of wearing shorts (which is weird because my legs were covered in mud and no one gives one shit what I am wearing but me) but every damn time I wear shorts I feel like there is a spotlight on my ghost white legs. I made a comment about a lady running in just a sports bra. I am insecure so I make a comment about someone who clearly isn't? I felt like a huge DB.
So I wear shorts. ALL THE DAMN TIME. I don't know how else to overcome something. I tell my yoga students to push the limits of their comfort zone- outside of comfort is where we make change.

Miracle Treat Day?

I've ranted about this before in real life, so now it's time to type it out.
It's DQ Miracle Treat day. Like McDonald's happy day and Tim Hortons Camp Day, it is yet another day where a restaurant will donate part of the profits of a certain item sold. When the fuck is Apple Day? Save a Kid with a Salad Day?
It bugs me. Not because I hate charity and hate poor children who can't afford camp and it's not like my heart doesn't ache for sick children and their families. Because it's a fucked up marketing tool used by companies to sell more product using my emotions.

If you want a goddamn blizzard, then eat one. Don't justify it by thinking you are saving a sick child. If you want to actually help a sick child, donate the money directly to the cause (where my husband would say a large percentage of your donation would go to some asshole beaurocrat taking a huge salary but I digress). It's just another way to justify eating like shit. Hmmmm it's ok to intake a few hundred more calories.... OH THE HUMANITY!!!

Eat a Blizzard. Eat a Big Mac. Eat a donut- but as a conscious decision and a planned treat (ok, I take it back. Don't ever eat a Big Mac. Eat a delicious burger that actually has some nutritional value and meat in it). Don't justify food or straying off plan by thinking you are saving the world. Become a Big Brother or Big Sister and take that kid out to play soccer. That's making a difference. Take the money you'd spend on the treats for the family and send it directly to the Stollery- then go down to the local ice cream shop and get a cone for $1. Support local, feel good and get a treat. Win win.

- I realize this wasn't particularly well worded or spelled, but I have two babies pulling on my leg right now, so that's the best I got-
:)

Attitude

You may have seen the post title and thought I was going to post about positive attitude and how attitude is everything. No. This will be about my preschool child's shitty ass attitude and how it's ruining my life.
I pictured staying at home with my children as this wonderful experience. We would learn letters and numbers and they would explore their environment while I drank coffee and basked in the glow of their minds expanding. We would do playdoh and crafts and walk and smile and our bond would be amazing because I had given up my career to ensure their young years were spent with their mother.

Fuck was I wrong. More wrong than when I dated that total idiot in high school- and that was pretty fucked up. Yes we learn letters and do puzzles and I certainly drink coffee. A lot of coffee. Maybe our bond is amazing- maybe that will show up when they're in their late teens and deciding to snort meth or lose their virginity in the back of their dads car (I think I saw them snorting meth on breaking bad right? Or do you smoke it? Have I mentioned what being a parent has done to my attention span?). Anyways. Once can hope right? Because right now the bond seems to be my 3.75 year old screaming no when I ask him to put a toy away, and kicking me when I ask him to wipe his nose. My immediate response is that I want to punch him. Before you call child services, I don't actually punch him. But sometimes I want to- and that sure as hell wasn't in my dream of being the most wonderful mother ever.
If you are judging me right now, either we aren't supposed to be friends or you have 0-1 children. And thats ok. The chick in my kickboxing class who stared at me in horror as I mentioned to my friend that I was struggling to not backhand my child that morning can judge all she wants. I knew we wouldn't be friends way before that. I am sure she is praying for me right now..... And I am sure God if he does exists has far more important things to worry about.
My point, and I only sort of have one, is that I am struggling at this "season" in my child's life. Everyone says this too shall pass..... But shit some of these experiences sure take a freaking long time  
I have realized that my need for impulse control of reflected in my kid- how can I possibly teach him that it's not ok to hit if I hit him back? And again, I do not hit him back. I am explaining why I don't believe spanking works. Although I have spanked him, and it hasn't worked. His impulse is to hit, as is mine- I'm just older and have learned the lesson that its not ok while he has yet to learn that and it's my job to teach him. Maybe when he does learn it,he will thank me for all the years of struggle and frustration..... HAHAHAHA. As if.

Jack of all Trades..... Master of None

I have been thinking about this blog topic for a while. That doesn't mean it will be cohesive or well thought out, so don't expect too much. That means it applies in so many areas that didn't occur to me.

I had a friend and person I respect immensely in the industry say to me years ago that a certain girl we knew with 3 jobs was a Jack of all Trades, Master of None. I have thought of that exchange a few times over the years as I switch focus and switch careers. I know trainers who collect certs like baseball cards (mostly because they are so freaking easy to get) and yet are sorely lacking in most, if not all, areas of 'expertise'. I decided long ago that would not be me. I would not fake interest in something to make money, to get more classes or get more clients.

A few weeks ago in our counselling session, my husband mentioned that I was doing too much and he wanted me to cut out some clients and focus more on our family. (yes we go to counselling to work on our family and marriage and I have no issues publically discussing it. I LOVE counselling. Without it, we would be long ago divorced and hating each other). Anyways, my immediate response was Fuck YOU I CAN do it all!!! I have learned through counselling that in general my immediate responses suck. Fortunately, I usually don't verbalize those lol. I thought about it for days. He was right. WTF. He is never right...... shit. What else was he right about? I reflected back on the Jack of All Trades thing. Is that what I was doing? Trying to be mother, wife, trainer, group instructor, yogi, child care provider, friend, daughter etc..... Holy shit. In trying to do everything, I was doing nothing well.
To admit that still hurts my pride a little. I have always been a do-it all kinda person. I make shit from scratch. My kids didn't eat store bought bread at home until last year. I work a LOT. I have all these standards that need to be met. If someone needs me, I am there in one millisecond. But my family was falling apart. I spent the whole day with my kids, but I was never really WITH my kids. Sigh. Fuck. I suck at life.

I've started to say no. I am not good at it. I cut back my pt clients (but really, no one wants to train in the summer anyways lol). I am cutting back my full time job and as he says "just working on being a happy person, mom and wife". I thought about running a half marathon. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANT TO RUN THAT MUCH???? I hate running. No, I hate running forever. I like running for a few kms... then I can picture my muscle burning off, and I have too little to lose these days. Why do I have to do a marathon? I do NOT have to do everything. The things I do, I want to do kickass. Not halfway. Doing less does not make me less. Doing less makes me more- more me. More happy. More able to do the things that are important to me..... and in the end isn't that what I will look back on and be greatful for?
As always, it's about balance.

Dichotomy

A friend's post on fb started me thinking about my own thinking today. She posted about gorging and having huge crazy cheat meals and how it's not necessary. I can remember my coach having to time my cheats because I could (or would) eat so much. I would eat till I got sick. My best friend and I would start in Starbucks with full fat frappucinos and cookies, then move over to Red Robin where we would share 3 meals and desserts. Yes. That happened more than once, and I would usually eat candy or bread on the way home. And be SO sick and looking 6 months pregnant. Now at that point in my life, the cheats were a tool in my overall plan. It wasn't just a mental break. Still, that sheer volume should illustrate to you how black and white I am. There is no grey.

I can diet like crazy. I can eat like crazy. I struggle with the balance of the two. Not just with food either. I am attempting lately, in my quest for personal growth this year, to try.... but it's fucking hard. Right or wrong; in or out.... there is no in between. That generally leaves me crazy and disappointed though.

All this thinking reminded me of how crazy I can get, and how I really have to check myself. I can finally have ice cream in the house without eating it all. My son picked me a treat when he was at the gas station last night, and my immediate reaction is to freak and say why did you let him buy that? You know I can't have Skor bars laying around!?!? My second reaction (after choking back the first one) is much more sane. I said thanks, had a bite and put it away. Don't think I haven't thought about that bitch just sitting there all crunchy and buttery and glorious in my cupboard though.

Oh and my foot fucking hurts. I hurt it somehow before Spartan, and it really hurt after. I ran last night and could feel it swelling in my shoe.... When the hell am I supposed to get to a dr? ARG!!